In a world exclusive, former New York City Mayor and scandal-plagued attorney to President Donald Trump, Rudolph William Louis Giuliani appeared on Stephen Colbert’s Late Show on Tuesday to unveil shocking new evidence in his ongoing investigation of Hunter Biden. Widely understood to be the 49-year-old son to Trump’s prospective presidential campaign rival Joe Biden, Hunter is now believed to be one of those “Men in Black–style aliens,” specifically an Arquillian in a humanoid exosuit, says Giuliani (portrayed above by veteran thespian John Lithgow). In a perplexing act of self-sabotage, the true culprit of the 2016 election tampering, as “Giuliani” explained to Colbert, was a miniature Hillary Clinton operating this Hunter Biden exosuit. The whereabouts of this master of disguise are currently unknown, but this post will be updated as the story develops.
The Late Show has been having something of a free for all with with Rudy’s actual, but no less unhinged, appearances on cable news lately—riffing this time on his Oct. 6 appearance on Fox News’ Media Buzz wherein he aggressively shushed and shouted down host Howard Kurtz. The performance was exactly the kind of histrionic, paranoid, and legally dubious behavior that got Trump’s former National Security Adviser John Bolton to describe Giuliani as “a hand grenade” while the former was still working in the White House, an epithet that “Giuliani”—a former United States attorney for the Southern District of New York with a scrupulous attention to legal phrasing—took pains to clarify.
“Stephen, that’s crazy! Grenades are used by highly trained soldiers,” Lithgow’s Giuliani told Colbert. “I’m more like a can of hairspray someone turns into a flamethrower during a prison riot.”
Because this is merely a disposable late night sketch, Lithgow’s virtuoso caricature may go underappreciated, but it really is majestic: broad, spasmodic, and gelatinous; somewhere between live-action Mad parody and his own unhinged performance as Dr. Emilio Lizardo in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai. Let’s hope Rudy Giuliani doesn’t get his hands on an oscillation overthruster.
