Emotions to Expect While Going Through Divorce

Did you know that a 2002 Chevy Corvette can go from 0 to 60 mph in 1.97 seconds? What a ride! In fact there are 22 luxury vehicles that can go from 0 to 60 in less than 3 seconds. Amazing. What also happens at an amazing speed is how quickly your emotions can take hold of you and control you. Happiness, anger, jealousy, frustration... all from 0 to 60 in about a split second. Ever feel this way? If you're divorced, no doubt you've experienced something just like this.

Controlling your emotions is one of the toughest battles after divorce because of their illogical frequency. They show up unannounced like a group of rowdy punk kids wreaking havoc on an otherwise calm situation. The challenge is to gain control of your emotions so they don't control you. Easier said than done, right? Well, before you break that dish or throw that wine glass across the room, consider for a moment the Gospel account of Jesus driving the merchants out of the temple and how it addresses this issue of overwhelming emotions – in Jesus' case, rage – in a very poignant way. There are a few really important points from it that I'd like to share with you.

First, this Gospel reading from John chapter 2 illustrates how zeal for His Father's house consumed Jesus... turning over tables and knocking down displays with great indignation. Isn't this much the way your ex-spouse can make you feel, even years after the fact? Jesus was fully human and fully divine, so he had all the same emotions we do and it appears that his righteous anger motivated His actions. Divorce is so unjust and anyone who has been through one can easily understand the intensity of Jesus' rage. But the difference here is that Jesus was not out of control. He was making a point that sorely needed to be made. Rarely, if ever, does a situation in our everyday lives warrant that kind of demonstration. Yet, all the same, those powerful emotions we feel can get us riled to the point of wanting to break something... or hit something. We know we shouldn't go around destroying things out of anger, but sometimes the right thing to do is to speak up. Where can we find the balance?

The balance lies in being merciful, the same way Jesus is merciful with us. And since divorce provides ongoing opportunities to be frustrated and perpetuate that anger, we must practice being merciful every day.

The story of Jesus overturning the money-changers' tables was one of two possible Gospel readings for Mass on Sunday, March 8, with the other being the account of Jesus meeting the woman at the well. I don't know which one you heard, but the other was the story of the Samaritan woman Jesus met at the well and I noticed a distinct and poignant link between the two readings: the link between love and mercy. We know that Jesus was very bold in crossing this boundary between the Samaritan woman and him. Jewish males didn't interact with Samaritans or women. But Jesus was bold. Why? Because his sole interest was in the salvation of that woman's soul.

Jesus didn't care what the merchants in the temple thought of him, he wanted their hearts to change, he wanted their salvation. He didn't care what any observers would think of him talking to a Samaritan woman, he wanted her salvation. And he certainly didn't care what the Pharisees thought as they complained that he welcomed and dined with sinners, he had one thing on his mind and that is their salvation.

Jesus shows us how to love sinners, how to be merciful, and this is what we must do. It may seem impossible, but don't take my word for it, look at Jesus' example. He is the One who can help you manage your emotions and learn to have mercy on your ex-spouse and anyone else who has hurt you, through his grace and through his love for you.

Considering all your personal circumstances, where would you rate your level of anger at this time? What are those specific influences? Where would you rate your willingness to be merciful to those who are enraging you?

I encourage you in these last few days of Lent to pray for the grace to merciful to your ex-spouse and anyone else who has caused you grief. A great way to do this is to pray the Stations of the Cross and really contemplate Jesus and Mary as they walk to Calvary. Jesus, with his sacrificial love for us sinners and Mary, filled with grief as she watches her innocent son die. There is also a powerful novena out there called the Mary, Undoer of Knots novena that I highly recommend.

I welcome your comments and questions at [email protected].