I have always been a reasonably confident person. But two weeks ago, something happened. I came face to face with the Victoria's Secret Angels during their fittings for the Victoria's Secret fashion show, and was subsequently reduced to a shell of my former self.
There was Adriana Lima, in her underwear, winking at me. The wink sends me into a tizzy. I want to marry her and be her best friend all at once. I immediately doubt everything I know about being a woman, including the outfit I put on that day (which, for the record, was really cute).
Earlier this week, Jennifer Lawrence admitted that she has reverse body dysmorphia, noting, "I have just such an idea of myself where I'm just like a Victoria's Secret model all the time and then I see the truth [in the mirror], and I'm just like 'What!?'" Girl, I know. These were my exact thoughts upon meeting Alessandra Ambrosio.
As a fashion editor, I have encountered my fair share of beautiful models but the Victoria's Secret Angels have a certain je ne sais quoi that can't be chalked up to copious bronzer, hair extensions, and oversized wings. They are sexy, yes, but also...so nice! And charming! They step into a room and they own it. I never really had the sorority bug and I absolutely hated Girl Scouts (yup, still mad about that, Mom) but I wanted to be part of this elite club. (There are only eight Victoria's Secret Angels.) In a moment of near-psychosis, I decided that I had to become one of them.
So what exactly does it take to become a Victoria's Secret Angel? Well, the main requirement is winning the genetic lottery. In that regard, I have already failed. But I am nothing if not committed, so I figured I would give it a shot.
There are four main steps to becoming a Victoria's Secret Angel:
Step 1: The Heavenly Body.
If you are going to be parading down what is arguably the world's longest runway in nothing but a thong, a bra, and some freakishly oversized wings, I imagine you want everything to be quite…tight. Each Angel has their own preferred workout method, but I decided to go with Doutzen Kroes, Lily Aldridge, and Alessandra Ambrosio's preferred method of torture fitness.
I called Mary Helen Bowers of Ballet Beautiful and told her to sign me up for the Angel treatment. Right now, the girls are in "crunch time" and do this wonderful thing that Mary Helen has invented called "Ballet Bootcamp," which is a two-hour, hyper intense version of the workout that Mary Helen typically does with her clients. Oh, and did I mention they do this twice a day? Stay tuned as I work my swan arms to death for four hours a day.
Step 2: The Heavenly Diet.
"You need to watch what you eat," Lima tells me. "I want to live very long, so I definitely believe that you are what you eat and the only way for you to have a long healthy life is really to take care of your food habits. That's where everything starts." Ugh. Of course it does. There go my grilled cheese lunches and (nightly? Don't judge me.) glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. I call Dr. Charles Passler, the same nutritionist who coached ELLE.com features editor Justine Harman through her Angel-diet last year. He promises to make me an Angel from the inside out. "What about Thanksgiving?" my mom asks me when I inform her of my plan. Mom, only three out of the eight Angels are American so Thanksgiving is just another Thursday to them.
Step 3: The Angel Attitude.
Speaking of inside out, one of the best things about hanging with the Angels is their energy. The amount of cameras and lights that surround them when they're on the job is the stuff of North West's tiny nightmares, but these women never complain: they maintain control over the room and gaze at everyone with smoldering smizes. They are gracious and kind but not in a creepy Stepford way. They are infatuating. This is the most precious Angel secret of them all, so off I go to Angel school, aka three hours of media training. I will master the slo-mo wink.
Step 4: The Face of an Angel.
The Angel look is pretty distinctive: glowing skin, shimmery body, long lashes, center part, loose sausage curls. It's girl-next-door perfection. It looks almost attainable, like if you had 20 extra minutes, maybe you could do it yourself. You cannot. You need three-hour oxygen facials, multiple trips to the spray tanner and waxer, and a signature scent. I would have to say bye bye to the blue and green eyebrows that I have been sporting for the past few months and actually do my hair every day.
So watch this space. Over the next two weeks, I'll chronicle my journey to Angel-dom. It sure has not been easy. In fact, it's been excruciating so far and I really need a drink. One week in, I even tweeted Victoria's Secret a declaration of basic defeat. They responded like this:
Angel wings are earned, not purchased.
