We Are All Spock

Leonard Nimoy is dead.

Spock. Spock is dead. I know that it isn’t fair to his memory to equate him to one role but he will always be Spock to me. Even when he narrated In Search Of…, while I knew it was Leonard Nimoy, I was listening to Spock.

I grew up on the original series. Star Trek had been part of my life for 10 years when The Next Generation started. I had watched and bonded with the character through the original Star Trek. Relived their willingness to push the boundaries of known space in The Animated Series. Learned more about who they were through the books that I pilfered from my mother’s bookshelf and that now live on mine. Finally, I had seen them mature, grow, and die in the movies that I begged my parents to take me to see.

During this time, like most young, geeky boys. I wanted to be Kirk. Who wouldn’t? Everyone liked him. He was brave and always managed to save the day with the assistance of his crew.

Of course, I was never going to be Kirk. I was Spock.

I was Spock even when I didn’t realize it. Around the time I started becoming a big Star Trek fan I had started being teased and bullied. I was smart, thin, and different. I liked sports but wasn’t good at any of them. These things plus hitting a reset button on my neighborhood every few years made me different. An easy target.

Like Spock.

For most of the original series, you knew that Spock is different but usually the challenges he faced as a youth were mere references. One liners trying to put things into context for the viewer. If you just saw Amok Time you would assume that he was just an average Vulcan. It wasn’t until the The Animated Series episode Yesteryear that you really get a sense of what Spock had to live through.

Vulcan Boy #1 Earther! Barbarian! Emotional Earther! You’re a Terran, Spock. You could never be a true Vulcan.

Spock: That is not true. My father

Vulcan Boy #2: Your father brought shame to Vulcan. He married a human.

(Spock lunges at them but but they dodge him easily)

Change a few of the words and that exchange happened to me all of the time growing up. Of course, it isn’t what Spock went through that made me, deep down, want to be Spock.

It was what he achieved. He was second in command of the best ship in Starfleet. He was referenced as the best first officer in Starfleet on more than one occasion. He was listened to and respected by everyone.

And he could suppress his emotions.

When you are bullied, the one thing that gives the bully victory is seeing you cry. They love it when you lash out wildly as it gives them a reason to hit you again. Harder. Spock learned to push all of that down. He moved ahead despite being bullied. He covered it all up with logic. He let it drive him forward.

I sooo wanted to be Spock.

Today when I learned Leonard Nimoy had died, I cried. More than I ever have for someone whom I had never met. I was sad when DeForest Kelley and James Doohan died but today, I cried.

I, and every geek boy of the 60s and 70s, lost an idol today. We lost someone who showed us that there was a future beyond the names and the bullying. Someone who taught us to look up at the sky and not down at the ground where we were shoved.

I grieve because deep down, I am Spock. We are all Spock. Today we lost a big part of ourselves.