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Thomas R. Golden
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The Way Men Heal Paperback – September 1, 2014

by Thomas R. Golden LCSW (Author)
4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 123 ratings
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Golden's first book was acclaimed by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Robert Bly, Hope Edelman and others. This book The Way Men Heal summarizes that material and:
  • Identifies how men have a unique way to heal from loss that is often misunderstood or not recognized.
  • Explains why men's emotional processing is invisible.
  • Reveals why men cry less often.
  • Shows how men use action and solitude to heal.
  • Describes why men are less likely to talk about their emotions.
  • Offers a section on tips for helping the men you love.
  • Reviews the research that supports these ideas. (still up to date in 2023!)
Golden has worked for over 40 years with men and boys who have been traumatized by events such as death, divorce, or job loss. This book encompasses information that will help you navigate your own situation. There are stories of many men, including Michael Jordan and Eric Clapton that illustrate the unique ways men heal. After reading this book, women are relieved when they realize men heal in different ways. Men feel better when they are not forced to cry and talk about their situation of loss. This book will be an excellent addition to any healing toolkit.

How to use this book.

Women – Buy the book and pick out parts of the book to share with your male loved ones. Ask them if it seems right to them. And if it is not right how do they see it. This is the easiest way to have a conversation with him about his emotions and you will learn more about his ways!

Men - Buy the book and pick out the parts that harmonize with your way of healing. Show your spouse those parts. Discuss your differences and encourage her to accept your unique way.

Boys - Buy the book and read to him the parts he might need to know. Ask him if he thinks the book is right. If it is not correct get him to tell you about his way. This is the easiest way to have a conversation with him about his emotions!
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    58 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    September 1, 2014
  4. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.14 x 8.5 inches
  5. ISBN-10
    0965464946
  6. ISBN-13
    978-0965464949
  7. See all details
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Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ G H Publishing, LLC (September 1, 2014)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 58 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0965464946
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0965464949
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 3.52 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.14 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 123 ratings

About the author

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Thomas R. Golden

Thomas R. Golden

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Tom Golden, LCSW is well known in the field of healing from loss. Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing has been acclaimed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and others. His latest book The Way Men Heal is a quick summary of the contents of the Snake book and an update on the latest developments. Tom enjoys giving workshops in the United States, Canada, Europe and Australia, having been named the “1999 International Grief Educator” by the Australian Centre for Grief Education. Drawing on thirty years of practical, hands-on clinical experience, Tom brings a gentle sense of humor and a gift for storytelling to both his workshops and his writing. His work and his web site webhealing.com have been featured in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and U.S. News and World Report, as well as on CNN, CBS Evening News, ESPN and the NFL Channel.

Tom built the first interactive web site for bereaved people in 1995. webhealing.com. The page houses the internet’s first memorial site A Place to Honor Grief. Both continue to function today.

An outgrowth of Tom’s work with men was his realization of the misandry that our culture produces. He built a web site titled menaregood.com to house his writings on this serious problem.

Tom maintains a private practice in Gaithersburg , MD and also enjoys doing online consultations

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
123 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Martin Brossman & Associates LLC
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read and was great help to me!
Reviewed in the United States on January 23, 2013
Verified Purchase
This book is short, to the point, and dead on. I want every woman that is in relationship with a man that has had a loss to read it. Every man that has lost someone to read it. Every son that has lost a Father or Mother to read it. I have used Golden's work in my Men's Presentations for years and wanted him to write this book.

I am so glad I knew of his work before my own father died since it got me to spend more time with my dad even when it was hard to see his body and mind go downhill before his death. It helped me when I, as an only child, was making all the arrangements after his death and helped me during his funeral. This book is meant for therapists but the vast majority of the contents are helpful to everyone. I hope he will write a version just for men and women but this is well worth reading now and I am sure he would include part of it in that book.

Women always seem to wonder why "he does not seem to care" about a loss or "why is he acting that way over his Fathers death." This little book offers a window into helping both men and women in understanding that. Men tend to wonder why women seem to expect them to respond to loss in an interactive mode which is more the traditional path for women and often therapies. This is addressed.

This book brings understanding to what in my mind, many therapists were never taught and will love to learn.

Martin Brossman
Author of: Finding Our Fire - Enhancing men's connection to heart, passion and strength -  Finding Our Fire - Enhancing men's connection to heart, passion and strength
7 people found this helpful
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S&J W
4.0 out of 5 stars But this book is you care about the men and boys in your life.
Reviewed in the United States on June 23, 2019
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Golden shatters the myth that traditional ways men heal are . . . shall we say, sub-optimal. He points out that giving men to opportunity to process by doing rather than talking, particularly shoulder-to-shoulder activities with other men, can be most effective. In certain situations, even solitude provides the venue for men to heal. I know from my own life that learning to express my emotions can be very valuable, but trying to express them before processing in a way that works for me (and other men I know) is a fool's errand. Every woman with a man or boy in her life should read this book. It provides a path to understanding not common in today's psychotherapeutic approaches or current social climate. With males accounting for 80% each of suicides and homelessness, this book is must-read if we, as a society, actually give a damn about the men and boys in our lives.
8 people found this helpful
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Ashley O.
5.0 out of 5 stars Great insight
Reviewed in the United States on October 9, 2023
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Great insight into what grieving looks like for men with a good understanding of how to support any man who is struggling with grief, loss, or hardship. I've already recommended this book to a few men and women in my life.
3 people found this helpful
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Adam Leonas
5.0 out of 5 stars Making space for men to grief and deal with pain
Reviewed in the United States on December 26, 2015
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Females being the dominant sex, every social dominant convention is female-centered.
Consumption is female-centered, with women doing most of the buying, reproduction is female-centered,
with family and divorce laws favoring women, and the main ethos of our era, competitiveness, is
female-driven, since men must compete to the top in order to be chosen as mates by the sole selectors,
women.

The social expectations around facing grief and dealing with pain are also female-centered, with the standard
practice of talk-therapy in psychology being the highlight. Men, on the other hand, have other means to deal
with pain and grief.

That's where this book fits the grand scheme of things: it cuts through the pervasive
gynocentrism, to discover and bring to light men's ways of coping under extreme stress - which is markedly
different than women's: through actions rather than talk. It counter-balances the standard narrative in this specific social niche, making
more space for men.

It's a book that can prove invaluable to those working as therapists, and those, men and women, that need
to go through their own grief and can't seem to find anyone to understand and help them in an effective way.

Adam Leonas, author,  The Empress Is Naked: From Female Privilege to Gender Equality and Social Liberation
3 people found this helpful
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Roy
3.0 out of 5 stars Ended pretty abruptly. Thought some themes should have been elaborated ...
Reviewed in the United States on November 14, 2014
Verified Purchase
Ended pretty abruptly. Thought some themes should have been elaborated on. Did enjoy some of the research author shared about physiological changes between males and females and how they grieved. I was convinced that men and woman really do grieve differently (face to face versus shoulder to shoulder).
One person found this helpful
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Bri
5.0 out of 5 stars Valuable insights for men who are grieving
Reviewed in the United States on November 7, 2021
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There are so few books that address the unique needs and desires of men in their grief. This book takes into account some of the ways that men and women often differ (acknowledging the overlap) in how they process grief. There is great insight into the social, emotional, and hormonal factors that contribute to these differences. It gives men permission to approach their grief in a different way from the typical support-group or talk-therapy methods that are most commonly offered. This book could provide great insights for couples who are having difficulty with different styles of grieving.
4 people found this helpful
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Practical Buyer
4.0 out of 5 stars Would recommend
Reviewed in the United States on April 28, 2022
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This book is very useful. It helped me understand more about not just men, but women too.

The only downside is that it was not well written--grammatical errors, especially run-on sentences, on every page. The book could have used some professional editing. But I still recommend it.
One person found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Carlos
5.0 out of 5 stars Genial
Reviewed in Spain on March 10, 2016
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Un libro conciso que te ayuda a entender otras formas menos evidentes de comportamiento. Muy útil para relacionarte con ese tipo de personas y comprenderlas mejor. Además es un gran anticipo para el libro más completo de Tom Golden: Swallowed by a Snake.
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Angry Dog
5.0 out of 5 stars A succinct book providing an alternative perspective on grief
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 4, 2014
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If you're looking for a weighty tome, The Way Men Heal isn't it. At 54 pages, it's a quick read as books go. However, this does not mean that Golden doesn't have a lot to say -- far from it. He has, in fact, done a superb job at distilling down his ideas and communicates them succinctly without the need to repeat himself. It's quite an elegant work really, and a delight to read.

Golden begins by introducing the masculine side of healing which involves "action", and describes how this differs from the feminine mode which involves "talking" or openly expressing grief. While men generally tend to use the masculine mode when dealing with pain, Golden is keen to stress that people cannot simply be pigeon-holed according to their sex -- both men and women can use both modes. However, as Golden explains, much of psychiatry is based around "talking about emotions" and, in effect, focuses solely on the feminine mode of healing while ignoring the masculine mode.

Golden goes on to discuss the reasons behind this difference, including how men's suffering is invisible and taboo in our culture, and how they can often face prejudice in their grief. If you can't picture how this can be so, he gives the following example:

"Imagine you are being seated in your favourite restaurant. As you are walking toward your table you see a woman at a corner table crying with her head in her hands. What is your first reaction? I have asked this question to thousands of people in the workshops I give. The most frequent response is "She's upset," "Poor dear," "She needs support." Think of what your own response was. Think too of your raw gut reaction to seeing this woman crying. Now erase that image start a new image. You are walking in the same restaurant and as you are seated you see a man at the same corner table who is crying. What is your first reaction? Most people respond that they are very leery of him: "There's something wrong with that man," "He must be drunk" or other phrases conveying the sense that this man needs to be avoided."

Golden describes how, instead, men deal with their pain privately -- usually by doing something rather than by open expression. Typically, this will take the form of practical or creative action, such making a pilgrimage of some kind, dedicating a memorial or a piece of work, or simply listening to music which holds some special meaning. In the final chapters, he discusses how best to help men deal with their pain and provides suggestions for therapists.

In my view, The Way Men Heal is an important work because it is one of the very few texts which discusses how the male half of the human race typically handle their emotions. It underscores the fact that men are human beings with human emotions, and simply because society not allow men to display their emotions in the same way as women, it cannot be assumed that men don't feel pain or are in anyway less human. If nothing else, it provides practical guidance on how to help a male friend deal with his emotional pain and an insight to what he is feeling.
3 people found this helpful
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Chris
4.0 out of 5 stars Concise and important in equal measure!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 30, 2019
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Well worth a look! All the advice can be transferred to personal and familiar circumstances easily. Found this through the author's YouTube videos, which are excellent.
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Robert Campion
5.0 out of 5 stars Food for thought on an important subject
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 19, 2021
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Tom Golden is an American psychotherapist, who specialises in men's issues--depression, trauma (often caused by a break up or nasty divorce), bereavement, and so on. His thesis is that men tend to heal--psychologically, emotionally--in a different way to women. The therapist, therefore, has to take a dlifferent approach. And so does the man concerned. Tom Golden's book is relatively short--around 58 pages--and is written succinctly and well. In this book you will find the distilled essence of a lifetime of experience in this field. Tom Golden gives examples of well known personalities who underwent the loss of a loved one, and how they dealt with that. He also gives (anonymous) examples of people known to him personally, and how they dealt with their loss.

Tom Golden participates in a YouTube channel called "Regarding Men", along with Paul Elam and Janice Fiamengo. That is how I came to know of him. He also has his own channel, "Men are good".
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Arianne Steele
5.0 out of 5 stars A very much needed book. Short, concise, ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 7, 2015
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A very much needed book. Short, concise, says what it has to say - and something that needs to be heard more.
It illuminates the understanding the men have other ways of healing that talking about their problems, which is typically expected of them now that society has become more open about feelings. People need to create a space where men feel safe to talk about their feelings when they need to, but also respects and facilitate that they may want to heal in other ways that are more solitary or ritualistic: whether it's playing music, writing a book, visiting somewhere as a pilgrimage, playing ball in their honour.

Since this book can be read in an hour or so everyone can afford to read it and gain insight.
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