‘This is a photograph of what I can only describe as a domestic horse.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘This is a photograph of what I can only describe as a domestic horse.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
This article is more than 9 years old
Terrible estate agents’ photographs: excrement, horses and toilets in the kitchen
This article is more than 9 years old
You thought everyone trying to sell a house knew the golden rules of painting the walls magnolia, tidying away the junk and displaying fresh flowers? Think again. A new book celebrates some of the least attractive purchases on the market
Britain occasionally seems like a country obsessed with selling houses. There is a small industry based around telling you how to do it, including endless TV shows, magazines and books. The advice they have to give almost always seems thuddingly obvious, but judging by the images collected in Terrible Estate Agent Photos, perhaps it isn’t obvious enough. In between informing the nation about the necessity of decluttering and choosing neutral paint schemes for the home you’re attempting to sell, Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer should clearly have also underlined the importance of not leaving a large pile of excrement in the middle of the floor. When sharing her expert advice on the most appealing way to renovate a kitchen, Sarah Beeny should apparently have mentioned that it’s best not to have a working lavatory, complete with toilet paper, in the middle of it. Renovating your front door can give your home that all-important “kerbside appeal”, but if you haven’t got time to repaint it, at least ensure that the front door is where it should be: there is a chance that potential buyers may be put off if you have just boarded up the entrance.
‘When I was a child, my favourite fairytale was the one about a front door doomed to gaze down on its original position from an upstairs window.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
In fact, there’s something vaguely heroic about sheer indifference shown here towards “kerbside appeal” and the “wow factor”. It’s not just the sellers who are implicated: it’s the agents. You have to question the commitment of the person who elected not to bother moving the trampoline that had blown into the tree, but to just take a photo as it was. And sometimes, there’s a commendable honesty about them too. While some of the photos clearly have a story behind them (what’s that horse doing there? How did the loft get so full of rubbish that the hatch leading to it is bulging with the stuff?), others surely don’t. The bedroom with the unmade bed and the pair of jeans in the middle of the floor; the desolate, rainy patio with the football: these are what houses actually look like when real people live in them. The sellers could have made a bit more effort for the camera, but at least they weren’t trying to flog anyone an unattainable dream of a spotless and perfect life.
‘On a cold winter’s night, there’s nothing quite like a poorly executed drawing of a log fire.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Eventually estate agents learn to identify one another by their droppings.’ http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘The beauty of fir trees is that they are evergreen (sempervirens in Latin), meaning that this property will be guaranteed no sunlight whatsoever, all year round.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Attention to detail is very important. For example, here the agent has dragged the body outside before taking the photograph.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘On the international market, idiosyncrasies of decor often betray the geographical location of a property as much as the address, such as with this Berlin apartment.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘The practicality of these bunk beds is compromised somewhat by the owners’ inability to enter the room and use them.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Modern software packages now allow agents to add artificial features to their photographs which are absolutely indistinguishable from the real thing.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘This image was a recently included in an exhibition called the Misery of the British Childhood.’ h Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Ensure every day is a good day, by making it impossible to get out on the wrong side of the bed. Terrible estate agent photos.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘If the agent had subsequently decided to open the attic hatch, one suspects the following few seconds would have been spectacular.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Too good an opportunity to miss, the agent here has made a feature of a monster costume from an early episode of Doctor Who.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘For Sale. Owner last seen removing his jeans before jumping out the window.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Kitchens are increasingly being built to accommodate those of us with particularly fast metabolisms. It has never been more important to wash your hands before preparing food.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘After days of waiting this agent’s patience is finally rewarded. Weak with thirst, a pair of wild mattresses appear at the watering hole.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
‘Even to the untrained eye, this doesn’t look like a very practical setup.’ Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com Photograph: http://terriblerealestateagentphotos.com
Terrible Estate Agent Photos by Andy Donaldson is published by Square Peg, £8.99. Order a copy for £7.19 with free P&P at guardianbookshop.co.uk or on 0330 333 6846
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