Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 8, 2018
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 8, 2018
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 10, 2018
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Baby: *tries to eat a piece of a leaf*
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) October 11, 2018
Me: "No no, don't eat that."
Baby: *Looks at me, looks at leaf, looks at me, looks back at leaf*
Me: "Don't do it..."
Baby: *salivating at the fallen leaf like I do at a donut, then shoves entire leaf in mouth*
Me: *clocks out*
Me: What did you do at school?
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 26 days (@XplodingUnicorn) October 11, 2018
6-year-old: I mathed.
Me: It's not a verb. You can't "math."
6: I did. I mathed so hard.
Welcome to parenthood. You're the one who has to put their hand into the murky sink water and pull up whatever gross shit is clogging the sink now.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) October 10, 2018
One trait I definitely passed onto my kids is the ability to open the fridge and stare into it for a long period of time.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 11, 2018
My 10yo daughter got the American Girl Doll catalog and circled her college tuition.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 10, 2018
Before kids: I could run 4 miles & barely break a sweat.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 10, 2018
After kids: I can't walk 10 feet without stubbing my toe against something.
Do I want my kids climbing up on the kitchen counters to reach high cabinets? No.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 6, 2018
Do I want to get up and get them snacks myself? Also no.
In short, I’m sorry about the footprints on my countertops.
Me: look man the baby’s asleep, I just need to go upstairs quiet-
— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) October 11, 2018
Stairs: creak.
Me:
Stairs: I’m just kidding you can go.
Me: thank yo-
Stairs: creak creak.
I'm all for picking my kids up from school but every day?
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 9, 2018
That just seems a little excessive.
If you like someone breathing 2 inches from your face while throwing a wrench in anything you're trying to accomplish, parenting might be for you
— Haunted Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) October 10, 2018
Toddler: I'm full.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) October 11, 2018
Me: Ok, I'll put the rest of your food away.
Toddler: Can I have some ice cream?
Me: I thought you said you were full.
Toddler: My tummy feels better now.
Whenever I see a well-behaved kid out in public I’m like, “Wow! So impressive. I wonder what his parents bribed him with.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 10, 2018
Like a Sherlockian miracle worker, yet again I found the thing my kids were searching everywhere for, in the place I said it would be, where they swear they had already checked.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 6, 2018
Friendly reminder that your kids need food again
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) October 11, 2018
Toddlers don't see trashcans. They see lost & founds.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 7, 2018
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
— Vote November 6th (@ramblinma) October 10, 2018
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
What my wife says: “Wouldn’t it be fun if we all went apple-picking this weekend?”
— The Dad (@thedad) October 7, 2018
What I hear: “Wouldn’t it be fun to give someone money so we can spend a whole day doing manual labor as a family?”
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