Any time a drunk moron is sloshing a bottle of Bud Lite around while gesticulating wildly at a karaoke bar, s/he is probably doing so because they’re five minutes into a diatribe that goes something like this:

Meat Loaf is like, he’s like, he’d do ANYTHING for love, anything. He’d run right into hell and back, he’d probably stop at White Castle on the way over and grab you some sliders, he’s like SUPER into love. But he’s like, he’s like, I won’t do that. WHAT IS THAT, MEAT LOAF?! WHAT WON’T YOU DO FOR LOVE?!? HAHAHAHAaaaaaaaaaah*burp*

And then, if there’s any justice in the universe (there isn’t), they would slowly slide off their stool, topple onto the ground, and just stay curled up there until bar close. Because while it’s true that Meat Loaf sort of beats the “I would do anything for love” horse well past its expiration, he’s also pretty explicit about what he won’t do for love, too. You just have to listen to the lyrics. Or don’t, actually, because once you do you realize Meat Loaf’s argument is a) tautological and completely inane, and b) slimy as hell. Let’s break this down:

And I would do anything for love

I’d run right into hell and back

I would do anything for love

I’d never lie to you and that’s a fact

The English teacher in me wants to chuck a dry erase marker at his face for starting a sentence with a conjunction. I’m equally incensed that the second thing in his list of things he would do for love is actually a negative.

“I would do anything for love,” Meat Loaf says, his long locks blowing in the breeze as he looks deep into your eyes. “And among the things I would do is definitely not ever lie to you.”

“Wait, so you wouldn’t not lie?”

“No, that’s a double negative. I’m saying I would never lie.”

“So, lying is something you would NOT do for love.”

“Well yeah, but I mean, I haven’t gotten to that part of the verse yet, so NOT lying is something I would do for love. It’s something I’m doing right now. For the purposes of loving. I love you, is my point. And that’s a fact.”

As the song continues to paint for us the glorious tableau that is getting wooed by Meat Loaf, presumably on a mountaintop or in the back seat of his 1975 Chrysler Cordoba (on the assumption that Paradise By the Dashboard Light and I’d Do Anything For Love are canon in the continuum that spans Bat out of Hell I and II), we suddenly realize he’s touching her. Eew. Stop it. And here we have reached part 1 in the 4 part series: Things Meat Loaf Won’t Do For Love (Creeper Edition).

But I’ll never forget the way you feel right now,

Oh no, no way

And I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that

No, I won’t do that

(This is how he’s touching you.)

How exactly do I feel right now, Meats? What are some adjectives you’d use to describe this sensory experience you’re apparently so inclined to keep etched on your brain for all eternity? Would you describe me as, I don’t know, “fleshy”? “tender”? “ripe”? If any of your adjectives are also words I would use when talking about a steak dinner, I’m gonna go ahead and nope outta this back seat and call you never.

But ok ok ok, maybe it’s a nice sentiment. Of all the things Meat Loaf would do for love, which apparently includes everything from getting a root canal to slowly sawing off his own foot, one of the things he WON’T do is forget how your bodacious bod feels right at this moment. I guess that’s sweet or something. But let’s move on.

Some days it don’t come easy

Some days it don’t come hard

Some days it don’t come at all, and these are the days that never end

Some nights you’re breathing fire

Some nights you’re carved in ice

Some nights you’re like nothing I’ve ever seen before or will again

Mr. Loaf clearly doesn’t think loving you is a cakewalk, missy. Read all the icky innuendo you want into the idea of it “coming,” what he’s really trying to say is…nah, nevermind. I was gonna interpret something about the difficulties of committed relationships and not seeing eye to eye, but there’s no way the man who wrote the lyric “‘cause we were barely seventeen and we were barely dressed” meant anything other than a six-line ejaculation joke with this one.

M. Loaf really doubles down on his commitment to do LITERALLY anything for love by invoking the cosmos itself.

As long as the planets are turning

As long as the stars are burning

As long dreams are coming true

You’d better believe it

We get it. Not even the heat death of the universe could curb your love. If the sun went supernova tomorrow, engulfed planet earth, killed all lifeforms on it in a fiery detonation of monumental proportions, and left the charred husk of the planet a burning lifeless hellscape, Meat Loaf would have hopped the last ship out of orbit and – denying all known laws of space, time, and general and special relativity – zoomed well past the speed of light into the neighboring galaxy cluster and carried on alone in the darkness of space just so he could continue to love. (His is a devotion far beyond that of Kevin Cronin, who merely denies himself sleep in order to keep on lovin’ you. Jesus Cronin, it’s like you don’t even CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL.)

Where was I. Oh right, so here’s where it becomes clear that this entire song, perhaps even this entire album, was one huge ploy to get Meat Loaf laid.

You’d better believe it, that I would do

Anything for love

And I’ll be there until the final act

I would do anything for love, and I’ll take a vow and seal a pact

But I’ll never forgive myself if we don’t go all the way, tonight

I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that

No, I won’t do that

Displaying a level of poetic acuity any fifteen year old boy would envy, Meat Loaf would never forgive himself if he didn’t boink you like pronto. Right now. Yeah yeah yeah I meant what I said I would do anything for love blah blah blah pacts and seals and outer space and you got fantasies? I’ll cater to ‘em. You sick of boring? I’ll un-borify whatever. You sick of this god forsaken town? Pshh me too, let’s blow this popcicle stand. Just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WILL YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME BEFORE THE SUN RISES. I AM LIKE A SEX GREMLIN EXCEPT IF I DON’T GET FED AFTER MIDNIGHT I TURN INTO A HORRIBLE MONSTER. THIS IS REALLY FOR YOUR OWN GOOD YOU KNOW.

(Perhaps a monster just like this one.)

Oooooh, Meats. Meats meats meats. Honey, bubby, you wacky meshuga. Let me get this straight. Of all the things you’d do for love, forgiving yourself for not having sex tonight isn’t one of them? Am I, like, integral to this equation? Or could you sex anybody and still leave your (questionable) moral integrity intact? I’m honestly having trouble parsing the syntax of “I would do anything for love except forgive myself for not having sex with you.” My head hurts.

It gets structurally worse.

I would do anything for love, and there’ll never be no turning back

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you. So long, so long

I would do anything for love

So first of all fuck you and your double negative. Looks like you’re gonna be doin’ aaaaaaaall SORTS of turnin’ back, Meat Loaf, because there’ll never be NO turnin’ back, right?! BAM! You just got ENGLISHED! In your FACE! And apparently, for the sake of love, Meat Loaf also promises to never improve upon his sexual performance for any future potential partners. You own full rights to The Very Best of Gettin’ It On With Meat Loaf: Volumes 1 and 2. He could do it better, the ability is there, but he won’t. He refuses. It’s not happening. For love.

He’ll also, for what it’s worth, never stop dreaming of you every night of his life, no way. But given the ludicrousness of every claim Meat Loaf made prior to that, I think it’s probably safe to take that one with a grain of salt. But take comfort, Woman in Song. I know you have your concerns:

I know the territory, I’ve been around

It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around

Nope, wrong. YOU ARE SO WRONG HAHA YOU DUMMY. Meat Loaf also won’t do that. So…good news! You get all of his clingy sex-crazed metaphor-abusing lunacy to yourself! Forever! HOORAY!

–Katie Sisneros actually has mad love for Meat Loaf.