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Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
This informative guide helps you identify and heal from childhood emotional neglect so you can be more connected and emotionally present in your life. Do you sometimes feel like you’re just going through the motions in life? Do you often act like you’re fine when you secretly feel lonely and disconnected? Perhaps you have a good life and yet somehow it’s not enough to make you happy. Or perhaps you drink too much, eat too much, or risk too much in an attempt to feel something good. If so, you are not alone―and you may be suffering from emotional neglect. A practicing psychologist for more than twenty years, Jonice Webb has successfully treated numerous patients who come to her believing that something is missing inside them. While many self-help books deal with what happened to you as a child, in Running on Empty, Webb addresses the things that may not have happened for you. What goes unsaid―or what cannot be remembered―can have profound consequences that may be affecting you to this day. Running on Empty will help you understand your experiences and give you clear strategies for healing. It also includes a special chapter for mental health professionals.
227 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2012
About the author
Jonice Webb
6 books213 followersJonice Webb, PhD is a licensed psychologist, blogger and best-selling author of two books. Recognized worldwide as the pioneer of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Dr. Webb created Fuel Up For Life, the first and only online CEN Recovery Program. She has been interviewed about Childhood Emotional Neglect on NPR and many radio shows and podcasts. Her work has appeared in CNBC.com, Psychology Today, Psychcentral.com, The Chicago Tribune and The Elephant Journal. Visit her website: www.EmotionalNeglect.com.
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September 27, 2017
First a word of caution. The Questionnaire and the concept of Childhood Emotional Neglect have not been validated through scientific research. There are no articles (so far) in the psychological literature. The author mentions this in the book. This might be because Childhood Emotional Neglect is SUBclinical, i.e. it may not manifest as a mental illness. If you look at her questionnaire, it combines the questions used by the popular clinical questionnaires on anxiety, depersonalization-derealization disorder and depression. Imposter syndrome (not a disorder in DSM-V) is also thrown in for good measure.
The claim is then that subclinical versions of the aforementioned disorders occur together and are the result of parental neglect. Neglect does not mean abuse. For example, in the 19th and 20th century an authoritarian parenting style was common. "Spare the rod and spoil the child". An egregious example is "Crying it out" or Ferberization, where you leave the child to cry by herself to let her learn to self-soothe. Today we know that this eventually causes adult attachment issues in those children. Children of depressed people may not be depressed themselves but some of their needs may be neglected in some way. The Boomer generation suffered from authoritarian parenting and the tide turned to Permissive parenting, where you try to be a friend for your child and do not set boundaries or push their children as hard. No parent is perfect but particularly in the age of nuclear families where you have only two parents as opposed to an extended family caring for you, there may be chronic patterns of neglect of some subtle type, which can lead to issues down the road for those children.
All this said, the book is based on sound scientific research and the authors' clinical experience. There is nothing essentially new in this book. It combines a variety of already known techniques and packages them in a form suitable for an adult who suffers from some mild subclinical issues.
Should you read this book? Check out the questionnaire on the authors website. If you answer yes to at least six questions, you may gain something from the book. Apart from those, another vital question to ask yourself is if you suffer from what the author calls The Fatal Flaw. Do you have a nagging feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with you? If yes, then you are suffering from Childhood Emotional Neglect and should learn the concepts in this book.
The book is divided into three parts. The first discusses parenting styles, right out of Attachment theory. The second expands on each symptom in the questionnaire. The third presents information on how to cope. This third part should really be read by everyone. Even if your parents taught you these concepts and strategies, you can forget them in the business of daily life if you do not recognize them explicitly. As is common in therapy books, information is presented in the form of vignettes, i.e. real-life situations from patients' lives. This should be a fun read for anyone who likes reading r/relationships or r/AskReddit
The claim is then that subclinical versions of the aforementioned disorders occur together and are the result of parental neglect. Neglect does not mean abuse. For example, in the 19th and 20th century an authoritarian parenting style was common. "Spare the rod and spoil the child". An egregious example is "Crying it out" or Ferberization, where you leave the child to cry by herself to let her learn to self-soothe. Today we know that this eventually causes adult attachment issues in those children. Children of depressed people may not be depressed themselves but some of their needs may be neglected in some way. The Boomer generation suffered from authoritarian parenting and the tide turned to Permissive parenting, where you try to be a friend for your child and do not set boundaries or push their children as hard. No parent is perfect but particularly in the age of nuclear families where you have only two parents as opposed to an extended family caring for you, there may be chronic patterns of neglect of some subtle type, which can lead to issues down the road for those children.
All this said, the book is based on sound scientific research and the authors' clinical experience. There is nothing essentially new in this book. It combines a variety of already known techniques and packages them in a form suitable for an adult who suffers from some mild subclinical issues.
Should you read this book? Check out the questionnaire on the authors website. If you answer yes to at least six questions, you may gain something from the book. Apart from those, another vital question to ask yourself is if you suffer from what the author calls The Fatal Flaw. Do you have a nagging feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with you? If yes, then you are suffering from Childhood Emotional Neglect and should learn the concepts in this book.
The book is divided into three parts. The first discusses parenting styles, right out of Attachment theory. The second expands on each symptom in the questionnaire. The third presents information on how to cope. This third part should really be read by everyone. Even if your parents taught you these concepts and strategies, you can forget them in the business of daily life if you do not recognize them explicitly. As is common in therapy books, information is presented in the form of vignettes, i.e. real-life situations from patients' lives. This should be a fun read for anyone who likes reading r/relationships or r/AskReddit
March 1, 2016
I had no idea there was a name for the emptiness I felt all these years. No one is a perfect parent and some people come from better homes than others but if you feel like something is missing and you don't know how to deal with life normally, for example by not having any self discipline or self compassion or too controlling or don't know how to love properly or feel shame or guilty over things instead of delving into problems and correcting them this may be something worth reading. I learned so much yes I can't review this right...maybe after I've processed more.
June 17, 2020
what i’ll be taking from this book: people are feeling creatures that think, not the other way around. emotions give our lives color and meaning, and they help us to have deeper relationships. and sadly a lot of us learn from a young age to ignore or devalue our feelings which can lead to long-term challenges: feelings of emptiness, distorted sense of self, inappropriate guilt/shame, difficulty reading emotions in ourselves and others.
what i’ll be leaving: a lot of assumptions which are definitely not unique to this book but remind me why self-help and mainstream psychology more generally are so flawed. in the tradition of attachment theory, the author locates responsibility for an individual’s emotional neglect squarely on their parents. she outlines several different types of parenting that can (but may not always) result in emotional neglect, which are very arbitrarily strung together. these 12 categories include, for example, parents who use are permissive, authoritarian, narcissists, workaholics, alcoholics, depressed, and who have disabled children. by trying to draw a causal link between parent-child relationships directly to the experience of emotional neglect, she effectively blames parents who often have their own histories of trauma and uncontrollable social conditions that create parenting challenges. the assumption of parental blame reifies the nuclear family as a natural social unit and overlooks all other meaningful social relations that could either mitigate or worsen the effects of what she calls emotional neglect. (if anything, the common experience of emotional neglect points toward the need for more than just two adults responsible for the total needs of a child.) this assumption also completely overlooks the fact that we are so deeply embroiled in a violent world that does not honor human life and connection, which appears to be at the heart of what is missing for those who experience the neglect she describes. it’s also just utterly ridiculous to act as though we should assign the same level of responsibility to a rich white parent who neglects their child vs a working-class or poor parent of color dealing with their own trauma and exploited circumstances on top of parenting. all of the case examples in the book feature rich or middle class and presumably white people even while the assumptions she’s making are really racist and classist.
after reading Care Work i’m feeling more aware of how different this is from a disability justice approach, which i’d imagine would honor the tools we have learned to cope and adapt us toward continued healing rather than seeing us as deficient and needing cures. the solutions that the author proposes are also pretty mediocre, basically a bunch of charts to track your progress in connecting with your feelings and exercising self-control.
anyways i knew i wouldn’t like this book but i’m glad i read it. it was helpful for me to recognize patterns in myself that i’ve had trouble articulating. but many of the assumptions and conclusions really missed the mark IMO. i’d love to be pointed in the direction of more critical works that address some of these themes. Caring for Souls in a Neoliberal Age by bruce rogers vaughn is just one that comes to mind, although the focus is not necessarily clinical from what i remember.
what i’ll be leaving: a lot of assumptions which are definitely not unique to this book but remind me why self-help and mainstream psychology more generally are so flawed. in the tradition of attachment theory, the author locates responsibility for an individual’s emotional neglect squarely on their parents. she outlines several different types of parenting that can (but may not always) result in emotional neglect, which are very arbitrarily strung together. these 12 categories include, for example, parents who use are permissive, authoritarian, narcissists, workaholics, alcoholics, depressed, and who have disabled children. by trying to draw a causal link between parent-child relationships directly to the experience of emotional neglect, she effectively blames parents who often have their own histories of trauma and uncontrollable social conditions that create parenting challenges. the assumption of parental blame reifies the nuclear family as a natural social unit and overlooks all other meaningful social relations that could either mitigate or worsen the effects of what she calls emotional neglect. (if anything, the common experience of emotional neglect points toward the need for more than just two adults responsible for the total needs of a child.) this assumption also completely overlooks the fact that we are so deeply embroiled in a violent world that does not honor human life and connection, which appears to be at the heart of what is missing for those who experience the neglect she describes. it’s also just utterly ridiculous to act as though we should assign the same level of responsibility to a rich white parent who neglects their child vs a working-class or poor parent of color dealing with their own trauma and exploited circumstances on top of parenting. all of the case examples in the book feature rich or middle class and presumably white people even while the assumptions she’s making are really racist and classist.
after reading Care Work i’m feeling more aware of how different this is from a disability justice approach, which i’d imagine would honor the tools we have learned to cope and adapt us toward continued healing rather than seeing us as deficient and needing cures. the solutions that the author proposes are also pretty mediocre, basically a bunch of charts to track your progress in connecting with your feelings and exercising self-control.
anyways i knew i wouldn’t like this book but i’m glad i read it. it was helpful for me to recognize patterns in myself that i’ve had trouble articulating. but many of the assumptions and conclusions really missed the mark IMO. i’d love to be pointed in the direction of more critical works that address some of these themes. Caring for Souls in a Neoliberal Age by bruce rogers vaughn is just one that comes to mind, although the focus is not necessarily clinical from what i remember.
October 22, 2021
4.5/5
erteleme alışkanlığımdan kurtulabilmek için birkaç kitap okumuştum, pek faydası olmamıştı. bu kitaba başlarken neden erteleme eğilimim olduğuna ve bundan nasıl vazgeçebileceğime dair bir cevap almayı hiç beklemiyordum, ilk defa makul ve sürdürülebilir bir çözüm buldum sanırım. büyürken sıkça "bu kadar kırılgan olma" cümlesini duymuş olmamla yetişkinliğimde bazı duygularımı öcü gibi görmem ve yok saymaya teşne oluşum arasında bir ilişki olduğunu seziyordum, kitap sayesinde adı konmuş oldu.
ebeveynlerden kaynaklı sorunlar, ebeveyn utandırması yapmaya girişilmeden ve okuyan ebeveynin de çocuğun da kendini yetersiz hissedeceği bir üsluba bulaşılmadan, tertemiz anlatılmış, çok sevdim. tavsiyelerin yer yer fazla didaktik kaçması ve çevirinin özensizliği dolayısıyla kırdım yarım puanı. size de "pff ben niye böyleyim ya" perileri sık sık uğruyorsa bi' göz atın derim. :)
erteleme alışkanlığımdan kurtulabilmek için birkaç kitap okumuştum, pek faydası olmamıştı. bu kitaba başlarken neden erteleme eğilimim olduğuna ve bundan nasıl vazgeçebileceğime dair bir cevap almayı hiç beklemiyordum, ilk defa makul ve sürdürülebilir bir çözüm buldum sanırım. büyürken sıkça "bu kadar kırılgan olma" cümlesini duymuş olmamla yetişkinliğimde bazı duygularımı öcü gibi görmem ve yok saymaya teşne oluşum arasında bir ilişki olduğunu seziyordum, kitap sayesinde adı konmuş oldu.
ebeveynlerden kaynaklı sorunlar, ebeveyn utandırması yapmaya girişilmeden ve okuyan ebeveynin de çocuğun da kendini yetersiz hissedeceği bir üsluba bulaşılmadan, tertemiz anlatılmış, çok sevdim. tavsiyelerin yer yer fazla didaktik kaçması ve çevirinin özensizliği dolayısıyla kırdım yarım puanı. size de "pff ben niye böyleyim ya" perileri sık sık uğruyorsa bi' göz atın derim. :)
February 22, 2018
Self-help books are hard to review, because the book can be very helpful but poorly written, or very well written and problematic. Or anywhere on either of those spectrums.
Also, Self-help books tend to prey on the very insecurities they promise to fix. Which is a depressing thought.
This book is written well, but the “hook” of “that emptiness you’re feeling inside is because your parents suck” is almost too broad to take seriously.
It turns out that all parents do make mistakes in raising children and in many cases this ends up with emotional problems or voids as an adult. Once you get over the “book selling pitch” then the book settles down into a pretty helpful handbook for helping you reconnect with your emotions.
I didn’t like the beginning, but I stuck with it and learned some things. It didn’t change my life and it wasn’t useless garbage. So 3 Stars.
Also, Self-help books tend to prey on the very insecurities they promise to fix. Which is a depressing thought.
This book is written well, but the “hook” of “that emptiness you’re feeling inside is because your parents suck” is almost too broad to take seriously.
It turns out that all parents do make mistakes in raising children and in many cases this ends up with emotional problems or voids as an adult. Once you get over the “book selling pitch” then the book settles down into a pretty helpful handbook for helping you reconnect with your emotions.
I didn’t like the beginning, but I stuck with it and learned some things. It didn’t change my life and it wasn’t useless garbage. So 3 Stars.
August 30, 2014
I am SO thankful that I found this book in a search. I have a huge need to try and be a better person, and try to be the best parent I can be to my own children.
What I respect most about Running on Empty, is that lack of blame. You don't come out of reading this book blaming your parents, you come out of it, saying, okay...I didn't get that thing from my parents, since they didn't realize I needed it. They raised me the way they were raised, and they did their best. It doesn't mean that it didn't effect me, and how I teach my own children.
We can do better for future generations and Dr. Jonice Webb gives us amazing strength of will to go forward and change the world.
LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Thank-you so much!
What I respect most about Running on Empty, is that lack of blame. You don't come out of reading this book blaming your parents, you come out of it, saying, okay...I didn't get that thing from my parents, since they didn't realize I needed it. They raised me the way they were raised, and they did their best. It doesn't mean that it didn't effect me, and how I teach my own children.
We can do better for future generations and Dr. Jonice Webb gives us amazing strength of will to go forward and change the world.
LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Thank-you so much!
November 21, 2013
I thoroughly enjoyed being able to learn about myself while reading this book. Dr. Webb’s Running on Empty is a guidebook for those who have had the unfortunate experience of living through a childhood without the necessary support from parents or guardians. Emotional development occurs in early childhood and throughout the young life, and without emotional boundaries and guidelines from loving, involved parents, emotionally neglected children may end up repeating the cycle of emotional abuse, or simply not being able to take care of themselves personally.
The manner in which Dr. Webb presented her scenarios was very interesting and made it so that it would be relevant in some way to any person who was reading the book. For instance, she had the same three or four children, and these kids were shown in different scenarios with different emotionally neglectful parents to help you understand what story might play out. It was very insightful, because many of the parents were obviously well-meaning, but it showed how even the most caring parents can still be neglectful in some way or another.
After the listings of the different types of parents, in the second half of the book, Dr. Webb covers different methods to “fill the tank” of emotional neglected people. This section includes worksheets with questions, as well as tools like tables to keep track of efforts taken, such as a table to keep track of efforts made to be more self-disciplined.
Overall, as a child of an emotionally neglectful parent, I would highly recommend this book to people who feel that they have had this issue in their lives, or people who are parents, to make sure that they are nurturing their children’s emotional needs. In all reality, I would highly recommend this book to anyone at all, because some people may have issues with their parents that they hadn’t even realized had manifested in their adult lives. Again, neglect is not always on purpose, but is many times the result of all the demands placed on any person trying to keep up in modern society.
The manner in which Dr. Webb presented her scenarios was very interesting and made it so that it would be relevant in some way to any person who was reading the book. For instance, she had the same three or four children, and these kids were shown in different scenarios with different emotionally neglectful parents to help you understand what story might play out. It was very insightful, because many of the parents were obviously well-meaning, but it showed how even the most caring parents can still be neglectful in some way or another.
After the listings of the different types of parents, in the second half of the book, Dr. Webb covers different methods to “fill the tank” of emotional neglected people. This section includes worksheets with questions, as well as tools like tables to keep track of efforts taken, such as a table to keep track of efforts made to be more self-disciplined.
Overall, as a child of an emotionally neglectful parent, I would highly recommend this book to people who feel that they have had this issue in their lives, or people who are parents, to make sure that they are nurturing their children’s emotional needs. In all reality, I would highly recommend this book to anyone at all, because some people may have issues with their parents that they hadn’t even realized had manifested in their adult lives. Again, neglect is not always on purpose, but is many times the result of all the demands placed on any person trying to keep up in modern society.
December 7, 2021
Görünür bir ihmalden öte, farkında olmadığımız bir ihmalden bahsediyor kitap. İhmaller ve sonuçları öyle güzel örneklerle çeşitlendirilmiş ki, aklınıza kazınıyor.
Ben okumaya başladığımdan itibaren epey kişiye önerdim, buradan da duyurmak istiyorum; içinizde bir türlü anlamlandıramadığınız bir boşluk varsa bu kitap size çok naçizane bir yol açabilir. Daha önemlisi bir ebeveyn iseniz çocuğunuzla doğru ve güvenli bir iletişim kurmak adına bu kitabı mutlaka okumanızı tavsiye ederim.
Ben okumaya başladığımdan itibaren epey kişiye önerdim, buradan da duyurmak istiyorum; içinizde bir türlü anlamlandıramadığınız bir boşluk varsa bu kitap size çok naçizane bir yol açabilir. Daha önemlisi bir ebeveyn iseniz çocuğunuzla doğru ve güvenli bir iletişim kurmak adına bu kitabı mutlaka okumanızı tavsiye ederim.
October 26, 2016
Since as far back as i can remember, I was a person that put others' needs first. I could be remarkable compassionate toward others but less so with myself. I could sit for hours listening to someone else's problems and feel what they were feeling but when someone asked me how i was feeling. i was puzzled by the question. I have no idea how i feel about it. I couldnt begin to know where to start.
For a long time I treated this inability to be emotional as a plus, a virtue. With so much extreme emotion around me growing up, I found a way to receive some attention and praise for my needs by pretending I didn't have any. Don't rely on anyone else for emotional support because there wasn't enough to go around. I reveled in the autonomy that it gave me.
This strategy allowed me to survive, by the skin of my teeth, a major depressive episode in high school. It wasn't until after college that i realized i needed to work this out with a professional.
I found this book a year ago and have finally finished it, having read 70% of it the first time. It is rare to find information that is so spot on like this book is.
It's strange to see myself reflected so much in this book. Its clear to me that emotional neglect has been a powerful unseen force in my life. I was hesitant to read deeply when i started this book. I like many i know staunchly defend my parents as loving committed people, which they are. However they are human as well. The best parent in the world will make mistakes. The emotional neglect i experienced was not out of spike or hate but from a culture and time that surrounded my parent as though it was passed like osmosis, unspoken from their parents to them.
The acknowledgement of emotional neglect isn't meant to shame your parents but to take an honest look of what you did not get growing up. If life seems a burden or colorless. If relationships seem like a dangerous puzzle and you don't know why.
You owe it to yourself to read this book and reflect sincerely on it.
For a long time I treated this inability to be emotional as a plus, a virtue. With so much extreme emotion around me growing up, I found a way to receive some attention and praise for my needs by pretending I didn't have any. Don't rely on anyone else for emotional support because there wasn't enough to go around. I reveled in the autonomy that it gave me.
This strategy allowed me to survive, by the skin of my teeth, a major depressive episode in high school. It wasn't until after college that i realized i needed to work this out with a professional.
I found this book a year ago and have finally finished it, having read 70% of it the first time. It is rare to find information that is so spot on like this book is.
It's strange to see myself reflected so much in this book. Its clear to me that emotional neglect has been a powerful unseen force in my life. I was hesitant to read deeply when i started this book. I like many i know staunchly defend my parents as loving committed people, which they are. However they are human as well. The best parent in the world will make mistakes. The emotional neglect i experienced was not out of spike or hate but from a culture and time that surrounded my parent as though it was passed like osmosis, unspoken from their parents to them.
The acknowledgement of emotional neglect isn't meant to shame your parents but to take an honest look of what you did not get growing up. If life seems a burden or colorless. If relationships seem like a dangerous puzzle and you don't know why.
You owe it to yourself to read this book and reflect sincerely on it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 7, 2018
Generic. Long winded. Cash Grab.
The majority (80%) of this book is purely describing real-world example scenarios at length. Very little of this book (20%) is informative/actionable, descriptions are so generic it feels unfocused and not helpful. There is near zero framework, new perspective, meta-cog, abstract, or lateral thinking proposed in this book, offering almost nothing to learn from.
When specifically looking for nuggets of wisdom, the only useful conclusion I found was distinguishing horizontal questions (acquiring information) from vertical questions (digging deeper).
I hope this book might be found more relevant or useful to others; but unfortunately I also feel this book was a cash grab by the author to just sell anything and potentially get attention for promoting their other programs. Overall the content and framing of ideas in this book lead me to believe that very little effort or time was put into making this book; wouldn't recommend.
The majority (80%) of this book is purely describing real-world example scenarios at length. Very little of this book (20%) is informative/actionable, descriptions are so generic it feels unfocused and not helpful. There is near zero framework, new perspective, meta-cog, abstract, or lateral thinking proposed in this book, offering almost nothing to learn from.
When specifically looking for nuggets of wisdom, the only useful conclusion I found was distinguishing horizontal questions (acquiring information) from vertical questions (digging deeper).
I hope this book might be found more relevant or useful to others; but unfortunately I also feel this book was a cash grab by the author to just sell anything and potentially get attention for promoting their other programs. Overall the content and framing of ideas in this book lead me to believe that very little effort or time was put into making this book; wouldn't recommend.
August 24, 2016
With so much pop psychology around there is not much that grabs my attention in this genre these days. However, 'Running on Empty', has been a rare exception. In this lightening-speed age it's easy to overlook to role emotions play in our lives. After all, emotions are an integral part of human physiology.
Jonice Webb takes great care to point out that the basic premise of the book - emotional neglect - is not intended as a way to blame our parents for shortcomings. Rather, she shows how this deficit can be a generational approach to parenting, passed down the line usually unintentionally. Needless to say, there is a lot of emotional neglect about. As I read through this short but weighty book the list of those I would want to recommend it to grew and grew.
Insights about different parenting styles, and how they can result in various degrees of emotional neglect abound. There are worksheets for those who need some kind of structure to help start to pay more attention and therefor gain greater control of their emotional self.
More than anything, this little book helped answer the life-long question, 'What's wrong with me?'
Since opening the door to awareness about emotional neglect it's impossible to close it. In this way the book has the potential to change the way we operate - change our life!
Jonice Webb takes great care to point out that the basic premise of the book - emotional neglect - is not intended as a way to blame our parents for shortcomings. Rather, she shows how this deficit can be a generational approach to parenting, passed down the line usually unintentionally. Needless to say, there is a lot of emotional neglect about. As I read through this short but weighty book the list of those I would want to recommend it to grew and grew.
Insights about different parenting styles, and how they can result in various degrees of emotional neglect abound. There are worksheets for those who need some kind of structure to help start to pay more attention and therefor gain greater control of their emotional self.
More than anything, this little book helped answer the life-long question, 'What's wrong with me?'
Since opening the door to awareness about emotional neglect it's impossible to close it. In this way the book has the potential to change the way we operate - change our life!
May 28, 2020
only reason i picked up this book is bc someone on r/getdisciplined said to consider this book if you struggle with self-discipline for no obvious reason and so i did. i found this surprisingly very eye-opening! although i blanked by the self-care latter part because (to no one’s surprise) reading about careful but obvious steps to improving myself made me feel no stupider than when my therapist offers easy solutions (it was right there, dumbass!) to problems i thought were unfixable (that’s just me though). overall, this book felt like a psychotherapy session that helped me realize/uncover things about myself i never even considered.
quotes that particularly hit:
quotes that particularly hit:
“Since they have not learned to identify or to be in touch with their true emotional needs, it’s difficult for therapists to keep them in treatment long enough to help them understand themselves better.”
“The fuel of life is feeling. If we’re not filled up in childhood, we must fill ourselves as adults. Otherwise, we will find ourselves running on empty.”
“But the emotionally neglected person’s struggle is more chronic and intense. It becomes a lifelong theme. Emotionally neglected people will come to treatment calling themselves scattered, lazy, unmotivated, or procrastinators. When they talk about their childhood, you discover that their parents, however giving and loving, did not provide real structure for learning the skill of self-discipline.”
“Many emotionally neglected children have parents who love them very much and provide them with every physical need. But part of parenting is seeing your child for who he is: not only noticing the things that he’s good at, but also noticing the things that are hardest for him, and putting in the effort to make sure that he addresses those.”
“Emotionally neglected people tend to be good listeners. But they are not good at talking, especially about themselves.”
“She had no idea that between her absent father and preoccupied mother, no one had taken the time and energy to actually parent her.”
“But these symptoms, the ones that may have brought them to a psychotherapist’s door, always masquerade as something else: depression, marital problems, anxiety, anger. Adults who have been emotionally neglected mislabel their unhappiness in such ways, and tend to feel embarrassed by asking for help.”
“Many people have told me that they would far prefer feeling anything to nothing. It is very difficult to acknowledge, make sense of, or put into words something that is absent.”
January 15, 2023
Keegi üldiselt ei õpeta meid koolis enda emotsioone ära tundma, nimetama, kommunikeerima või nendega toime tulema. Õppekavades ei ole õppeväljundina välja toodud, et õpilane “oskab seletada, millist funktsiooni erinevate emotsioonide ilmnemine täidab”. Bioloogiatunnis ei räägita sellest, kuidas evolutsiooniliselt kujunenud emotsionaalsus inimesele vajalik on, ning emakeeletunnis ei ole eesmärgiks täiendada laste emotsionaalset sõnavara.
Nii et emotsionaalne haridus jääb tegelikult enamjaolt vanemate kanda.
Ja vanemate emotsionaalne haridus on olnud suuresti nende vanemate kanda.
You see where I’m going with this?
Kui inimene ei lähe teraapiasse ja/või ei täienda end emotsionaalset intelligentsust käsitleva kirjanduse abil, ei pruugigi temani jõuda hädavajalikud oskused emotsioonidega toimetamiseks, mis on aluseks täisväärtusliku elu kujundamisel. Olgu selleks siis kontakt iseendaga, tähendusrikkad suhted ja karjäär, eluterve minapilt või rahulolu eluga laiemalt.
Ja seda näeb jube tihti, et psühholoogi kabinetti jõudnud inimesed on olnud lapsepõlves emotsionaalselt hüljatud.
Küll on hea, et saan neile kohe Webbi raamatut soovitada.
Väga lihtsasti arusaadavas keeles kirjutatud raamat, mis rohkete näidete ja täpse sõnastuse abil annab edasi, (a) mida tähendab emotsionaalne ilmajäetus, (b) kuidas see lapseeas kujuneda võib, (c) kuidas see täiskasvanueas väljendub (ja kuidas seda terapeudina kliendi puhul märgata), ning (d) mis sammud võiks tervenemiseks ette võtta.
Paneksin hea meelega 5 tärni 5st, kui ainult viimane osa ehk neglektist paranemine ei oleks minu silmis liiga… simplistlik? Seal sisalduvad suunised, harjutused ja näpunäited võivad kohati olla küll väga asjalikud ja head, kuid neid ainuüksi selliste lühikeste raamatukirjelduste abil on ilmselt väga keeruline ellu viia. Selleks oleks vaja eraldi samm-sammulisemat programmi, mis on terveks eraldi raamatuks vormistatud ja palju personaalsem. Või tegelikult – oleks vaja psühholoogi :)
Tean, et Webbil on olemas nüüdseks ka raamatu teine osa, mis käsitlebki emotsionaalsest neglektist väljatulemist, ei tea, võib-olla mingi hetk viskan pilgu peale. Hetkel tunnen, et mul on endal tööriistu küll, mida klientidega kasutada, ja soovitan seda lugeda peamiselt selleks, et (a) saada detailsem ülevaade kontseptsioonist, (b) tunda samastumist ja mõistmist ning (c) tuvastada enda jaoks põletavamad probleemikohad, millega teraapias tegeleda.
Nii et, jätkan hea meelega soovitamist, eriti nüüd, kus olen raamatu põhjalikumalt läbi töötanud kui varem.
Nii et emotsionaalne haridus jääb tegelikult enamjaolt vanemate kanda.
Ja vanemate emotsionaalne haridus on olnud suuresti nende vanemate kanda.
You see where I’m going with this?
Kui inimene ei lähe teraapiasse ja/või ei täienda end emotsionaalset intelligentsust käsitleva kirjanduse abil, ei pruugigi temani jõuda hädavajalikud oskused emotsioonidega toimetamiseks, mis on aluseks täisväärtusliku elu kujundamisel. Olgu selleks siis kontakt iseendaga, tähendusrikkad suhted ja karjäär, eluterve minapilt või rahulolu eluga laiemalt.
Ja seda näeb jube tihti, et psühholoogi kabinetti jõudnud inimesed on olnud lapsepõlves emotsionaalselt hüljatud.
Küll on hea, et saan neile kohe Webbi raamatut soovitada.
Väga lihtsasti arusaadavas keeles kirjutatud raamat, mis rohkete näidete ja täpse sõnastuse abil annab edasi, (a) mida tähendab emotsionaalne ilmajäetus, (b) kuidas see lapseeas kujuneda võib, (c) kuidas see täiskasvanueas väljendub (ja kuidas seda terapeudina kliendi puhul märgata), ning (d) mis sammud võiks tervenemiseks ette võtta.
Paneksin hea meelega 5 tärni 5st, kui ainult viimane osa ehk neglektist paranemine ei oleks minu silmis liiga… simplistlik? Seal sisalduvad suunised, harjutused ja näpunäited võivad kohati olla küll väga asjalikud ja head, kuid neid ainuüksi selliste lühikeste raamatukirjelduste abil on ilmselt väga keeruline ellu viia. Selleks oleks vaja eraldi samm-sammulisemat programmi, mis on terveks eraldi raamatuks vormistatud ja palju personaalsem. Või tegelikult – oleks vaja psühholoogi :)
Tean, et Webbil on olemas nüüdseks ka raamatu teine osa, mis käsitlebki emotsionaalsest neglektist väljatulemist, ei tea, võib-olla mingi hetk viskan pilgu peale. Hetkel tunnen, et mul on endal tööriistu küll, mida klientidega kasutada, ja soovitan seda lugeda peamiselt selleks, et (a) saada detailsem ülevaade kontseptsioonist, (b) tunda samastumist ja mõistmist ning (c) tuvastada enda jaoks põletavamad probleemikohad, millega teraapias tegeleda.
Nii et, jätkan hea meelega soovitamist, eriti nüüd, kus olen raamatu põhjalikumalt läbi töötanud kui varem.
July 22, 2013
I am a fan of good pop psychology in general, but Webb's theory of emotional neglect is one I have not read and that strikes me as wise and worthy. It explains a "something is missing" sense that even people with generally good lives can walk around with, and the anecdotes are very helpful in understanding the many ways we might not have had our emotional intelligence and development nurtured in childhood.
Emotional neglect is not abuse. It is an empty space, not a space filled with hurt, so it's therefore difficult to pinpoint what it is in our past that leaves us feeling lost and empty. The book is aimed in part at suffering adults, in part at parents wanting to properly nurture their children, and in part at psychotherapists. This is still a theory and Webb hopes to see empirical research take off on it soon, Me too--it's an extremely compelling approach. This is not a scolding, blaming book. Rather, it is insightful and encouraging.
Emotional neglect is not abuse. It is an empty space, not a space filled with hurt, so it's therefore difficult to pinpoint what it is in our past that leaves us feeling lost and empty. The book is aimed in part at suffering adults, in part at parents wanting to properly nurture their children, and in part at psychotherapists. This is still a theory and Webb hopes to see empirical research take off on it soon, Me too--it's an extremely compelling approach. This is not a scolding, blaming book. Rather, it is insightful and encouraging.
April 26, 2021
It's considerably simple to go through life not noticing something is missing. How do you know you were missing something if you never knew it was something you needed in the first place? Or you might feel like something is missing but can't really identify what it is. That is kind of the case with emotional neglect. You might feel like something is wrong with you, but you can't exactly put your finger on it.
This book was very informative when it comes to emotional neglect. One thing I've learned is that emotional neglect is not necessarily the same as emotional abuse. Emotional neglect is rooted in a lack of strategies that children need in order to grow into an adult who is able to self-soothe, be compassionate and has a sense of self-discipline. Simply put: When those strategies were never taught, because your parents did not know how, there is a chance you have childhood emotional neglect. I recognized a lot of the symptoms, if not all, but I never knew they were connected to emotional neglect. The book starts off by giving a number of examples when it comes to types of emotionally neglectful parents. Being an emotionally neglected child does not mean you did not have a happy childhood. On the contrary, many types of emotionally neglectful parents are what we would see as 'good parents' in modern day society, which is exactly why this book is so interesting. After going through the examples, Jonice gives a clear overview and explanation of the symptoms. Subsequently, the last couple of chapters are focused on practical solutions and will help you learn how to gradually become a better, more self-compassionate person.
I gained a lot of new insights and knowledge about emotional intelligence in general, but reading this book has been a personal exploration as well. I feel like I know myself a little bit better. Knowing and understanding the source of your issues can be extremely reassuring, and an accessible first step into healing. When I first started reading, I noticed that some parts were triggering to me - especially the first few chapters describing the different types of parents and the symptoms of emotional neglect. Halfway through the book I recognized that a lot of these symptoms were things I have actively been dealing with and working on in the past few years. This awareness this did not make me sad as much as it made me feel thankful for how far I came. Reading this book helped me understand I have been doing a great job teaching myself the important components of emotional health which I was missing in childhood. At the same time, this book gave me specific tools I needed in order to increase my self-awareness and help myself consciously grow even more on an emotional level.
This book was very informative when it comes to emotional neglect. One thing I've learned is that emotional neglect is not necessarily the same as emotional abuse. Emotional neglect is rooted in a lack of strategies that children need in order to grow into an adult who is able to self-soothe, be compassionate and has a sense of self-discipline. Simply put: When those strategies were never taught, because your parents did not know how, there is a chance you have childhood emotional neglect. I recognized a lot of the symptoms, if not all, but I never knew they were connected to emotional neglect. The book starts off by giving a number of examples when it comes to types of emotionally neglectful parents. Being an emotionally neglected child does not mean you did not have a happy childhood. On the contrary, many types of emotionally neglectful parents are what we would see as 'good parents' in modern day society, which is exactly why this book is so interesting. After going through the examples, Jonice gives a clear overview and explanation of the symptoms. Subsequently, the last couple of chapters are focused on practical solutions and will help you learn how to gradually become a better, more self-compassionate person.
I gained a lot of new insights and knowledge about emotional intelligence in general, but reading this book has been a personal exploration as well. I feel like I know myself a little bit better. Knowing and understanding the source of your issues can be extremely reassuring, and an accessible first step into healing. When I first started reading, I noticed that some parts were triggering to me - especially the first few chapters describing the different types of parents and the symptoms of emotional neglect. Halfway through the book I recognized that a lot of these symptoms were things I have actively been dealing with and working on in the past few years. This awareness this did not make me sad as much as it made me feel thankful for how far I came. Reading this book helped me understand I have been doing a great job teaching myself the important components of emotional health which I was missing in childhood. At the same time, this book gave me specific tools I needed in order to increase my self-awareness and help myself consciously grow even more on an emotional level.
September 5, 2020
Fiziksel ihmalin çokça konuşuldugu ancak duygusal anlamda ebeveyni tarafından duygularinin varlığı, o duygular ile neler yapacağı/yapamayacagi hakkında konuşulmayan bunların sınırlarını bilmeden büyümus çocukları konu alan bu kitapta güzel orneklemeler ile çeşitli alanlardaki duygusal ihmal tiplerine değinilmiş. Şema Terapi kavramlarına aşina iseniz bir "Tamam anladık bağlantıları yazılmasa da ama devamı nerede?" gibi bir soru olusabilir zihninizde ve buna doyurucu yanıtlar alamayabilirsiniz. Boşluk hissi ekseninde ele alınmış oz şefkat ve duygularin anlanmasi ve hissedilmesi ile ilgili önerilen egzersizleri beğendim. Duygusal ihmali deneyimlemis bir yetişkinin ebeveyn olma durumunda karşılaşabileceği ve çocuğuna da iletebilecegini gerçekçi ve şefkatli bir biçimde ele almis yazar bu kısımları okumak keyifliydi.
Çeviri ile ilgili olarak anlasilmasi zor ya da anlatılanin tam karşılıgi olmayan yerler vardı. Client direkt müşteri olarak çevrilmiş mesela çok fazla göze batıyor. Sonraki baskılarda dilerim gerekli kontrol ve düzeltmeleri yaparlar.
Çeviri ile ilgili olarak anlasilmasi zor ya da anlatılanin tam karşılıgi olmayan yerler vardı. Client direkt müşteri olarak çevrilmiş mesela çok fazla göze batıyor. Sonraki baskılarda dilerim gerekli kontrol ve düzeltmeleri yaparlar.
November 2, 2021
Dr. Jonice Webb ve Dr. Christine Musello tarafından ortak hazırlanan bu kitap, 3 kısımdan ve 9 bölümden oluşmaktadır. Her kısımda farklı olaylara ve durumlara inilirken, bölümlerde ise karşılaştırmalar ve incelemeler yapılıyor. Her duyguya (mutluluk, öfke, üzüntü, "boşluk hissi" vb.) ve her duygusal düşünceye (intihar, aşk vb.) inilip, olaylar irdeleniyor. Bu hem ebeveynin gözünden, hem de çocuğun gözünden örneklendirilerek anlatılıyor. Ki bu kitabı sadece ebeveynler ya da ebeveyn olacaklar değil, herkes okumalı. Okudukça "insan" olduğumuzu hatırlamalıyız. Bu devirde buna fazlasıyla ihtiyacımız var. Ben bu kitabı okurken kendimden de parçalar buldum, kimi zaman çevremdeki insanları da gördüm. Aslında herkesin hayatında olan şeyleri gördüm diyebilirim. Tabii bunları görürken, bazı şeyleri de idrak ediyor ve sindiriyoruz. Tıpkı, çocukluğun sadece bir dönemden ibaret olmadığını, hayatımız boyunca o çocukla yetişip, büyüdüğümüzü anlamamız gibi. Ya da, her bir hareketin ve her bir sözün nelere yol açabileceğini ve daha sonrasında sonuçlarının neler olabileceğini görebilmemiz gibi...
Sonucunda da güzel bir psikoloji kitabını okuduğuma inanıyorum, kendime güzel şeyler ve büyük şeyler kattığımı düşünüyorum. Tüm insanların da bundan faydalanmasını istiyorum.
Sonucunda da güzel bir psikoloji kitabını okuduğuma inanıyorum, kendime güzel şeyler ve büyük şeyler kattığımı düşünüyorum. Tüm insanların da bundan faydalanmasını istiyorum.
August 11, 2020
A terrible book. I found author's classification of emotionally neglectful parents unnecessarily detailed and tiresome. It is useless. Also, too many examples... But the thing which bothered me most was author's constant assurance that all those parents were not abusive, but "loving and caring". I really do not understand how any emotionally neglectful person (for narcissistic parents, according to the author, this counts, too) can be "loving". She also states that the children, who had been showered with material possessions but not love or, at least, sincere interest, were very well "cared for". and "loved". I do not think so. I was there, therefore I know better. The part about healing could be somehow helpful - though there are better books about the same issue now. I do not recommend. Waste of time.
January 17, 2016
tl;dr:
1. Everything is your parents' fault, even if you think your childhood was happy
2. Every mental health problem is caused by being emotionally neglected as a child. Over-eating, under-eating, suicidal tendencies, being a jerk... you name it.
3. 3/4 of the book describe ways in which one may have been neglected. 1/4 gives some common sense advice like take care of yourself, forgive yourself, don't be hard on yourself, learn to say no, etc.
1. Everything is your parents' fault, even if you think your childhood was happy
2. Every mental health problem is caused by being emotionally neglected as a child. Over-eating, under-eating, suicidal tendencies, being a jerk... you name it.
3. 3/4 of the book describe ways in which one may have been neglected. 1/4 gives some common sense advice like take care of yourself, forgive yourself, don't be hard on yourself, learn to say no, etc.
March 18, 2020
EVERYONE MUST READ THIS BOOK!
Seriously, if there is one book I recommend everyone to read, it's this one.
Seriously, if there is one book I recommend everyone to read, it's this one.
December 11, 2021
Dili oldukça sade çok rahat okunuyor. Tekrar tekrar bakılabilecek güzel bir kaynak.
March 5, 2019
I’m very grateful for what this author has illuminated in my own suffering. I never understood why I was so “fucked up” but couldn’t really trace my issues back to anything... on paper, my parents told me they loved me all the time and gave me hugs... I guess I always believed I had no reason to have issues and because of that I’ve always blamed myself for my inability to have real and meaningful relationships (friendships or intimate or otherwise) and for having so many “mental health struggles”.
I was emotionally neglected. DEEPLY. It all makes sense now. I know now what happened (or didn’t happen, rather) and I’m able to work through it!
If you’re interested in learning more, my entry way into this was episode #260 of the Mental Illness Happy Hour (the author talked about childhood emotional neglect and gave a summary of what she talks about in this book). I walked around the city at 5am, listening, having AHA moment after AHA moment and realizing that everything points to my parents lack of ability to give me what I needed emotionally (and the damage it caused in me). I also suspect that MOST of the people I know experienced emotional neglect as children (that cycle continues on-and-on throughout generations). I’m realizing how impactful that is in our becoming self-reliant, emotionally intelligent/aware, whole people.
The book itself was mostly 5* but was also slightly problematic at times (which I don’t need to get into). I would say the first few chapters were the most illuminating and useful. Im very grateful for what the author has shown me. I NEEDED to know this. It’s been such an integral part in my healing!
I was emotionally neglected. DEEPLY. It all makes sense now. I know now what happened (or didn’t happen, rather) and I’m able to work through it!
If you’re interested in learning more, my entry way into this was episode #260 of the Mental Illness Happy Hour (the author talked about childhood emotional neglect and gave a summary of what she talks about in this book). I walked around the city at 5am, listening, having AHA moment after AHA moment and realizing that everything points to my parents lack of ability to give me what I needed emotionally (and the damage it caused in me). I also suspect that MOST of the people I know experienced emotional neglect as children (that cycle continues on-and-on throughout generations). I’m realizing how impactful that is in our becoming self-reliant, emotionally intelligent/aware, whole people.
The book itself was mostly 5* but was also slightly problematic at times (which I don’t need to get into). I would say the first few chapters were the most illuminating and useful. Im very grateful for what the author has shown me. I NEEDED to know this. It’s been such an integral part in my healing!
May 5, 2023
Such a mixed bag. The section with tips on establishing self-discipline, compassion, and other skills was pretty useful, and I'm already benefiting from it!
But then, it does what I think a lot of self-help books do, especially those concerned with childhood, and really goes hard on the narrative that all one's problems are because of individual, albeit important, relationship screwups, without a nod to societal inequity and violence. This seems like a good way to turn adults against their parents needlessly, since in the case of this book, we are explicitly not talking about instances of abuse or trauma, rather the messups that many parents make. You can always sell a book simplifying issues and naming a bad guy, and while it's useful to have frameworks for why parents miss the mark and how to recover/do better, the book felt really punitive to me. A chapter on repairing these relationships (if desired ofc) would have gone a long way.
The author's examples of model parenting also struck me as far from ideal. In one example a child is sent home with a note for bad behavior, and the IDEAL response from the parent involves teaching the kid to always obey teachers no matter what. I know I'm leftier than many, but teachers are often super wrong. The book is mostly for people who the system largely takes care of, and that leaves a ton to fall between the cracks.
This is shown even more when the author decides to make some of her *fictional* example case studies black, while never mentioning the effects racism would have on families. Super token. Also, the one time neurodivergence is brought up (highly relevant for interpersonal/generational miscommunications!) it's an autistic kid being a distracting burden to a parent, leading the parent to neglect the neurotypical kid. No mention of the autistic child's needs, except as a hog of what should belong to the good kid. No thanks.
But then, it does what I think a lot of self-help books do, especially those concerned with childhood, and really goes hard on the narrative that all one's problems are because of individual, albeit important, relationship screwups, without a nod to societal inequity and violence. This seems like a good way to turn adults against their parents needlessly, since in the case of this book, we are explicitly not talking about instances of abuse or trauma, rather the messups that many parents make. You can always sell a book simplifying issues and naming a bad guy, and while it's useful to have frameworks for why parents miss the mark and how to recover/do better, the book felt really punitive to me. A chapter on repairing these relationships (if desired ofc) would have gone a long way.
The author's examples of model parenting also struck me as far from ideal. In one example a child is sent home with a note for bad behavior, and the IDEAL response from the parent involves teaching the kid to always obey teachers no matter what. I know I'm leftier than many, but teachers are often super wrong. The book is mostly for people who the system largely takes care of, and that leaves a ton to fall between the cracks.
This is shown even more when the author decides to make some of her *fictional* example case studies black, while never mentioning the effects racism would have on families. Super token. Also, the one time neurodivergence is brought up (highly relevant for interpersonal/generational miscommunications!) it's an autistic kid being a distracting burden to a parent, leading the parent to neglect the neurotypical kid. No mention of the autistic child's needs, except as a hog of what should belong to the good kid. No thanks.
July 25, 2017
I would say that this is a good book but you have to be a little careful when reading it. The book is written in such a way that sometimes you get the impression that parents did neglect you on purpose. When you don't keep this in mind this book can fuel your anger. The author should have made it more clear that parents behaved in this way unintentionally, they simply didn't know better, this is what they received and they simply did the best they could having such poor tools to raise a child. I found this book very informative and it helped me to work on some of my issues I have in my adult life but it didn't help me at all to address the emotions of anger, sadness, abandonment, betrayal... that I feel towards my parents which I would like to address.
October 11, 2018
To some people this book might be the most important discovery in their life. It's extraordinary to understand the impacts of events that didn't happen in our life and the consequences it brought into our everyday emotions and behaviour. The book comprises of excellent explanations on both the causes and the solutions, giving you the whole peripheral indictment on issues of emotional neglect. As a bachelor, reading this book makes me realise parenting plays such enermous roles in shaping a person, and that one should not be when he/ she is not ready because one of your neglect act could cause tremendous harm/ trauma to your child later on. A very very worthy read.
September 23, 2018
"Running on Empty" is an appropriate title, because the author seemed to be desperately trying to stretch a rather thin premise to fill up pages, for example, with a "Change Sheet" to records the number of times you say no over the course of a year or an 11-page (!) list of "Feeling Words."
The book is written at a grade-school level and focuses heavily on long, drawn-out anecdotal examples, rather than solid research and methods of recovery.
It seems like a cynical attempt on the part of the author to profit from her readers' pain.
Sad.
The book is written at a grade-school level and focuses heavily on long, drawn-out anecdotal examples, rather than solid research and methods of recovery.
It seems like a cynical attempt on the part of the author to profit from her readers' pain.
Sad.
November 8, 2020
این کتاب متأسفانه به فارسی ترجمه نشده. کتاب خیلی خوبیه که می تونه کلید معمای احساس ناکامی بعضی از انسان ها، از جمله خودم، تو زندگی باشه. نویسنده برای اولین بار اصطلاح emotionl neglect روُ تو ادبیات روانشناسی /روانپزشکی به کار برده. تا قبل ایشون هر جا حرفی از child neglect زده شده منظور عدم رسیدگی به ان نیازهای مادی فیزیکی کودکه، مثل غذای کافی و امنیت فیزیکی. امیدوارم به زودی به فارسی ترجمه بشه.
April 13, 2022
Just when I thought I came to know most, I came to this book, mind blowing.
July 1, 2023
Tai knyga kurią man labai reikėjo perskaityti. Knyga apie tą "juk NIEKO neatsitiko". Labai rekomenduoju visiems kurie neranda atsakymo kodėl nesijaučia gerai, nors tam nėra objektyvios priežąsties. Knyga ne tik torinė, bet ir labai praktiška, man daugelyje vietų žadinanti ir kartu padrąsinanti.
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