In the course of helping teams achieve peak performance, I've noticed an interesting phenomenon. Leaders who have given the most of themselves to their teams have received the most from members in terms of performance and effort. Mutual giving brings a higher level of engagement and learning, which means that giving yields an exponential degree of receiving. There is a powerful psychological principle at work here that underlies the psychology of giving. When we experience ourselves as givers, we receive a deep and enduring affirmation of our value to others. In transcending the self, we obtain the most profound experience of self.
This lesson was driven home for me after my wife and I adopted Sofie, an abandoned, diseased kitten in Brooklyn. Her initial reaction to people was a threatened one, hissing and retreating to the back of her cage. Gradually she learned to interact with others: first another cat, then rescue workers. By the time we brought her home, she was a purr machine. But here is where the story became interesting. Sofie responded to petting and playing with long, loving looks. Each morning she leaped onto my lap, took my face between her paws, looked into my eyes, purred, and nuzzled my chin. It was an eerily human communication that drew from me a heartfelt sense of love and connection. Those of us who are parents recognize this phenomenon when we have bonded with our young children. In giving love and care, we experience heightened levels of love and caring that spill over to daily life.
This makes sense if we think of our daily activities as forms of exercise. Each undertaking exercises one or more character traits--for the better or for the worse. In the spirit of "use it or lose it", we build the traits that we exercise and express. When we fail to actualize traits, these atrophy. Over time, that means we can become more or less giving, more or less loving, more or less engaged with the well-being of others. Our daily activities in the gymnasium of life can strengthen our best inclinations or our worst ones. Unwittingly, when we set our daily calendar, we lay a blueprint for our development. What we do shapes who we become. When we give and give and give, we experience ourselves as special. In receiving those loving looks and paws on the face, we in turn find the muscles of generosity strengthened, allowing us to engage the rest of life with our best inclinations.
At this holiday time, we hear of many in need of support. We hear of genocide among the Rohingya people. Closer to home, we learn of Californians who are homeless following raging fires. We can use social media to vilify others and express our gripes, activating our worst character traits. Or we can use our online participation to highlight worthy causes, channel our giving, offer our own loving looks for the good fortune we've received, and become ever more active contributors to our life's teams at home, in our communities, and in the world. There are many ways to give, with impact and accountability. Whether it's with a kitten at home or a worldwide cause, making a difference makes an important psychological difference in our lives.
