What’s in a Name?
A lot rides on your username—more than you may think. It needs to be simple but inviting. It’s just like real life. If you have a fun name, like a girl named Poppy, you’re probably crushing it out there. If you have a boring name, like Herbert, you probably died alone during the Great Depression.
Primp Your Profile
Your profile is like a canvas. Your words are like a paintbrush. All of which would be good news if you knew how to paint. However, drinking wine and painting a mug on a bad second date does not qualify you to be a painter of dating profiles. Try casting a wide net with an appealing and impossible balance of conflicting descriptors. Say you’re quirky but also comfortably mainstream. You like to go out at night but you also like not to go out at night. You’ve got swagger but sometimes you sing Radiohead’s “Creep” while eating Carl’s Jr.
Pick Your Picture
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. A selfie, on the other hand, is worth seventeen words. A man’s shirtless mirror selfie is worth three words. And a woman’s shirtless mirror selfie is worth more lewd messages than she can read. That picture of you riding a camel on vacation is worth two very specific words: camel rabies.
Be Honest About What You Want
When you expect other people to read your mind, it often leads to disappointment. If you’re on OkCupid because you’re in search of something serious, let people know. If you’re on Tinder for casual sex, be honest (but not entitled), because others may have different intentions. If you’re on eHarmony for some milk-fetish stuff, you probably need to start getting honest with yourself.
Send a Real Message
No one wants an inbox full of the same two-word messages. At the same time, long messages can be tedious. Your opening lines need to be eye-catching and confident. And funny. And smart, but not pretentious. Your message needs to be a sexy cannon shot across your prospective mate’s bow that roars, “Ahoy, Fitnfun237_,_ I’ve sailed the seven seas of your profile; prepare to be boarded! ” No matter what, your message should be pirate-themed.
Be Patient
Patience is always a virtue, but with online dating it’s a necessity. Remember: true love can take time. When sitting down to dinner with someone, you may want to barrel ahead to questions like “Was your profile picture taken fifty years ago?” Or “What do you mean, your butler is pulling the yacht around?” But be patient! Don’t blurt out, “Do you need that oxygen to survive?” Hang in there, and in only nine short years you could inherit that geezer’s stunning beach house on the Cape!
Don’t Close Yourself Off
Online dating is rife with unrequited messages and unsuccessful dates—each a fresh leak in the life raft of your hapless heart. That sounds bad enough to make anyone hide behind towering walls of sarcasm. But you can’t; you need to be open to love. Do you think football players rely on sarcasm to protect them when they’re about to be tackled by some monster linebacker? No, they take hit after hit after hit, until they’re physically unable to continue, or until some younger, sexier player replaces them. And you practically never see professional football players on dating sites, so they must be doing something right.
Listen to Your Gut
You’re out on a first date. The restaurant is perfect and the guy looks even better than his pictures. But something’s not quite right. We all know the feeling—it starts as a faint tug at the nape of your neck. The next thing you know, you’re experiencing full-blown waves of nausea, cold sweats, and blurry vision. Don’t ignore it! That’s your heart trying to tell you that this unpasteurized, farm-to-table meal is giving you legit food poisoning.
Enjoy the Journey
Online dating is like your fifth glass of whiskey. It may complete you, but it may also make you cry. It may make choices such as “I’ve known this person four total hours; I think I’ll invite him into my apartment and turn off all the lights” seem sound. It’s a journey on which you can lie and say that your sinless Grammy just died, simply so that you don’t have to talk to your date for one goddam second longer. So get out there and enjoy it!
