• When you are reading your toddler a book about bunnies and she points at you and says, “Hop! Hop!” she’s not being bossy. She’s being a woman who leads.
• When, after a thunderstorm passes, your daughter points out the window and demands “more” rain, she’s not indicating a poor understanding of weather-system function. She’s envisioning a world where her startup’s innovative tech solutions render drought obsolete.
• When your daughter pulls Chairman Meow’s tail and you say, “No, sweetie. We love kitty. We treat kitty gently,” and your daughter looks you in the eye, cackles gleefully, and bends over to yank the cat’s tail, she’s not flaunting the hollowness of your parental authority. She’s leaning in.
• When your daughter walks up to you and points to her mouth, which is filled with tiny rocks, she’s not acting out to get your attention. She’s championing a paradigm shift in how gravel is conceptualized.
• When your daughter texts “ZBBDDYYYYLFFFF” to all of your contacts then flushes your cell phone down the toilet, she’s not disrespecting your personal property. She’s appropriating the communication channels necessary to initiate an innovative branding campaign.
• When your toddler bites your arm flab, she’s not being feral. She’s encouraging you to empower yourself by doing push-ups until you have Michelle Obama-style toned arms and, along with them, Michelle Obama-style confidence, style, and leadership skills.
• When you are pet-sitting your brother’s girlfriend’s rabbit, Attila the Bun, and you ask your brother, “How mad will your girlfriend be, on a scale of 1-10, if Chairman Meow eats her bunny?” and he says, “Pretty mad,” and then, for the rest of the week, your daughter points at the cat, then points at the bunny, and says, “Eat! Eat!” she’s not demonstrating a disturbing degree of bloodlust. She’s simply showing her readiness to jump into the dog-eat-dog world of corporate finance.
• When your daughter spits a half-chewed raisin into your hand, points at your mouth, and says, “Mama, eat!” she’s not indicating a dictatorial need for you to act out your subservience. She’s conserving corporate resources with an eye toward the bottom line.
• When your daughter responds to your denial of a cookie request by pooping in the tub, and then you put your face in your hands because you’re tired, so tired, and it’s only 10 A.M., and you wrap your daughter in a towel, hand her a cookie, and lie facedown on the carpet, you haven’t failed as a parent. Your daughter has simply succeeded in the kind of scorched-earth negotiation tactics that will one day garner her the salary that she deserves.
• When you’re at the grocery store, balancing your daughter on one hip while you attempt to read the ingredients on a box of granola, and she sticks her hand down your shirt, pulls out your boob, and begins nursing in the middle of aisle fourteen, she’s not demonstrating an inappropriate grasp of personal boundaries. She’s telling you that it’s time to hire a babysitter and go back to work.
