—Bloomberg
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of our captain and the rest of the crew, I’d like to welcome you aboard Southwest Airlines Flight 32, with nonstop service to Phoenix. Our flight time will be approximately three hours and forty-two minutes, and we look forward to insuring that your journey with us today is as pleasant and carefree as possible.
Before we pull away from the gate, the captain has requested that you turn to the passenger seated directly next to you and introduce yourself, then promptly play a get-to-know-you game such as Two Truths and a Lie. Please hold hands and maintain eye contact with your seatmate throughout the remainder of these announcements.
Again, this is a completely full flight, folks. However, an additional sixty-one passengers will be boarding shortly, so please scrunch in and make room as best you can.
At this time, please insure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright and locked position, though the captain has asked me to inform you that we will be reclining your seats at random throughout the flight, starting now.
We’d like to ask you to please direct your full, uninterrupted attention to the television monitors in front of you, which should begin flashing staticky bright colors and blasting looped audio from the trailer to the animated feature film “The Croods.”
Before we proceed with safety announcements, the captain has requested that you all stand up and switch seats with your pre-assigned cabin partner, whose location you can determine by subtracting your row number divided by two from the sum of the number of your seat letter with the number of times you’ve flown with us in the past two years plus one times one.
At this time, my fellow crew member Todd will be walking throughout the cabin to oversee this process, as well as to shove you out of the aisles.
Complimentary tequila service will commence approximately fifteen minutes after we reach cruising altitude; shortly after that, we will cut the air conditioning and severely turn up the heat. Then we will ask you to switch seats again—this time with a passenger of equivalent physical attractiveness, as determined by the man seated in 16-D.
Ladies and gentlemen, our in-flight entertainment on this flight to Phoenix will be LIVE! We’ve gathered sixteen of the nation’s newest college a capella groups to première original arrangements of “Walking on Broken Glass” every seven minutes until we land. They’re being paid in tips, so please be considerate.
Now we ask you to please fasten your seat belt by sliding the sharp metal buckle along the miniature chalkboard slate six-times fast, and then tying off the strap in a fisherman’s knot. Hungry babies have been spread throughout the cabin, so please assist them before you assist yourself.
The captain requests that all mobile phones, pagers, radios, and remote-controlled devices be turned on, and played at full volume. If the passenger seated next to you fails to comply, please smack him hard across the face and let loose a stream of insults regarding his most prominent physical flaw.
We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited throughout the aircraft, including in the lavatories, which, by the way, have been locked from the inside.
There are several emergency exits on this aircraft, though they are constantly changing. Please take a moment to locate your nearest exit, I guess.
We will be leaving the gate in approximately two hundred and six minutes; in the meantime, when we feel like it, we will be splitting you up into discussion groups to prepare fun presentations about your thoughts on the flight thus far. Easels, poster board, and leaky magic markers can be found under your seats.
Our in-flight meal this evening will be gazpacho and egg nog, served warm, and family style.
Thank you for choosing to fly with us on this balmy 3 A.M. flight. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the short hop-over to Sacramento.
Oh yeah, we’re going there now.
