How to Really Hurt a Child or Spouse Job Seeker

I was recently reminded of an incident that occurred about 10 years ago. I was sitting in my office, minding my own business, when the phone rang. It was a parent in distress.

The woman wanted my help. As she explained it to me, her son hated his boss and she was trying to help him get a new job.

I, of course, assumed that he son was fresh out of high school. Never assume...

Turns out he was in his thirties and had a good job as a laboratory technician at a local research hospital. She admitted that he had no idea what she was doing and that he had not asked her for any assistance.

After further inquiry, it turned out she was not only calling recruiters and career counselors, but also area hospitals. And she was not hesitant about revealing her son's name and place of employment.

I offered some free advice. I told her to call her son over the phone, telling him what she had been doing and that I advised that he go to his boss and inform him as well. My assumption was that, sooner or later, one of the lab directors with whom she had been speaking, would contact her son's boss. Better he should hear about it from the son than from a colleague at another facility. I also told her that it was best to tell him over the phone because if she did it in person, he'd probably kill her!

She was outraged. She did not understand. What was she doing wrong? What was wrong with a mother trying to help her son?

I explained it to her. "Why would anyone want to hire someone, an adult no less, who needs his mommy to conduct a job search for him?" Eventually, she got the message. She called him. After screaming at her, as he told me, he hung up and ran to his boss. (He also confirmed that my assumption that he would have killed her was not so far off the mark...!)

When he opened the door to his boss's office, he was on the phone. The son's timing could not have been better. You guessed it, Mommy had called one of his closest friends who was now having a good laugh at everyone's expense. Son explained. Son apologized. Boss told him not to worry about it. In fact, he understood. His mother was a handful as well.

Son did not lose his job. Son was lucky. Son had to work hard to reverse the damage his mother had done to his reputation. (When he went to a conference a few weeks later, he introduced himself to a panelist who mentioned a conversation he had had with his mother!) But as is usually the case, the harm was temporary and all was soon forgotten.

The lesson is that when an adult is looking for a job, the adult has to look for the job him- or herself. Mommy can't do it. Daddy can't do it. And, for that matter, the spouse can't do it. Mother, wife; father, husband - it makes no difference. If you want to help a loved one get a job, give them moral support. If you have a relevant network, put it at their disposal. But do not be proactive. It's their job search, not yours. Interfere and you may cost them not only a job but a career.

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Bruce Hurwitz is an executive recruiter and career counselor. He has helped scores (thousands if you include attendees at his presentations) of people, including veterans, not only change jobs but, on occasion, change careers. Having successfully transitioned from academia to non-profits to the recruiting industry, he has been there and done that!

Bruce is a recognized authority on job search and career issues, having been quoted in over 700 articles, appearing in some 500 publications, across the United States and in more than 30 foreign countries. His posts on LinkedIn have been read over 350,000 times and have garnered national and international media attention, including television appearances on Fox Business Network and Headline News (CNN).  

An advocate for the protection of job seekers, visit the homepage of his website, www.hsstaffing.com, to read about questionable offerings of so-called job search assistance companies and to learn about his upcoming speaking engagements. Follow him on Twitter at @HurwitzStaffing.

Lastly, he can help you make the most out of LinkedIn by doing the mundane tasks so that you are free to do what only you can, grow a real-world network of potential employers, clients or customers, as the case may be, thus allowing you to achieve whatever it was that brought you to LinkedIn in the first place.