Two years ago I discovered my husband was masturbating to porn videos up to 20 hours a day. Now I can't enjoy sex with him. He said we didn't have enough sex and that's why he had to masturbate. I said he was a lousy lover and I haven't had an orgasm in years. I shouldn't have said it, but I see him valuing sex more than his relationship with me.
You are both using sex as a weapon, and it is making things extremely painful. Try to avoid blame and instead pay attention to some serious issues that must be addressed immediately. Sit down and discuss them in a non- spiteful, non-judgmental manner. It is OK to express anger and frustration, but use "I" statements to tell him your exact feelings and ask for specific changes – for example, "I feel very upset about what is happening and I really need us to discuss it calmly." It's no good threatening, belittling, or asking him to stop masturbating; his compulsive sexuality will not improve without professional attention. Put aside your disgust, be compassionate, and help him to feel safe enough to seek treatment.
I understand your fury, but you chose him for many good reasons. Try to reconnect with your earlier positive feelings to him, and work to engage him in a joint effort to improve your lives.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
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