‘I won’t be able to retire': When parents struggle with addiction, Pa. grandparents step in

Beth O’Boyle didn’t always mind Christmas.

She was a self-proclaimed “boring,” churchgoing nurse married to an accountant, with a son she loves.

But that was before addiction destroyed her holiday spirit.

O’Boyle is raising her 11-year-old grandson because of her son’s struggles with heroin addiction and her daughter-in-law’s bipolar disorder and drinking problems. In the process, the Pittston resident has tried to both love her son in active addiction and fight a legal battle with him for custody.

“It’s like having your skin ripped off your body with no anesthesia,” she said.

More:'The worst is yet to come': Pa. heroin, opioid deaths predicted to rise for years

On heroin:Not One More: Her sister's heroin overdose led her to be a health educator

That’s why she gets a bit depressed when December rolls around – instead of baking cookies and going caroling, O’Boyle is busy trying to find a way for her grandson to meet with his parents on Christmas Day.

“Everybody looks forward to Christmas and birthdays and holidays. I’m glad when they’re over. All it does is magnify the (pain) we’re going through,” she said.

O’Boyle never expected her life would take this turn, but she isn’t alone. Thanks in large part to the rise of the abuse of heroin and other opioids, more than 4,600 people died in 2016 in Pennsylvania of drug-related causes, according to a Drug Enforcement Agency analysis. Central Pennsylvania has experienced tragedy firsthand, with 127 deaths in York County in 2016, 39 in Franklin County, 29 in Adams County and 16 in Lebanon County.

The amount of grandparents raising their grandchildren is rising in Pennsylvania with the heroin epidemic, creating financial and mental burdens for people who thought they were about to enter their golden years.

Mama isn’t coming

Emily Roznowski was an athletic girl, a cheerleader, loved photography, and was usually on the honor roll before graduating from Cumberland Valley High School in 2012. But there was also a dark side: she struggled with anxiety and low-self esteem, and turned to ecstasy and then heroin to ease the pain in the year following her graduation, said her mother, Joanne Clough.

Emily attempted to get sober after finding out she was pregnant with a daughter, Carter (the father was the boyfriend who had introduced her to heroin). She was sober for most of the nine months after Carter’s birth, and was a competent and caring mother when she was sober, Clough said.

But on Dec. 3, 2016, Emily decided to pick up heroin before going to her job as a waitress. Likely unknown to her, what she received was fentanyl instead – an opioid that is up to 50 times stronger than heroin.

“She was sold what was basically a death pack,” O’Boyle said.

More:Is a heroin death a homicide? Lebanon County DA, but not coroner, says yes

More:Lebanon part of 'lucrative' area for heroin dealers

She never showed up to work that day, and her body was found in a Starbucks parking lot 18 hours later. Since the child’s father was also a relapsing heroin addict with only supervised visitation rights, O’Boyle was suddenly in a position she never once expected: raising a 9-month-old grandchild immediately after burying her daughter.

“I didn’t almost have the time to grieve because I had a baby. (Carter) would stand and look down the hall and (say) ‘mama, mama, mama’ and you have to tell her, ‘mama isn’t coming, honey,’” she said. “It’s not like you could throw yourself into a room and not come out for two weeks, because you have to change a diaper. You have to feed her.”

Clough is one of more than 88,000 grandparents in Pennsylvania responsible for the grandchildren living with them, according to Generations United, an advocacy group for intergenerational families. Four percent of children in Pennsylvania are living with non-parent relatives, and 32 percent of children in the foster care system are living with relatives.

While there is limited data directly showing that the increase is due to the opioid epidemic, 70 percent of support groups for grandfamilies in a recent Generations United survey identified opioids as a factor, said deputy executive director Jaia Lent. The increase in children living with non-parent relatives has risen in the past few years at the same time opioid deaths and arrests, she said.

Young enough?

The evidence is clear that children without a responsible parent do best when living with other relatives, Lent said. They have a better sense of belonging, are more likely to say they feel loved, and are more likely stay in contact with brothers and sisters than children placed with non-relatives.

However, grandparents who step up face a myriad of challenges – including the fact that many of them are facing the end of their working years.

“It’s rough – people have plans. Retirement is hard enough. You’ve got to plan like a tightrope to get it down,” said Matthew Kaplan, a Penn State professor of agricultural and extension education who specializes in intergenerational programs and aging.

About 20 percent of grandparents raising their grandchildren are living in poverty, according to Generations United, but they aren’t the only ones who struggle financially. Clough is a self-employed family lawyer whose business was already losing ground because of her efforts to help Emily while she was struggling with heroin addiction. She’s currently helping her other daughter, Diane, to afford student loans in college while also paying for daycare for her granddaughter. Many government programs to help with supporting the raising of a child are set up for parents, not grandparents, to apply, she said.

“I won’t be able to retire ever now, unless I win Powerball,” Clough said.

Advocates say more government programs should be designed to help grandparents who are caregivers, especially since they are saving taxpayers money in foster care costs the state would otherwise be paying. Generations United estimates that grandparents are saving taxpayers $4 billion per year, Lent said.

Making matters worse, grandparents said, are the costs of the court system itself, including hiring attorneys and especially if there are disputes with the child’s parents.

In addition to the finances, Clough can’t always forget that she is 60 years old – for instance, when Carter tries to wander away and Clough doesn’t have the speed she used to have.

“I have to do zone defense to get her to the car. I can’t do man-to-man, because she’s going to beat me every time,” she said.

Both Clough and O’Bolye also worry what will happen as they get older.

O’Boyle, 65, said she and her husband are more active than most people in their sixties – “most people my age bore me, because they don’t do anything,” she said. But she still wonders whether she is going to live long enough to raise the child.

Soccer moms again

In addition to the physical and financial challenges, grandparents dealing with complicated and heartwrenching situations in a family impacted by addiction often have their own mental health needs, experts said.

Some also struggle with feelings of guilt or shame, or conflicting feelings of loving their children but wanting to protect their grandchildren, Lent said. That’s why Generations United recommends grandparents find support groups and ways to meet their own mental health needs and those of their grandchildren – and Kaplan agrees.

More:Going to prison doesn't cure drug addiction

“When people go through hell, and are struggling, we know that that causes extreme psychological distress,” he said. “But we also know that a mediating factor is the amount of support that you have in your life.”

Social interactions can also suffer. Instead of playing bridge with friends, they are going to school events and soccer games with much younger parents, which can lead to a sense of social isolation, Lent said. The child can also feel embarrassed to have a grandparent instead of a parent come to their school, Kaplan said.

Despite the challenges, grandparents emphasized that their grandchildren are a blessing to them – possibly even a lifesaver to help them through the pain that accompanies dealing with a child struggling with addiction, or the loss of that child to a drug-related death.

“What I thought my life would be and where my life is, it’s just completely upside-down. However, my granddaughter is just an absolute delight,” Clough said.

Where to find resources

When grandparents who recently stepped in to care for their grandchildren contact Penn State professor and intergenerational programs expert Matthew Kaplan, they often simply don’t know where to start seeking help.

“The tone of people’s voice – it’s not like anger, and it’s not desperation, it’s kind of numb bewilderment,” Kaplan said.

Fortunately, the Penn State Extension has an extensive and recently updated list of support groups and helpful organizations for each county at the PA Kinship Navigator at http://aese.psu.edu/extension/intergenerational/program-areas/kinship.

People who are aware of support programs that aren’t on the list can click on “Submit a Program” to get the program added to the Kinship Navigator.

Generations United also has a list of supportive services and support groups throughout each state, including Pennsylvania, at www.grandfactsheets.org.

Joanne Clough, who is raising her granddaughter after her daughter died of an opioid overdose, also recommended grandparents consider participation in anonymous support groups for relatives of addicts, where you can sometimes meet people who understand what you are going through.