You may have noticed the warning signs of cognitive decline in your aging parent for some time. When you conclude that he is getting to the point when he is unable to safely manage financial decisions any longer, someone must take over for him. Typically a responsible parent has an estate plan and someone is appointed as your parent’s successor. It could be your also impaired or unprepared other parent. Or, it could be YOU.
Sometimes, for many reasons, even otherwise responsible people just don’t get their estate planning done. If your aging parent has not completed the estate planing needed, there are steps you can take that will protect both your parent and yourself. Of course you must urge your loved one to get the estate plan done or updated if it’s been decades since anyone looked at it. An appropriate plan will have a Durable Power of Attorney as a part of it. This is essential. You usually can’t do the job of protecting your parent without it. If the elder in your life doesn’t have a DPOA, you can get a form in your state and download it from the internet. You won’t have helpful legal advice to go with it, but it’s better than getting stuck in a very problematic situation with no legal permission to enable you to act on behalf of your parent. Get it signed and notarized.
Then the harder part. You have to bring up the subject of a transition of power with your aging parent. Here are 4 tips to help you do it in a way that is as respectful as possible.
1. Recognize and acknowledge that this transition of power is difficult for anyone. If your parent has been a powerful person in his life, and has been “the boss” in one way or another, giving up the status and position of being in charge will never be easy. Let your parent know that you understand this. Communicate that your effort is to protect his hard work and the prudent decisions he has made over the years and you are there to help. This acknowledgement lets him know that you respect that this is emotionally trying for him.
2. Carefully choose the right time to bring up this subject. Be sure that there are no immediately stressful life events going on that might distract from these important conversations. An illness, death in the family, loss of a dear friend, trouble with another family member, divorce or other traumatic incident will absorb your parent's attention and could interfere with your efforts. There may not be a perfect time, but you want a time that is as stress free as you can find.
3. Choose the place for a meeting carefully. Let your parent choose where to meet. Do what you can to ensure that he is comfortable and that there is privacy. Be honest about why you need to meet: that you are worried that he may not be able to keep track of the finances and that you want him to be safe with management of money. Encourage him to tell you about his concerns and fears about giving up control. Be an excellent listener. Assure your parent that you will keep him informed at all times.
4. Expect resistance and do advance planning on how you will manage it. No one wants to think of herself as being too old to do what she has always done. No one will relish the idea of having to acknowledge that she has to yield control over finances. Vulnerability is the result. If your elder pushes back at the suggestion of a meeting, let her know that you understand why she might not want to have it but that it is going to be necessary, and soon. Set a date for follow up. Don’t push too hard, but gently persist. The risk of mismanagement of finances can endanger your aging parent’s security and lead to disaster. It happens. That is why you can’t wait long to start this transition process.
Most of us are going to need help in some form as we age. Finances are an area where help may be needed soonest, as the ability to keep track of bills, investments, and transactions can overwhelm an elder who has even the earliest signs of memory loss. You might start by offering to pay the bills or set up online accounts if aging parents are still using paper statements. You can offer to review everything with your loved one or just give her a summary each month of what is going on. Any way you do it, consider your elder’s vulnerability with age and make yourself available to take protective action. Your impaired parent needs someone to watch over her and the task of getting her to accept your help is well worth your effort.
Until next time,
