1. When you have to plan your church anniversary outfit weeks in advance because you know everyone is going to be sharp as a tack.
2. When the person next to you catches the holy ghost.
3. When you see someone speaking in tongues for the first time.
You watch my shoes too, Brother Macklin.
4. When you say good morning to the deacon on Sunday morning after seeing him in the club Saturday night.
5. When the preacher tells you to turn and hug your neighbor but you don't know the person sitting next to you.
6. But when you happen to be sitting next to your crush:
7. When you’re at a new church and they ask for visitors to stand.
8. When the children's choir sounds absolutely horrible but you have to play it off because you don't want to look like a monster.
9. When your church crush walks past looking good as a Sunday dinner and you want to check them out but you don't want to go to hell.
10. When someone gets up to testify and begins with "Pastor, members, and friends; first giving honor to God, who is the head of my life..." and you just know they're gonna be up there forever.
11. When you hear that dinner will be served after service.
12. But then you get there and all of Sister Johnson’s mac and cheese is already gone.
13. When you’re ready to go but the choir fires up “I Won’t Complain” and you know it’s going to take them 40 minutes to finish the whole song.
14. When the soloist lets you know they're about to sound terrible by saying "I've been a little sick so bear with me as I sing this song."
15. When someone in the choir is more than a little off-key.
16. What the pastor expects to happen during the offering.
17. But the way your bank account is set up...
18. And then when you get in the parking lot later and realize that the pastor drives a nicer car than you do.
19. When Brother Taylor finally finishes testifying after 25 minutes at the podium.
20. When the sermon starts getting good to you.
21. But when it feels like the preacher is talking directly to you and your particular situation.
22. When the preacher threatens to keep preaching because the crowd isn't responding.
23. And when someone in the crowd yells for him to keep going.
24. When you and your friends get bored and start acting up because you don't think your mom can see you.
25. But your mom sees you and threatens your life without saying a single word.
26. When the pastor takes up a second collection in the same service.
27. When the pastor finally dismisses the congregation but you have to wait until your parents are finished talking before you can leave.
28. When you overhear the church ladies cussing after church.
29. And when it's finally, finally time to go home a solid 12 hours after you got there.
