Veterans of the Internet have long known of the golden rule of social media: namely, that social media is without a doubt the worst thing there has ever been, and we'd all be better served if the whole thing were migrated to a stash of hard drives on a decommissioned battleship and sunk to the bottom of the sea. This holds extra-super-duper true on Valentine's Day, that wretched hive of tastelessness and bad chocolate that plagues our news feeds once every year.

That's because since the beginning of time (or the birth of Saint Valentine, or whatever), Valentine's Day has never been novel or tasteful in any way, and it never will be. Which is why, when it comes to working your Facebook/Instagram persona on V-Day, the only way to win is to stick to the Wargames principle and not play. Below is a list of things not to do with that special someone online on Valentine's Day—which, as you might have guessed, is more or less all the things you could possibly do:

Instagrams of Flowers to or from Your Significant Other

Unless you got suckered by this Hallmark holiday even worse than the rest of us, there is absolutely nothing special about the flowers you're about to Instagram. Just get Eddie the mailroom guy to 'gram the whole office's at once, save everyone some time.

Couple Selfies

First of all, don't do this, ever. Second, don't do this today, either.

Dinner Photos

You got gouged for a $95 three-course dinner (with a glass of champagne!) you had to book months in advance. The proper response is not pride but rather a deep, all-consuming shame.

Documenting Your Gift Exchange

Whether each of you are pleased, surprised, blown away, disappointed, disgusted, enraged, or all the more delighted at the prospect of spending the rest of your lives together, c'mon: it's still just a thing you bought at a store. Save the photos for mom, who will surely think it's so great and the both of you are such a pair of sweethearts. Aw, mom!

Proposing

Christ, man, what's wrong with you? Only acceptable if you're doing it via Jumbotron or the ring in the champagne thing, and if you want to be a caricature for the rest of your married life. Don't be that person who posts an engagement ring on February 14th. We're all just going to laugh at you.

Reminding Anyone of Your Happiness in Any Way Whatsoever

And besides, the point of being in love is that it's your thing—that feeling which no others can comprehend, the dream the rest of us can only dare to chase. Why spoil that by broadcasting it to the world, and making it all too unremarkable in the process?

So keep your mushy celebrations this weekend private, please; we just want to be bitter and jealous in peace, okay? Thanks.