He’s 50 And Never Been Married… What’s A Girl To Do?
Dear Lisa,
I met a 57-year-old man who seems really nice. The only problem I see is he’s never been married. My friends tell me I’m wasting my time with someone like this. There has to be something wrong with him. What do you think? Thanks, Dori
Dori,
There are plenty of men and women over 50 who have gotten married a bit later in life.
The key is determining whether a man who has never been married can fit into your life.
As you get to know each other, you’ll want to explore how he feels about getting to know your adult children and possibly grandchildren if they are in the picture.
I’ve spoken to many men who haven’t been married but have been in long committed relationships with women over the years.
This is a preferable situation versus someone who hasn’t.
My philosophy is…if a man’s nice and seems honest, give him a chance and date him.
You don’t have to marry him, but you can have an interesting man in your life to share activities with.
Dear Lisa,
My 24-year marriage ended about a year ago. I’m getting ready to get out and date for the first time in a long time. My problem is I’m about 30 pounds overweight so I am very anxious about dating. I ate my way through my divorce so my hips are kind of large yet my upper body is quite petite. Will men like me this way? My friend says I should post a picture that shows me only to my waist since it will be the most flattering. What do you think? I could use your help. Melanie
Melanie,
It’s important to post a picture of your whole body.
There will be men who like the way you look and there will be men who prefer a different type of woman.
Some men will reject even women who we think of as being perfect.
We do the same thing with men.
Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder and you can’t change this.
I have spoken with men who have walked out of restaurants when they spotted a woman who has deceived them about how they look.
So do be honest in portraying who you are by showing the whole you in your picture.
After all…you want a man who likes you just the way you are.
Dear Lisa,
When I go on a first date, I always split the check with a man. Men seem to get upset with me for doing this and I rarely get a second date. Why? I don’t understand. Doing it this way, I’m not obligated to a man in any way. What do you think? Marilyn
Marilyn,
When it comes to over 50’s men, most want to pick up the check at least for the first couple of dates.
It’s nice that you offer but if a man says he’ll take care of it, let him.
You are actually offending his masculinity and sense of pride when you don’t.
I know this sounds crazy but it has to do with his DNA. Men are wired to want to provide for you.
As time goes on, it’s fine if you offer to pick up a check. You can also make him dinner or buy popcorn at the movies.
If the relationship continues, you’ll want to work together to figure out how money works best for both of you.
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Until next time~
Believing in You!
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@Dori,
There are many reasons a man remains single at 50+. I should know, because I’m one of them and have met many, many others.
Here the types of 50+ single men that I’ve seen:
The man in the closet: Not always obviously or stereotypically “feminine-acting.” Enjoys female companionship without intimacy. Interestingly enough, I know a couple of guys like this who actually got married to women (who know their husbands are gay).
The good baby daddy: didn’t marry the mother of his child, but otherwise fulfills his role responsibly as a father, including financial and emotional support and full or partial custody of the child
The bad baby daddy: Enough said here.
The weirdo, recluse, misogynist or addict: enough said here
The workaholic: will not take enough take time away from his career to build anything long term or serially wears out the patience of his partners (full disclosure: this is sort of me)
The fantasist: Still holding out for a (usually young) woman with celebrity looks, or a woman who has a sort of “mysticism” or “magic” or a woman who has 1950s or even 18th-century values. These guys are the bread and butter of the international dating sites.
The slacker: enough said
The 50/60-something fratboy: Retains the same short attention span, need for distraction or entertainment as he did in his 20s.
The almost-got-married guy: Was in a series of long-term relationships (sometimes 10+ years), but none led to marriage for any number of reasons
The narcissist/player: sometimes highly intelligent and successful but either doesn’t want or can’t deal with emotional intimacy or commitment.
The ideologue/passion-follower: Can’t get serious with a woman because he is too busy saving the country/world or exploring caves in Tibet
Looking at the above, you might think, “Divorced men are better.” I would tend to agree somewhat and, hypocrite that I am, I tend to think divorced/widowed women are better than never-married women. People who have been married have shown themselves able to commit to the institution and at least make their best efforts to make that institution work.
Yet, the line is not always so clear. For example, the worst, most bitter misogynists I’ve met are divorced men. I’ve seen other divorced men want to instantly revert to fratboy life, trying to pick up at 60 what they left behind at 21. I’ve also known a lot of divorced men who swore they “never” wanted to get serious, much less married again, and were “sick” of all the responsibilities of being a husband and father.
Of course, I’ve met many other divorced men (a big majority), who, after a couple of years on their own, were more than ready to get serious/married again.
Honestly speaking, a divorced or widowed man who’s been on his own for one or two years, and realizes that college is over, is probably a better bet, statistically, than a never-married man. If Peter’s been divorced for three years and Paul’s never been married, then all other things being equal, Peter’s the better pick.
Yet, I still agree with Lisa’s idea of “giving a never-married man a chance,” because you just never know. He may have evolved enough and matured enough so that now he’s ready to marry. He may not have been married, but been involved in an intensive caretaker role for an elderly parent (as I was), or for a troubled niece or nephew. He may be involved in an organization that requires a strict code of ethics, such as a volunteer group, the military or a religious organization.
I think that what you are looking for in a never-married man are signs that he is stable, mature, values family, honesty and integrity, and has a lot of (same-sex) friends (preferably his friends are all or mostly married), and been in at least a few long-term relationships and, ideally played some sort of volunteer and/or caretaker role.
He needs to have developed a sense of empathy, resilience, duty and kindness, not just the ability to make fat bank, travel, theorize and/or have fun.
In a real sense, these are the same values you would look for in a divorced or widowed man. Red flags in a never-married man might be:
Caustic, cruel or cynical sense of humor
Lack of same-sex friends (“all my friends are women. I relate to them better”)
Doesn’t like traditional male activities (sports, cars, beer, etc.). It doesn’t mean he’s gay, because there are plenty of “macho” gays. However, a dislike of male culture often means he’s a player/narcissist who—outside of a work environment– is uncomfortable being around other men. The player/narcissist has to be the center of attention, and that’s impossible at shooting range, the sports pub or the baseball stadium crowded with other dudes. Also, I’ve found male narcissists don’t take well to ribbing, joshing, and other staples of male culture.
Hyper-ideological/passionate about X (“how can we sit here in this cafe when rain forests are dying?!”)
Obsession with his personal appearance (although being fit is good)
Estranged from family “because they are crazy” (this is usually an excuse to avoid the responsibilities of being engaged in family responsibilities)
Uncomfortable with, or even the idea of, donating his time (donating money is not the same. It’s easy to write a check, and it’s a tax-write off. It’s far more emotionally difficult to deal with the homeless at a soup kitchen or sit with patients at a hospice. I know, because I’ve written checks and I’ve sat with patients. The latter is far more difficult.)
Excessive consumption of alcohol or banned substances (ironically, a WSJ article noted this is rising much faster in 50+ men than in 18-24 men, a historical first)
Highly impulsive and/or gets bored easily. “I’m tired of this town. I’m off to Peru for a year.”
Long-term unemployed or has a highly negative attitude toward work
In short, we old bachelors are not all bad guys. But, realistically you may have to be a sort of “quiet probation officer” with us, at least for the first few months. But maybe the same is true with any man.