Ask Molly Ringwald: do I accept my richer friends' hospitality?

When I was asked to write an advice column, I was confused. Why me? I am not a therapist; I've never even played one on TV. Most of you know me as an actor. Some of you may have read my books (I've written a couple) and a select few of you may have heard me sing jazz. (If you've done all three, bless you. If I could, I would knit you a tea cosy.)

That's the other thing, I'm American. I drink coffee rather than tea, which is only one of the ways in which we are different. Yes, we speak the same language, but in other ways we don't at all. Once, the actor Robert Lindsay, with whom I acted in a film, thought he was complimenting my sister by saying she had a "homely" face. I thought he was calling her ugly and was furious, until everyone on set convinced me otherwise.

Half the time, in my own life, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. I make mistakes. Big ones. But I muddle through the best I can and try better the next time. Many of your struggles mirror my own, and the advice I will offer will be what I could have used myself. I've been told, on occasion, that I'm not always the best at taking advice, which is what really makes me the most qualified; I'm great at giving it.

Dear Molly,
My circle of friends is generally wealthier than me (I'm a single teacher; they're not). They're all going on holiday, and have offered to pay for me. I don't feel comfortable accepting, but I hate the idea of being stuck at home. Is it a bad idea to go?

Dear Teacher,
There is no free lunch, nor is there a free expensive holiday. In fact, there is no free anything. While there is nothing inherently wrong with accepting your friends' hospitality, don't kid yourself: there is a cost. Whether it's feeling obliged to be entertaining the entire time, or being expected always to "volunteer" to clean up, or just having to come up with sufficient displays of gratitude – it's hard to say what the expectation is without knowing your friends. It's also hard to say whether the emotional cost will outweigh your enjoyment of the holiday.

Another thing to keep in mind is that group vacations can be surprisingly stressful, even when everyone is paying their share. Throwing together, in an unknown place, a bunch of people who then have to negotiate all their meals and activities and travel can cause friendships to disintegrate (although it can make for compelling reality TV).

Your discomfort is a big warning to think carefully before accepting. There will naturally be an imbalance of power, and this will continue after the holiday has ended. Only you can know what is more valuable: your equality within the social circle or a week by the beach sipping frozen cocktails.