Want to save your marriage? Don’t sneak around on your spouse — sneak around with your spouse.
It’s called a date — remember those? — and it’s not simply firing up the DVD player and grabbing a beer from the fridge.
Married couples need them more than anyone, but more and more singles are complaining that “dating” nowadays means hookups via text or hangouts in large groups.
That’s why Glamour magazine has declared next Saturday to be National Date Night. So leave the house, go to dinner and maybe even take in a movie (the kind that’s shown in a theater)
“If you want to keep your marriage alive, you must, must, must make a date night once a week,” says Lyss Stern, a mother of three and CEO of DivaMoms.com. “If we didn’t make a date night, we’d be two ships passing in the night. It would all be about the kids, the kids, the kids.
“Lying in bed watching Netflix and drinking wine is not going to do it,” adds Stern, married for 13 years.
Laziness, exhaustion, burnout and changing mores are a constant problem, but the numbers a show strong demand for a least a little old-fashioned dating.
More than 30% of single women told Glamour they haven’t been on a “real” date in more than a year, and 88% of women in relationships don’t have regular date nights.
And 72% of new and expectant mothers told Bravado Designs, a nursing apparel company, that date nights are important — but only a third were actually having them.
The ones who do it wax rhapsodic about their nights out.
“There’s a great pizza spot we go to every Sunday,” Jay Z told Oprah a few years ago, referring to the Brooklyn pie shop Lucali. “There are candles. It’s a nice date.”
Celebrities like Hova and Beyoncé — and even the First Couple — get plenty of nights off, thanks to nannies and other staff members, but the rest of us are like frogs in a pot of steadily warming water. We can’t sense trouble coming.
Too many couples are worn down by longer workdays, two-wage-earner families, wireless technology that keeps them on the job 24-7, increasing reasons to stay home and today’s hyperinvolved parenting styles.
“Sustaining intimacy is probably the most challenging task a human being has in his or her lifetime,” says Jared Scherz, a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples.
So plan a regular date. It doesn’t have to be fancy, say couples who stay connected.
“It’s tricky to find the time, and there’s always the guilt factor” about leaving the kids, says Nicole Meyer, a 37-year-old mother of two and food blogger behind Nibbles by Nic who has a twice-monthly date with her spouse of 11 years, “but it’s just so important to get that time alone.”
It doesn’t take much; one or two hours out is “enough to get the recharge,” she adds.
Some people are heeding the call, establishing a date-night routine even before their love threatens to get stale.
“We have an agreement to go on a date every single week no matter what,” says newlywed Jenny Studenroth-Gerson, creator of BornToBeaBride.com. “We haven’t missed one. It’s one of the most important things we do. It gives us a chance to feel really connected.”
Single people also need a traditional, planned meetup to counter the lost intimacy and romance of the app-enabled hookup culture.
Fed up with guys who think they can just text a booty call, one Brooklyn woman set up strict rules.
“I don’t accept same-day dates or weekend dates after Wednesday,” says the 31-year-old.
If all this scheduling, sitter-finding, unplugging and seducing sounds like a lot of work, it is. But it’s worth it.
“Before you were parents,” says Stern, “you were these two great people.”
FORGET HOW TO DATE?
So it’s been years since you and your spouse have been on a real date. Here’s how to shake off the rust and reconnect:
Schedule it. Most experts recommended that couples shoot for once a week.
Turn off the cell phone. The only person you want to talk to is right in front of you.
Do not vent about the mundane stuff. “If you’re talking about the kids or their bills, it’s not a date,” says Lisa Brateman, a New York-based psychotherapist and relationship specialist. “Those issues are still going to be there on Monday.”
Spruce yourself up. “Show a little cleavage, and it’s a home run,” laughs Lyss Stern of DivaMoms.com. “He should dress up for you, too.”
DATE-NIGHT SPECIALS
Glamour magazine has set up Glamour Date Night specials around the country:
1. Dinner for $30 or less at the Meatball Shop
2. Free s’mores at Cosi sandwich shops when you order two entrees (you must mention Glamour Date Night).
3. A free month’s membership on HowAboutWe.com , a dating site.
4. Twenty percent off on date-night clothes at Piperlime through glamour.com/date-night.
5. A free Mai Tai Spritzer sea-salt spray for sexy beach hair at any Drybar (with purchase of a Morning After Kit).
