Defending the Word “Microaggression”
Exploring the butterfly effect of our words and intentions
Recently, I wrote an article called Microaggression: Everything You Say Matters. I was not fully prepared for the response I got, but I found the extended comment stream engaging and highly thought-provoking. Here’s what my readers taught me: “microaggression” means different things to different people and to everyone, including me, it’s disturbing and uncomfortable. Several readers said they liked the focus of my article, but they suggested I get rid of the term “microaggression” because it was so controversial.
I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about this advice to let go of the word itself. I’ve come to the conclusion that I like the word microaggression, and I want to defend it. I think it’s original meaning is important. I like the controversy it stirs up. I like the discussion it creates. I like the way it offers us the opportunity to think hard about our role in affecting others. Most of all, I am unaware of another word that forces us into this space where we must confront ourselves and others so deeply as individuals and as a society.
Feel free to set me straight if you think there’s another word or idea that is as powerful.
What Does Microaggression Stir Up?
I’m not going to defend my initial article. It is what it is and you can read it for yourself, along with the comment stream. In short, I was trying to say that I choose to take responsibility for what I say because I understand that my words are the beginning of a butterfly effect on others. While I can’t control how others react, I can control what I say, which at least makes the effort to be respectful of their feelings and sends my conscious intent into the ether between us. I view this consciousness on my side of the communications stream as my effort to reduce microaggression.
Here’s what I heard from others about the idea of microaggression:
- The leftist University crowd has taken it too far and turned the word “microaggression” into a slur against anything they don’t like, thus rendering the word useless and offensive
- Adult up. Aggressive words (micro and macro) are good for toughening people up. Get real people, the world is a hard place and it’s not my job to make the world safe for you
- Free speech! I have the right to be microaggressive!
- I shouldn’t be held responsible for a microaggression if my intent was not aggressive
- Don’t politicize things and shut down debate by using a controversial word like “microaggression”
- Thank you for talking about this because the hurt of microaggression is real for me in my life
In my next post I plan to defend the word microaggression even more fully, but in this post I want to summarize a few key thoughts in response to the above and hope we can continue the discussion below.
University Lefties
Based on what I read, I agree that some on university campuses are using the word microaggression too liberally, and are overdoing it to the extent that they’re shutting down dialog. That said, I have empathy for their frustration with a system that can too-often talk instead of act, thus delaying meaningful action by incessant talking. I’m not taking sides on this one, merely noting that right now the “dialog” is a shouting match and that for true dialog to occur, both sides need to start listening more and talking less. However, just because some on the left may have expanded the meaning of the term microaggression beyond usefulness, I am not going to let it go. As I said above, I have yet to find a word that means what this one means at its core, and generates a meaningful dialog as a result. I’ll invite you again to set me straight if you think I’m missing something.
Adult up
I’m a parent of adult kids who have not turned to the dark side, despite living in a culture that offers them such opportunities, and living with anti-helicopter parents who allowed them to scrape some knees. I’m sure we screwed up, but so far so good on their launch into adulthood. I’m also a coach for people who get stuck, or encounter a cruel and confusing world of work. In this capacity it’s my job to help them detrigger their emotions, find their power and use it to succeed on their own terms. My coaching philosophy is that I must respect their feelings and choices, while also helping them address the reality that the world is not always fair.
In short, I’m a believer in both compassion and tough love, and I work hard to know when to offer which part of myself in ways that will do the most good. Experience has taught me that there is no single solution to every situation: sometimes you need to offer safety and sometimes you need to take it away to help another person grow. However, I’ve also learned that most people do not have enough safety, and without it, they cannot learn how to toughen up when they need to. I’ve also learned that too many people use the “you need to toughen up, snowflake,” attitude to hide the fact that their own intent is not to help others grow, but to protect themselves. Too-often they, too, need security and safety and are so unfamiliar with how it feels that they would rather take it away from others than find it for themselves.
So in the end, I choose to err on the side of offering and creating safety. I just don’t think there’s enough of it in the world.
Freedom of Speech!
Yep. It’s your right to hurt others with your words.
Intent
This one’s sticky for me, and this is the issue that I, personally, find the most uncomfortable. I am a firm believer that intent matters — a lot. I believe that our own intent is pretty much the only lever of “control” we have when it comes to steering the butterfly effect that our presence (and speech) births into the world. I teach how to use intent to help reduce stress, improve productivity, give feedback, align people and offer compelling vision to individuals and groups. I believe intent is one of our core human powers, right up there with choice, and that with such power we can change ourselves, our reality and our world.
My choice to be conscious about my own intent comes down to this thought experiment. If everyone in the world stopped having aggressive intent right now, I believe our world would be very different. Because I can glimpse how good that world would feel, I am obligated to do the work on myself that I can do to contribute my little spark of peace to it. And so I choose to do so. What you do is irrelevant to my choice, but if you choose to join me, then we will celebrate the marriage of our little sparks of peace propagating out into the world on the soft swells of butterfly wings.
I want to believe that my intent is all that matters, that if I have an intent to help someone, then they should be grateful for both my intent and my effort to help.
But I’ve learned that sometimes my intent is simply not enough. The idea that my intent is all that matters is too simple and too clean for the messiness of the world as it is.
Do you remember what happened after the election? Do you remember the safety pin movement? I jumped on that bandwagon because I was hurt and I wanted to reduce hurt in the world for people I felt were more vulnerable than I was. Then, in turn, I was hurt by the backlash from a few people of color on my feed. I’m ashamed to say I pushed back, but I’m not ashamed to say that I woke up a little bit over it and as a result have begun to evolve my own feelings on feminism.
I’m still working this through and am prepared to say I’m far from woke, but here’s where I am right now: I believe more than I did a year ago, that while I must use my intent for good, to reduce whatever ill effects I can, I must also take responsibility for those times when my intent is simply not enough.
I must strive to go beyond my intent and assertively make the effort to create space for change in the messiness of the world as it is. This means I must own my own unintended microaggressions when they are brought to my attention and I must learn from them how better to be in the messy world where what is intended as a kindness can contribute salt to a wound. I must learn to choose impact over ego.
I have a long way to go, but my intent is to travel this road as far as it will take me.
Don’t politicize things
It is not my intent to politicize things by discussing how I choose to communicate and treat others, and how I believe we can all learn to be in relationship more effectively. I am political, but I do not think political activism is my greatest gift to the world. I do believe that helping myself and others learn how to be in relationship with themselves and with each other just may be this gift I have to offer. So I will not back down from exploring it simply because in this day and age where everything is political, some people choose to receive my words that way.
Thank you
You’re welcome.
A final note, it’s about more than politics…
It’s easy for everything to be politicized these days thanks to our reality-TV-show media cycle, but when we take a step back and think about what happens in the non-political sphere when microaggressions go unaddressed, the impact comes down to very real aspects of people’s lives, from close relationships to total strangers. I’ll be exploring these more in the future, but if you’re interested in how the microaggression combines with bystanderism to affect corporate cultures and their lack of leadership diversity, read this post: Unintended Consequences Matter on my blog.
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Next up on this topic I’m working on an article with the working title “Microaggression II: Death by a Thousand Cuts.” Stay tuned if you’re of a mind and let me know what you think of the above in comments below.
