Robert Reece has found that ignoring the Man Code has improved his life enormously.
Not only does traditional masculinity oppress women but it also severely restricts the agency of men (a topic, I’ve written about in the past in the context of straight man love and hip-hop), often in simple, taken-for-granted ways. Straight men go to extreme lengths to perform masculinity. They avoid a wide variety of activities that they arbitrarily deem feminine or “gay” without analyzing the detrimental effects of this type of gender policing. Often mundane, seemingly inconsequential activities are heavily policed, inhibiting men’s ability to live freely day-to-day. While it’s also important to show men the macro level benefits of feminism and disavowing traditional masculinity, I thought it would be fun to reveal the little ways that my life changed when I stopped trying to perform traditional, patriarchal masculinity. So here it is: the 5 MOST Mundane Ways Disavowing Masculinity Changed My Life.
5) I Admit When I’m Sad
Sadness is weak; it’s feminine. Men rarely admit when they’re sad or depressed because men are supposed to be strong and unemotional. Deciding not to avoid traditional masculinity allows me to admit when I’m sad and seek support and help. I’m not left to deal with my problems alone. I also recognize the healing properties of crying so I even cry occasionally (and not just about sports or death).
4) I Can Touch Other Men
The ways straight men are allowed to touch other men are very limited, often only to handshakes, man-hugs (which are already restrained), and violent expressions (eg. sports, wrestling, etc). Inadvertently touching another man is strictly forbidden so measures must be taken to avoid this: men must be careful when handing a man something lest their hands touch, skip a seat in the movie theater to avoid touching knees, and scrunch up in the back seat of a car so they don’t accidentally rub against one another. It’s all so unnecessarily stressful and homophobic, and I’d rather avoid the whole performance. If we happen to touch, so be it.
3) I Wear Women’s Clothing Accessories
Men’s fashion can be narrow, especially when on a budget, and as someone who enjoys fashion, I’ve found that one way to push the boundaries of color and patterns is to shop in the women’s section for accessories. Women’s scarves and pins are infinitely more diverse than men’s which often only come in black, greys, browns, and dark blues. To find an orange or blue that pops or a nice green and black pattern, the women’s section is the place to be. Unfortunately, my feet are too big to wear women’s shoes because I could certainly go for some inexpensive colorful loafers as well.
2) I Can Admit Another Man Is Attractive
I can’t count the times I’ve heard a man defiantly declare “All men are ugly to me!” in response to being asked whether he thought another man was attractive. Liar. Apparently, straight men think that finding another man attractive is akin to a desire to have sex with him, i.e. admitting that a man looks nice is gay. But we all find a wide variety of people (of any sex or gender) to be attractive and sometimes we seek to express it so I’ve noticed men use an assortment of semantic moves to maintain their masculine performance while complimenting the looks of another man: 1) they’ll compliment his clothes and focus on his clothes, carefully avoiding his general attractiveness, e.g. “I like that suit” as opposed to “You look nice tonight;” 2) they’ll give a backhanded compliment, e.g. “So you think you clean today, huh?” or pair a compliment with a feigned insult such as, “I like that suit, but you’re still ugly;” 3) they simply preface or conclude their compliment with a reminder that they are straight, e.g. “I don’t wanna fuck him or nothing but Johnny Depp looks good in Pirates of the Caribbean” or the infamous and endlessly homophobic “No homo.” I lack the time for this. If I think I’m an attractive man and expect to be told so, I see no reason to deny other men a similar compliment.
1) I Sit Down to Pee
Honestly, I suspect that many more do this than will admit it. Perhaps since it can be done privately, actually performing the act isn’t as important as admitting it, which few men do. But outside of public restrooms and urgent situations, I’ve never seen the allure of standing to pee. The appeal of it seems to be primarily based on its association with masculinity, but I’d much rather sit. Sitting is more comfortable and much neater, no risk of peeing on the seat or floor or dropping something in the toilet.
♦◊♦
Discarding these seemingly small things also create healthier men who aren’t as stressed by the daily minutia of masculine performance. And though I call these things mundane, they are part of the gendering process that maintains our system of patriarchal stratification, and adopting these simple acts of subversion can go a long way towards dismantling the notion of “real manhood” and with it the idea that men should dominate women.
Read more Lists on The Good Life.
Image credit: mattjiggins/Flickr
Well, I guess each man must decide for himself what of masculinity he will embrace and what he will reject—as fits his individual nature. Aside from the dubious assumption that masculinity “oppresses women,” the article did not offend me. That said, here’s my take: 50 years ago Betty Freidan described the Feminine Mystique only in the worst ways. To be feminine was to be a “victim” and there an end to it. But, as I figure it, there is an essential duality to all things and that duality makes characterizing something as fundamental as femininity in purely negative terms, imbalanced… Read more »
I am laughing at these comments. Everyone missed the point. This is satire against the castration of men in today’s society. It is mocking those who are trying to change us from what nature made us. Come on. Wear women’s fashion accessories? Touch other men? You think this is real? We are men, we are who we are, we shouldn’t apologize or change for that. It is just nature. Compare this to the women’s complaints of how fashion magazines give an unfair standard for how women should look. This is the same thing. Society is trying to recreate us into… Read more »
Millions of years of evolution, reflected in all species, have brought us alpha males and beta males. Alpha males are males in their species with a greater chance of survival and procreation. They are usually pack leaders or strong members of the pack that provide security and food for the entire pack. Beta males, if they survive past infancy, contribute little to the pack. They lack hunting ability or are too weak to hunt. They rarely have a chance to procreate. More often than not, beta males and the animal too slow to keep up with the herd and are… Read more »
You lost me with 3 and 1.
P4 of 4 common ‘trad femininity’ enforcement experiences in men: Mark Neilsays:December 22, 2012 at 11:41 am As the man speaking to Brene Brown mentioned, it is my experience that women are the brutal ones regarding enforcing the vulnerable male = weak mindset. Examining the relationships of my friends parents, and other similar elders, as well as older TV shows and movies, you will see that men expressing emotion, being vulnerable, has it’s place. Yes, men are expected to hold it in at certain times, but vulnerability has always been accepted in the right times for the right reasons… among… Read more »
p3 of 4 the young prodomme has a very limited understanding about the world of crossdressing men. That is clear to me from her language, from how she speaks on it. She is a fetishist, her frame of reference for crossdressing is mainly through fetish due to her work and sexual practice, which has skewed her understanding. When directly addressing my crossdressing post. Observe, how her first sentence associates crossdressing with fetish – certainly raised my eyes. ‘I used to beg my first boyfriend to dress up in a school girl outfit for me, plead with him to get him… Read more »
P2 of 4 Further, what the pro domme doesnt know as shes not part of the xdressing community is actually a prejudice against the fetishers she’s described and are her clients, and also against men who dont go ‘enfemme’ (to look as much like as woman as possible). Personally how I perceive the hierarchy, plus or minus points awarded to passing as a woman, and also whether one goes out in public ‘dressed’: At the bttm, Div4: men who just wear women underpants, they are seen as fetishers or not really trying to ‘dress’. Also men who are mainly fetishers… Read more »
reason no. 14:
i did not separate feeling desireable from beautifying themselves.
can beautify to just look beautiful.
or can beautify to become more desireable
reason 15. drag. drag of course is a theatrical role
P1 of 4 [apologies to the mods for the very very long post. it is too long then pls just part 1 and 2. i will post a link to the rest on my blog] I say again that on male crossdressing forums the consensus of many many different men, who wear ‘women’s clothing’ for different reasons is that wearing ‘women’s clothing’ greatly reduces a mans chances of finding a woman partner. That is the counsel given to men when they post asking what are the chances of finding a woman partner. And it is not uncommon to read of… Read more »
Oh yes, more pressing concerns of the warm and well-fed. How fortuitous that we don’t actually have to fight for survival against a determined enemy….for now. This good fortune allows us ample time for so-called “men” to think of further ways to debase themselves and to grovel before the “feminist”.
Well done.
PS I like Bowie. He’s hot, and plenty macho enough to suit me. So probably a bad example.
plus theres a reason comedians do jokes about the number of model hot women in their 20s with retired lowincome men in their 70/80s.
bowie like the other names listed, is a star, a powerful man. a man of resources
Nearly everyone is attracted to women. Research has shown this. That’s why women are frequently attracted to David Bowie. He uses feminine markers. That’s why many, many women identify as “bi” while carrying no particular genetic propensities toward lesbianism. I’m willing to bet that a sizable percentage of lesbians have no genes that incline them this way, too. We all just love women, and many of want to have sex with them. I’m in the generation that came after Hemingway and Mailer, so we weren’t so reaction formation-extreme about it as they were. But, as men, we had steady heroes–… Read more »
Below is the one good reason why sitting down is a good thing…it does not mention the breaking down of masculinity as a side benefit though….
“The Environmental Protection Agency in Taiwan carried out 100,000 inspections of public toilets and found that standing up causes urine splatter and a bad smell, which prompted this debate. Sitting could improve hygiene and ensure that men don’t step through puddles of pee.”
As a woman (oh, here we go) and self-identified feminist I have to be bluntly honest and say: if I ever found out that the man I am dating sits to urinate, I would automatically doubt his ability to properly dominate(!) me in the bedroom. It’s simply not attractive and I don’t care what anybody else says. The only exceptions would be if he’s extremely drunk or has a physical condition. Would I say this in a social context? No. As a matter of fact I would applaud the author for his “courage” in defying conventional masculinity and so on.… Read more »
You seriously care about how your partner pees? And you use the term whipped? You’re no feminist and I have my doubts about whether you’re a woman too… and even if you are anyone who thinks how their partner pees is a weirdo in my opinion. As long as they’re not hoarding their bottled urine I’m happy.
Do you not realize what you’re doing? You don’t, do you? Just because I have a different perspective from yours you automatically deny my identity as a feminist and, worse, as as woman!? Google “No True Scotsman Fallacy” because I’m 200% sure you don’t know what it is. Either that or you’re intellectually dishonest – I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, though. “You’re no feminist”. LOL. Are you freaking serious right now?! Who are you to decide who’s a feminist and who’s not? If you like YOUR men sitting down to urinate, that’s YOUR choice and I respect… Read more »
I can sympathise with where this article is coming from. I was a skinny geek growing up, so I’ve internalised a fair share of eye-rolling at what I’m supposed to do/want in order to be sufficiently “manly”. I don’t have a problem with those things themselves, I just hate when any subset of a group tries to enforce their preferences. If people like stereotypically manly things because they enjoy them – great – just don’t expect me to like them either. That said, I think there can be a bit of a backlash against stereotypically manly men who are just… Read more »
I liked this. Not sure why people are jumping up and down over it, but it was a good read 🙂
Take a look at the gener of the negative commenters, compare to your own, and then see if there may be a reason you are not as offended by this article as some of the others. Shouldn’t take you more than 5 minutes. Seriously though I can only talk from my perspective and as a man reading a site aimed at men I find blanket arguments on who I am and how I should act quite hard to take. As is popular around here these days, try recasting this article as “How disavowing femininity changed my life” it may well… Read more »
As a straight man, seriously I cannot understand why its so difficult for many men to find another men attractive. Finding another men handsome, cute, attractive doesn’t mean you wanna bang them or sexually attracted to them. Seriously, David Beckham? Hugh Jackman? Daniel Day Lewis? Marlon Brando? And not just celebrities, I can found thousand of attractive regular guys out there, without having sexual attraction at all. And I love saying ” you’re handsome” , “you’re cute” to my friends. And none of them seems annoyed, instead they are flattered.
Another weak beta male with a Phd in soft science..just what society needs!.
I imagine your Nancy Drew lunchbox will rust out from all the secret tears you weep into it.
Or, a former football player and streetfighter, who decided to not be defined by aggression. But, your description works too.
Which part of standing while you pee is a sign of aggression? It’s not like I make intimidating eye-contact while I drain my lizard. The same goes for your other four points.
It’s hard to reject or disavow something like “masculinity” that’s a moving target and blurry even when it’s standing still. Maybe certain aspects that people associate with particular subcultural stereotypes of a certain time and place, but you can’t really give up all masculinity, because it’s not something with universal or discreet definitions. It’s probably logically impossible for anyone of any gender to have absolutely no masculinity. This is “traditional masculinity” as evident in society ____, in time period ____ and among culture ____. (This is mostly in reaction to the title, but also to the concuding paragraph.)
I don’t need anyone to tell me how to a man, and my maleness is only a vast range of factor I take into account when evaluating myself. You are taking the stereotypical female as the acceptable norm then evaluating men relative to that. Your basic premise is thin as is the rest of your article. I am not sure there is even such a thing as ‘traditional masculinity’, it is a cliché. Your comment on sitting down for a pee is utterly absurd. Frankly the whole piece read like declaration of group membership of some metro-sexual subculture or another.… Read more »
“Listen carefully, you have a list of things women really really dislike in men.”
lol bullshit, women love this kind of men
As a friend maybe, as a romantic partner…. no so much…….Men perform masculinity for the approval and acceptance of women.
Zimba, I’m with you on this one. It seems that at every turn, someone somewhere is criticizing men for doing something or NOT doing something. I don’t feel inhibited, I am who I am and have no problem being who I am. Flashy bright clothes is nothing new. Nero jackets were popular back in my day. How about the flower child clothes? Psychedelic colors …. Hell, even some cars were painted with them. Fast forward a couple of years to the “Disco” scene …. All this crap about expanding manhood is a crock. Men have given into fad for years… Read more »
I wonder, is the article good, because I stopped reading after this.
“Not only does traditional masculinity oppress women”
Women are not oppressed in western society, a woman can do anything a man can do, both legally and in reality. When they make a choice to NOT do something, this isn’t because some man or masculinity is oppressing her, it is because she is making a choice. I really wish people would stop treating women like little kids who have to blame everything on someone else.
#5 – I admit to my friends when I’m bummed or sad. They listen and I do open up to my partner otherwise it’s nobody’s business how I’m feeling. #4 – I don’t touch other men for the same reasons I don’t touch other women. Most people don’t like having their personal space invaded. I’d hug all the time but not everyone is into it. #3 – I wore earrings ,necklaces, cowboy boots with a tall slanted heal, and my daughter uses my black nail polish. I was in a BAND! Not good to wear at the office. #2 –… Read more »
David …. Not too long ago someone did invent a device that would allow women to stand and pee.
If you let me do whatever I want with my masculinity, I’ll extend you the same courtesy. Beyond that, I have nothing to say about your “list”.
Pretty much what I came in to say. If you don’t want to be a manly man, thats cool. I’m not exactly a buffet of manliness myself.
However, this sounds strangely in tune with a common theme here and among certain woman centric groups that masculinity is a bad thing, the root of rape and violence, etc. Which as we all should know by now is a steaming crock.
Certainly not three and one. And being male does not mean that you should be light in the loafers necessarily. I think the testosterone is there for some good reasons. At my age, as well, sitting down while peeing means that the bladder does not evacuate fully.
1- when I sit on a toilet my scrotum gets soggy, if I squat outside I risk poison ivy, my hips don’t move well enough to write my name in the snow unless I’m standing. And my blog would be lacking it’s catchy name.
2- no problem for me
3- uh no… But then argyle is my favorite color
4- hell I kiss other men regularly- guess it’s partially an ethnic thing.
5- not as often as I’d like.
They (str8 men)avoid a wide variety of activities that they arbitrarily deem feminine or “gay” without analyzing the detrimental effects of this type of gender policing. not arbitrary. how couldyou miss that most str8 women’s groins go drier than the sahara, if a man does a ‘firmly femme’ thing. Unfortunately, my feet are too big to wear women’s shoes you can buy women’s shoes in sizes for men online, sometimes twice or thrice as much. in maturity women have larger waists than men from what ive seen so skirts are no problem for men. dresses and top might be though,… Read more »
The appeal of it seems to be primarily based on its association with masculinity…
not for me, personally i find it more convenient to pee standing up
not arbitrary. how couldyou miss that most str8 women’s groins go drier than the sahara, if a man does a ‘firmly femme’ thing. This is a good point. We talk a lot about how men enforce the “man code” on each other, but theres less talk about how women enforce it on men. Even some of the most independent, self proclaimed feminists women I know will still talk about how they want men to “act like men”. Some women try to get around this by saying they want a man with “confidence”, but thats often just code for “a man… Read more »
Why is it SO many men think women find femme-y dudes, unattractive? David Bowie was a heart throb, so was Brett Michaels. Everyone thinks Justin Bieber looks like a girl… and he seems to have a lot of female fans, and then there’s yaoi (gay porn for women, which you will find a LOT of women are into. Women write lasciviously of Kirk and Spock going at it. Personally I like girly men, makeup, long pretty hair, bitchy and flamboyant and artsy. I like a man who’s confident enough to wear heels and I sure as hell am not the… Read more »
I’m going purely off personal experience here, but I’ve found that while a lot of women will fawn over singers and actors who are not traditionally masculine, they don’t necessarily have the same taste when it comes to the men they meet in everyday life.
Of course women have varying taste just like men do (I’ve especially found this to be true with women who are into counter-culture), but I think its worth noting that women often enforce the so-called “guy code” on men just as strictly as they do on each other.
i spoke about women’s clothing, because i am a bi(masc, top) crossdresser. on crossdressing forums, straight male crossdressers report great difficulty finding female partners, or acceptance from female partners. that is the consensus view ive seen expresssed by those who are organisers in my community – no problem for me to find a male partner. none at all. there are alot more men who want to be sahd’s, or sahp’s than women who will marry them. what you write does not accord with what men who do firmly femme things report. why would these men reading believe you over the… Read more »
I used to beg my first boyfriend to dress up in a school girl outfit for me, plead with him to get him into dresses. (he did it sometimes but was very withholding about it). My husband takes great pleasure in being pretty, and wears dresses and I’m happy as a clam. Admittedly he’s not a crossdresser in the traditional sense (no falsies, no wigs… just his own gorgeous mane of long blonde hair). I think basically you have to commit to it and look good doing it. I see a lot of crossdressers in my line of work and… Read more »
Basically it’s also that crossdressers (the kind who enjoy transvestism fetishistically in private) usually aren’t femme enough in public for the girls who like girly guys, glam rock dudes in heels, goth boys in dresses, these men have NO problem getting girls. If crossdressing is a private hobby/not part of a guy’s every day attire, he’s too part time for me.
Eyeliner on a regular basis and long pretty hair are mandatory for me.
My husband takes great pleasure in being pretty, and wears dresses and I’m happy as a clam does he wears them out the house too. i too dont go enfemme. i find trousers and skirt people can just about tolerate. but skirt and leggings or tights, thats when the fun starts. I see a lot of crossdressers in my line of work and most are HORRIBLE with makeup and have the world’s worst fashion sense. what of type of women’s clothing are your clients wearing. sissy dresses, pvc fetishwear? perhaps you are only seeing a particular type of crossdresser, who… Read more »
Basically it’s also that crossdressers (the kind who enjoy transvestism fetishistically in private) usually aren’t femme enough in public for the girls who like girly guys, glam rock dudes in heels, goth boys in dresses, these men have NO problem getting girls.
men are just more openminded. those same men who arent ‘femme enough’, if they are into men, could find a man the same night.
ive seen profile of men like youve described, and they report having a most active sex with men
…I certainly don’t regard men who aren’t as strong as me to be sissies, however I do happen to be very physically small and have a condition that makes it especially difficult to build muscle mass, so basically it’s nice to have someone who can help me with things that I can’t do due to physical issues, man or woman. I don’t think that dominance and masculinity are connected anymore than skirts and femininity are connected (however a man in a skirt is going to be viewed as effeminate by society). Trying to erase things that belong to femme identity… Read more »
Oh and yes, darling husband goes out in dresses and heels.
I’m not saying it doesn’t suck that femme men are held to “prettiness” standards (in much the same way women are) but they are, so basically, yeah women like femme men, but the women who like femme men tend to have prettiness standards for those men.
As for subcultures, there are a whole lot of artsy ladies out there, it’s not a microcosm at all.
Admittedly he’s not a crossdresser in the traditional sense (no falsies, no wigs… just his own gorgeous mane of long blonde hair)
i also question the degree of yr understanding of the crossdressing world. as here you did not use the term well known to dressers, ‘en femme’
I find the term “en femme” essentialist and nasty so I refuse to use it.
Hmm… how to put this… you’re full of sh**.
I think you’re making a mistake by only focusing on the appearance aspect. Women are a lot more liberal towards men’s appearance than men’s behavior. If you’d been able to pass as a man and seen the look a women gives you if, when shaking her hand you wait for her to introduce herself first maybe you’d understand. Also it’s not such a good idea to look at celebrity heartthrobs, people are looking for relationships, not to be admired from a distance, and women’s tastes might differ from one to the other. But I admit that if you only look… Read more »
But I admit that if you only look at appearance Jameseq statement isn’t really true
then where are these men who are dressed as women, or like women. women can look like men or women