The Risky Business of Love

So I've been giving it a lot of thought and I think I've figured out why dating can be so hard for people: it requires that humans, who rely on logical thinking, engage in illogical behavior.

When we are children, most of us at some point touch a hot burner, feel pain, and then learn not to touch a hot burner again in the future. This capacity we have to learn to avoid things that will hurt us is fantastic…except when it carries over to the dating world. Now, if you’re a lucky son of a gun you might get to marry your high school sweetheart, have a flawless relationship, and then die in one another’s arms at the exact same moment in time. But, for most of us, that won’t happen which means that at some point we’re forced to put ourselves “back out there”, knowing that we could (and likely will) get burned.

So this leads to an important question: Can you date without encountering the risk of getting hurt?

The short answer is no (unless you have Antisocial Personality Disorder maybe).

Do people try to date without facing the risk of getting hurt?

All of the time. They play games. They keep people at a distance. They try to convince themselves and the ones around them that they would be just fine if things didn't work out with that certain someone. They don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable; they don’t act authentically, they don’t communicate their feelings, they don’t reveal their quirks and imperfections.

For the most part, the more times you've been hurt, the more likely you are to engage in all of that aforementioned behavior. I work with people of all ages and from what I've seen, the older the client, the more hesitant and anxious they tend to be when jumping back into the dating swamp (let’s be honest, it’s not an appealing, crystal clear, warm pool; it’s a messy pit comprised mainly of muddy water and toads). And even in my own life, I can see how my beliefs and actions in regards to love and relationships have transformed due to painful experiences. It’s hard—dare I say impossible—to dive in blindly when you know firsthand of all the things that could go sideways and all of the ways you could get hurt.

Now, here’s the kicker: as cliché as it sounds, if you don’t experience risk then you eliminate the potential for reward. So, if you want that amazing kind of love that only comes around every so often...

"Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love"

...then you've got to try to let yourself be vulnerable. Have awkward conversations. Reveal your imperfections. Be honest about your feelings. And, as counter-intuitive as this sounds, don't let your logical brain get in the way.

It’s easier said than done but it’s what I tell my clients because it’s what I genuinely believe.

Happy Monday!