Raise your hand if you’ve been there: You’re having a little solo sex, and then your favorite vibrator dies… right before you’re about to reach that big O. Bummer, right? Well, not necessarily. While you might think it sounds counterintuitive to intentionally push off an orgasm, the truth is, edging—or getting close to climax, before slowing down or stopping—can lead to some truly incredible sensations.
“It’s this sweet pain-pleasure, because you’re desperately wanting this release [of orgasm] but you’re not going over—you just stay on the edge,” says Donna Oriowo, CST, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of Annodright. The logic is simple: Eventually, when you do have an orgasm, it’ll be all the more intense. Oh, and btw, there are tons of other benefits to trying this sexy technique, too.
Meet the experts: Donna Oriowo, CST, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of Annodright. Kate Balestrieri, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy. Vanessa Marin, LMFT, is a sex therapist and author of Sex Talks.
What is edging?
Edging is the practice of bringing yourself or a partner right to the brink to orgasm, but then stopping or slowing just before you/they reach it, explains Kate Balestrieri, PhD, a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy.
Usually, in either masturbation or partnered sex, this process repeats several times, elongating the entire experience—and, eventually, leading to an ultra-intense climax. “You can edge two or three times, or you can practice it over long periods of time if you have a longer play session,” she explains. “You can also break it up over different days, if that’s what is exciting to you.”
Edging can look like a lot of different things in practice—but the key is stopping an orgasm before it actually happens. If you go “too far” and then stop, that’s called a ruined orgasm, Balestrieri explains. While that can also be fun (especially for folks who are into BDSM and certain types of power play), it’s not quite the same thing as edging. The goal of a ruined orgasm is generally to dull the sensation of an orgasm, whereas the goal of edging is to eventually lead to a super-powerful one.
What are the benefits of edging?
Whether you’re edging solo or with a partner, there are tons of ways this technique can enhance your sex life—here are just a few:
Your orgasms will be stronger.
Yes, you read that right! Prolonging an orgasm can make it even more intense when it finally happens, says Balestrieri. Many people say that their orgasms after edging feel “more full-body, more all-encompassing,” adds Oriowo.
It can build up erotic tension with a partner.
By taking orgasms off the table (for the time being), edging can help you focus on pleasure, rather than a climax. This can be a great way to take the pressure off yourself (or a partner) if you find yourself getting in your head about having orgasms, says Oriowo. Plus, it can help you enjoy the sensual experience of sex even more. “The delayed orgasm helps to build anticipatory pleasure and erotic tension, [which can] add a lot of spice and variety to your sex play,” says Balestrieri.
You get to know your body on a whole new level.
“A lot of people feel like their orgasms come out of nowhere, but that’s not actually true,” says Oriowo. Have you ever paid attention to the way your body feels and reacts when you’re on the edge? Maybe you start breathing a little more heavily, or maybe your legs start to shake. Edging offers an opportunity to get to know your own signs that an orgasm is imminent, she explains. And, FYI, this is information you can pass along to your current and future partner(s), so they also have a better idea of what’s working for you.
It can help with premature ejaculation.
Edging can “help create containment for orgasm control for folks who experience early ejaculation,” says Balestrieri. In some cases, people who struggle with this have a difficult time picking up on their body’s “signs” that they’re about to ejaculate; but by practicing edging, “they’re learning their body and their body’s cues for ejaculation,” explains Oriowo. This can help them last longer during a specific sexual situation, sure, but developing this awareness can also help them last longer in the future, too.
It’s just… hot.
It might sound obvious, but trying new things in the bedroom can add an element of excitement to your sex life, says Vanessa Marin, LMFT, a sex therapist and author of Sex Talks. And because of its emphasis on the journey (rather than the destination), edging “can create a lot of opportunity for closeness and intimacy and connection with partners,” adds Balestrieri.
Are there any risks to edging?
The short answer: no. But for people with penises, it can lead to “the sensation commonly known as ‘blue balls,’” according to Balestrieri: “When blood builds up in the testes due to being aroused for a period of time without any release, it can be frustrating for some people.” But this isn’t a harmful or dangerous condition, and it typically goes away on its own, she explains.
How can I try edging?
There are tons of ways to incorporate edging into your sex life. With a partner, edging can be mutual or one-sided; sometimes, it can also be a part of power play, with a dominant partner denying an orgasm to the submissive, says Balestrieri. On your own, edging can be a great way to get to know your body better or make a masturbation session last even longer.
Ahead, sex therapists unpack everything to know about edging yourself or a partner (and explain why it’s not a big deal if you accidentally climax).
1. Start with your hands.
If you’re completely new to edging, Marin recommends trying it on your own first—and using your hands, rather than a vibrator. “What you want to do is get yourself as close as you can to orgasm and then stop there, and then start over again,” she says. This requires you to really know when you're close, but not there yet, and “sometimes, a vibrator can just get you from zero to 100 really quickly,” making it hard to tell when you're on the edge.
2. Get close… and then stop.
One of the hardest parts of edging is figuring out when to stop. “You really want to get your body to a place where it’s almost there, and the tease is really loud. Then, you’re going to slow down or stop,” says Balestrieri. For example, it might be time to stop once you’re moving past a “plateau,” and the sensations start to feel heightened, she explains.
So, how do you know exactly when to switch it up? The trick is developing an awareness of how your body typically reacts when you’re approaching orgasm, says Oriowo. “You might notice that your body has a prolonged contraction, or your skin is hyper-sensitive. Maybe your legs shake or your toes curl,” she explains. Btw, it might take you a few tries to figure this out—and that's okay!
3. Or, switch things up.
Once you’ve gotten to “the edge,” so to speak, you don’t have to stop completely. You can also change the way you’re touching yourself or just slow down, says Balestrieri. Maybe you decide to switch up your rhythm or switch fingers. If you’re using a vibrator, maybe you change its pattern, or even change toys altogether, she adds.
You can also switch your focus to other erogenous zones, says Oriowo. For instance, maybe you were using a suction vibrator on your clit, and you move it to your nipples once you’re on the precipice of orgasm, she suggests.
4. With a partner, communication is key.
Because there are so many different ways (and reasons!) to try edging, it’s a good idea to discuss your own preferences beforehand. “I’m a huge proponent of having conversations about trying new things, just in case your partner has some apprehension around it,” says Balestrieri.
Communication is important afterwards, too—especially if this was your first time practicing edging with someone, or if you incorporated any kind of power play, Balestrieri says. “Edging can bring up a lot of intense feelings, so give yourselves time to recalibrate after you’ve had an experience like this.”
5. Make sure to communicate when your partner should stop.
If you’re getting edged by a partner who knows your body extremely well, they might be able to pick up on cues that you’re getting close. But if you’re struggling to get the timing right, there’s nothing wrong with verbally or physically communicating that you’re close to orgasm and your partner should switch things up.
If you take this route, though, try to give them a head’s up slightly before you usually stop when edging solo, says Marin. This is because “there is, of course, a delay between when you are able to communicate when you’re ready to stop, and when your partner does stop.”
6. Elongate the process.
Now, onto the really fun part: getting kinky. “People can get super creative if they’re going to combine edging with power play,” says Balestrieri.
There are countless ways to do this. Maybe you practice edging over the course of several days, with a dominant partner repeatedly bringing their submissive closer to the brink. “This might also involve some chastity play,” says Balestrieri; chastity play products, like cock cages, help prevent people with penises from climaxing for extended periods of time.
7. Use toys designed for couples.
LOVENSE Ferri Wearable Magnetic Panty Vibrator
LOVENSE Ferri Wearable Magnetic Panty Vibrator
If you’re in a long-distance ’ship, you and your partner can still edge each other. Balestrieri recommends using toys like the Lovense Ferri, which can be controlled via a partner’s phone.
“This allows for long-distance control of that device, from anywhere in the world,” she says. If you use this while having FaceTime sex, for instance, your partner can stop (or slow) your toy’s vibrations once you’re getting close. “You can also sync up your toy with a partner’s toy so that you can have synchronous stimulation.”
8. Practice!
“Sometimes, the edging turns into an orgasm faster than you may want—and that’s okay,” stresses Balestrieri. “Edging is definitely a practice, and if it’s not lasting as long as you want it to, it’s okay to slow down and try something different.”
Another important note: The key to edging is really all about becoming more aware of your body. So, if you do have a surprise orgasm, consider it a learning opportunity—try to take note of what happened to your breathing and body, suggests Oriowo.
And finally, be patient with yourself if some unexpected feelings crop up. “This kind of play can feel really intense and really pleasurable. Sometimes, it can even feel a bit frustrating, because it’s so exciting… and then you’re waiting,” says Balestrieri. “So just give yourself a lot of grace as you anticipate many different kinds of emotional and physiological sensations and reactions.”
Lydia Wang is the love & life editor at Women’s Health, where she writes and edits articles about sex, relationships, identity, and pop culture. She lives in New York and spends way too much of her free time reading romance novels in coffee shops and tweeting about her favorite dating shows.
