Jenna Matter with mom, Tanuya Matter, left.jpg
Perry County teen Jenna Matter, 16, tried to lose herself in her music to drown out the taunts of classmates. Eventually, her mother, Tanuya Matter, left, quit her job so her 16-year-old daughter could be schooled at home.
(Courtesy of the Matter family)
High school junior Jenna Matter knows firsthand the power that rumors carry – even when they're false.
"I really took them to heart. I started believing that what they said about me was true," said the 16-year-old Millerstown, Perry County, girl. "I'm the type of person who tries to fit in and I want everyone to like me . . . It really hurt me and I did make some decisions to self-harm."
Soon the bullying that began as the work of one boy and a group of girls at Jenna's high school became a devastating blow to the entire Matter family.
"It was a completely life-changing event. I would have never believed this could happen to my daughter. I blamed myself; what did I miss along the way?"" said her mother, Tanuya Matter, who felt compelled to quit her job to be at home with her daughter over the summer and into the following school year, when Jenna chose to be cyberschooled.
That was a blow to the family finances from which the Matters are still reeling, but for Tanuya, there was no choice: "She's my kid; nothing is more important."
Bullying a national health problem
Bullying continues to be a huge problem in schools across America, where between 20 and 28 percent of U.S. students say they have experienced bullying and 70 percent of students say they have seen bullying, according to the National Center for Education Statistics.
"In 2010, a CDC panel found that bullying among youths is a serious public health problem," said Launa Snyder, coordinator of behavioral health outpatient services at Holy Spirit Hospital, an affiliate of Geisinger. "I don't know that we think of it in those terms, but it is universal across the U.S."
The Centers for Disease Control and U.S. Department of Education this year released the first federal uniform definition of bullying – which is defined as including unwanted aggressive behavior, observed or perceived power imbalance and repetition of behaviors or high likelihood of repetition.
Teens who are bullied suffer from a host of health problems, including nausea, headaches, social withdrawal, depression, suicidal thoughts and self injury, Snyder said.
To cope with her pain, Jenna began cutting herself. If she focused on the physical pain that cutting brought, she said she forgot the pain she felt inside. Because some of the ugly remarks centered on her weight, Jenna began to make herself throw up after she ate.
Jenna told her parents – who tried to address it with the bully's parents to no avail – and school administrators, who eventually suspended the boy.
However, a group of girls in Jenna's gym class picked up where he left off, whispering about her loud enough for her to hear but not long enough for the teachers to make their way over.
"They were the prom court, the homecoming queens, very athletic, the people everyone wanted to be friends with," Jenna said. "I don't really know why they singled me out. Maybe I was an easy target. I was overweight; I wasn't athletic."
"Mean girl" phenomenon widespread
When it comes to "mean girls," Cheryl Dellasega, an expert in relational aggression and professor of medicine and humanities at Penn State College of Medicine, said the root is often girls' own social anxiety that translates into classic "girl" problems such as shifting loyalties, betraying confidences and exclusion.
"Boys get into physical fights and then they get up, go their separate ways and the next time they see each other, it's like nothing happened. With girls, it's relational, ongoing things, often with friends they then treat badly," she said. "And even those 'popular' girls are anxious about keeping their friends or keeping the right kind of friends."
A recent study from the University of Missouri found that when "mean girls" were enrolled in a 10-week pilot program that involved role playing, journaling, goal setting and counseling, their aggressive behaviors diminished. Their caregivers also underwent counseling at the same time. The study authors say their results point to hope for the problem of girl-on-girl aggression.
Dellasega said she has seen the same promising results with her after-school program for elementary and middle school-aged girls, Club Ophelia, which empowers girls to come up with their own unique plan for not becoming a "mean girl." Unlike the Missouri program, girls in Club Ophelia are not necessarily bullies but are interested in preventing "relational aggression."
"First, you have to raise awareness. Often girls don't see their behavior as having the impact it does," Dellasega said. "Our club is about nailing down a plan; when everybody starts gossiping, I'm going to just leave the group and not join in or – as one girl suggested – standing up and saying, 'We need to have positive gossip.'"
Jay Banks, author of several books on bullying and a frequent speaker in midstate schools, agrees.
"If girls can see the devastating effect their behavior has on other girls, they often become [convinced to stop]," Banks said.
Lower Dauphin High School sophomore Meghan Johnson, 15, who was in Club Ophelia at Conewago Elementary School and now volunteers as a club mentor at Nye Elementary, said she realized everyone is an aggressor at some point – "whether it's switching back and forth between friends or rolling your eyes or repeating unkind things."
"When I was in middle school, I remember thinking of the acronym we learned – THINK, which stands for 'thoughtful, helpful, inspiring, necessary, kind' – if something you're about to say or do doesn't answer yes to all of these things, it's probably not a good idea," she said.
Effects are long lasting
When Amanda Mitchell, now 24, enters a crowded room, she says she still hears the childhood taunts about her body mass ringing in her ears.
"I try not to hang out in that part of my mind, but to walk around for so many years of your life taking all those things the bullies say messes with you," the Franklin Township woman said. "Self-image and self-esteem are still dealt with on a daily basis. A lot of it is surrounding yourself with people who know the truth about you."
Mitchell, who received a criminal justice degree from Harrisburg Area Community College and works in security, said she doesn't think the standard answers given out to victims work .
"Avoid the bully? How are you going to do that when you are stuck with them for an entire day in the same classes? Find a friend? Bystanders don't want to be friends with you because they're afraid they will be the next target. Tell an adult? Many adults don't know what to do about it," she said.
Students' perception that adults at school don't do enough is widespread. The U.S. Health Resources and Services Administration reported that while 70 percent of teachers in one study believed they intervene "almost always" in bullying situations, only 25 percent of students concurred.
"Too much focus is on the target changing behavior, and finally the target goes, 'I can get to the point where I'm really angry and really depressed and I hurt a whole bunch of people' and you have school shootings, or the target says, 'The bully is right; I should just kill myself' and you have a suicide," Mitchell said.
She is convinced that victims need to be empowered to "give it right back" to the bully. "I know a lot of people would disagree with me on that, but assertiveness is different than aggression," she said, noting that she finally experienced reprieve when she stood up to one of her bullies.
Banks agreed that "a confident demeanor" lowers the chances of being singled out by a bully, but he said research shows that 75 percent of bullying problems go away if the target simply avoids the bully.
Jenna, who wants to become a school counselor because of her experience, said she thinks the answer lies in acceptance of oneself and others who are different.
"You'll never have control over what others say and do,'' Jenna said. "But you have to accept yourself and be strong enough to say to others, 'Stop trying to put me in your mold.'"