What I Taught My Daughter About Her Worth

As the mother of an 18 year old daughter, I have had plenty of time to reflect on the good and bad decisions I've made as a parent. My husband and I aren't perfect, of course, but we did try our best. One thing we made a conscious decision to teach her is what she is truly worth.

Early Lessons in Life

Obviously, life throws curve balls and it's your job to duck, catch some of them, or survive the times they hit you square on. I can remember at age 5, my daughter telling me in the car one day that she "wanted to be a boy". I thought, "Hmmm, this is interesting." I proceeded to ask her, "Why is that?" Her answer rocked my world.

With her cute little lisp, she explained, "I don't like to wear dresses. Can you cut my hair like a boy and get me boy clothes? And I need a new name, too." As I held back giggles, I began to understand her logic. She looked at her two big brothers as better than her because they had different toys, could do "big kid" things, and had so much in common with each other. She just wanted to fit in!

My first lesson to teach my daughter about her worth was to explain to her at that young age that boys and girls are equal. Period. Sure, her brothers might like different toys and be better at certain things, but that only meant that she was special for the things that she loved to do and was good at. I reminded her that she was already a great reader, that she always listened to mommy and daddy, and that her brothers loved her extra special because she was a sister.

After that, I was sensitive to including her in anything that her brothers loved to do like building train tracks, playing with their Hot Wheels race track, or playing pretend with toy dinosaurs. She always wanted to be a part of whatever her brothers were doing and I made sure that she (and her brothers) knew that it was OK.

The Middle Years

Even though my daughter loved her dolls and playing pretend with her cooking set (which belonged to her brothers first, by the way), she always favored the idea of trying to surpass her brothers and male classmates. Skateboarding? Check. Playing the guitar? Check. Getting a better score on her math test than the highest scoring boy in the class? Check.

She attended four Father/Daughter Dances from third grade to sixth grade and I still have those special pictures framed in my office. In fact, I'm looking at them now and remembering how excited she was to show off her dad and have him all to herself for the evening.

Being a "tween" wasn't just about coming into her own as a young lady, no. She already felt everyone treating her differently...and she didn't like it. I remember her getting really irritated in middle school about the fact that she couldn't just "hang out" or study with a guy friend anymore because people would either say things behind her back or the boy would think she had a crush on him. She just wanted to be friends!

Having "the talk" with her wasn't easy, but I sat her down and explained what happens with hormones, blah blah blah. Then, I told her to listen carefully because some things were going to start happening to her soon...and she needed to know what to do with those feelings.

I explained our values to her and why waiting until marriage was the best gift she could give to her husband one day. I also explained to her that giving herself to other boys along the way would cause tremendous hurt for her when things didn't work out. She was worth far more than that. Her precious gift of purity was something worth holding onto because only one person would be worthy of getting her precious gift...and that was her husband.

She went through middle school unscathed in that area and made a point to continue doing her best to out-perform others in her class (especially the boys!). I remember her telling me one day that it made her feel really good when boys told her how smart she was. And I told her, "You know what? Not only do they think you're pretty, but they also know you're worth so much more than how you look. You're smart, too and they respect you for it!"

It was right around this middle school time that she and her dad started having a "date night" together. I truly feel that her father giving her his undivided time and attention made such a difference in her self-worth during that critical time of life and has lasted until this very day.

To High School...and Beyond

High school, for me, was the scariest time because I thought back to all of the dumb things I did in high school. My worst fear was having my daughter make any of those same mistakes or be rebellious in the ways I was. Thankfully, that girl has a way better head on her shoulders than I did at that age...she kept her standards for herself and never wavered.

Ok, actually...once in her junior year, I found out she had gone to a party and when she came home from her friend's house the next morning, she isolated herself immediately and didn't seem herself. My "mommy radar" went off and I went up to her closed bedroom door and asked her if she needed to talk. I could tell she was crying in there. I tried the door knob but it was locked. I thought my worst fear had been realized: a boy made her do something she didn't want to do.

She asked me for a few minutes and promised to come downstairs because she said she had something to tell us. Those ten minutes felt like an eternity. When she came down, she started sobbing and my husband and I couldn't understand anything she was saying. My husband and I looked at her with horror as the worst case scenario ran through our minds and we readied ourselves for battle. The next words out of her mouth were such relief, I can't express..."Mom & dad, I did something I wasn't supposed to do last night and I feel so bad about it. I drank alcohol at a party last night."

I almost wanted to laugh; I was so relieved. We had to talk to her about what can happen to a girl's judgement when drinks and boys are combined. We also warned her about GHB and that it is flavorless and could easily be put into a drink by a boy looking to take advantage of her. Good lessons for her college years to come. We felt it vital to warn her. We also told her that she was such a funny, witty, energetic person WITHOUT alcohol and that she didn't need anything like that to fit in, entertain her friends, be "better", or to have a good time. Again, I wanted her to truly understand that she was taking away from her worth as a young lady by getting drunk.

Ephesians 5: 15-20 - 15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Her senior year, she had a lot of friends that had graduated and left for college. Almost right away, she began to tell me the types of pictures and posts on Instagram that her friends were posting. She said she really worried for a few of them because they were always drinking with boys and some of them hadn't stuck to their purity vows. She thought about it for a good 15 seconds and started to tear up. She said that her heart hurt for them because they were doing these things to "fit in" with their new crowd, to be cool, and to be like everyone else. She realized that all of it was empty. Sure, it's fun while you're doing it, but in the morning, it's empty. The boys didn't want a relationship with them; he just wanted what he got and then he's done and moved on to the next "hook up".

She told me that moment that when she got to college, she would never go down that path. She saw many of those girls get sucked in to the partying & hooking up culture. And several months later, they expressed to her that they were depressed and felt like they had compromised everything and were worse off than when they got to college.

Psalm 119:9 - How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word.

College is Here

In 2014, she was accepted to one of the best engineering schools in the country. We were elated, of course, but we had also heard that this school "works hard and plays even harder". During our college tour, the dorm courtyard areas had filled-to-the-brim 8x10x6 foot chain link fence containers filled with beer bottles and cans. I started to feel the fear creep up inside of me and selfishly I almost told her maybe she should go to a different school (a private Christian University close to home where she could be sheltered from all of that, right?).

But sheltering our children only produces a lack of knowledge and good judgement when faced with new situations like this. No, this was the time to have a good sit down conversation and lay it all out with open communication rather than ignoring the impending campus life & social situations she would undoubtedly be faced with.

I reminded her of her friends that had gone off to colleges where they also "work hard and play even harder". I told her that now was the time for her to apply all of the things she had learned, seen, and been made aware of as far as drinking, boys, and safety were concerned. She had had a steady boyfriend for two years at the time (now three years) and they both wear a purity ring and he attends that private Christian University I mentioned earlier. I didn't feel the need to talk to her yet again about safety in that area.

However, now was the time to bring out all the guns. My husband and I made time to sit down with her one evening over dinner and talk about all of these things. My husband's protective daddy genes went into overdrive and he told her what he'd do to any boy who even looked at his little girl with lust in his eyes. We all laughed. He went on to tell her that when she was born, his world was opened up to new possibilities as a father. Her little eyes held nothing but innocence and vulnerability.

He told us that he imagined the day she would need him to comfort her when she had her first scraped knee. The joy in moments that she would do new things for the first time and excitedly brag to him about her accomplishments. Her first date, her first dance, her first year in college, her first day at her new job. When he would walk her down the aisle for her wedding day. He told her that all his eyes saw in his little girl was a world of possibilities.

He went on to tell her that boys don't see her with those same eyes. They see his little girl and all they see is a good time. They see a "friend with benefits". They see someone they can hook up with. They don't see her value, her purity, her precious worth in her father's eyes (and in her Heavenly Father's eyes). He told her to demand utmost respect and never accept anything less than that for herself. We all were tearing up by this time and I realized that I didn't need to say another word; her daddy had said it all.

Matthew 7:6 - Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Do you have a daughter? I'd love to hear about your adventures in raising up a young woman that also knows her worth! Leave a comment for me below or feel free to message me and get in touch!

Blessings,

Kim

Kim Virrueta is a Christian, wife, mother of three, and a youth leader for high school and college aged girls. She teaches the virtues of purity from the Word of God and helps young ladies learn their precious worth in their Heavenly Father's eyes.

Since 2005, she has also been a Biblical counselor for women at her church in Riverside, California.