Lobbying Your True Love: The True Cost of Twelve Days of Christmas, 2011 Edition

Say you want to give that special someone in your life a passel of unusual presents. You know, a tribe of percussionists, some gravitationally-challenged royalty, a few people to help out in the dairy.

Finding the price of the bounty in the “12 Days of Christmas” carol a little steep?

Well, no wonder. Do you have any idea how much the groups representing each of those presents spend lobbying the federal government each year?

No? That’s why the Center for Responsive Politics is here to help.

For starters, the California Pear Growers have an interest in hooking you up with a pear tree. And the National Audubon Society can tell you where to find a pair of turtle doves — and maybe also that partridge — if you promise to treat the birds nicely.

In fact, according to the second annual holiday-time review of federal lobbying records by the Center for Responsive Politics, once again all the gifts in the “12 Days of Christmas” song can lay claim to federal lobbyists backing them.

But access to these marvels is going to cost you.

Let’s say you pick up the bills for what each group spends on lobbying in order to get access to your gift item. And we’ll further assume you can get a daily rate, instead of paying a quarterly fee, which we’ll calculate based on the fact that there were 273 days between Jan. 1 and Sept. 30 — the end of the third quarter and the date of the most recent lobbying reports.

The California Pear Growers reported $10,000 in lobbying expenditures during the first three quarters of 2010, for $37 a day.

Not too bad. To be true to the song, though, you’ll need the pear growers’ group every day for 12 days.

And 12 days at $37 a day equals $440.

By that same logic, hiring the American Symphony Orchestra League for a dozen of their drummers will cost a one-time fee of $183.

For some nobility with a mean jump shot, try the lords of the National Basketball Association. You’ll need their services for three days, and at $256 per day, you’ll be out a total of $769.

And your wallet will take the biggest hit getting your hands on the gold for those five rings. The National Mining Association invested about $3.6 million in lobbying between January and September.

Since you’ll need its help for eight days at $13,115 per day, that’ll be $104,916.

Meanwhile, the United Association of Plumbers and Pipefitters (pipe, pipers!) can be retained for $1,099 per day, and the Dairy Farmers of America, the voice for those maids-a-milking, will cost about twice that: $2,597 per day.

You’ll be out just $37 per day for the the American Alliance for Health, Physical Education, Recreation and Dance — a group that advocates for ladies dancing. The bill for four days of its services comes out to $147.

Other poultry-related interests — the National Chicken Council, an ardent supporter of French hens, and the United Egg Producers, who have a special place in their heart for geese-a-laying — will cost $1,758 per day and $147 per day, respectively.

All told, $156,510 can buy you 12 days of influence for everything from drummers to pear trees.

(Faithful readers of OpenSecrets Blog may recall that last year, we tried out a slightly different way of putting a price tag on the carol’s bounteous booty. We’ve altered our methodology this year, so the two years shouldn’t be compared.)

And just remember: while giving your true love every item in the “12 Days of Christmas” song may cost a pretty penny, keeping these groups on retainer every day of the year costs even more.

These dozen trade associations and other entities have spent about $5.8 million on lobbying during the first three quarters of 2011 alone, according to the Center’s calculations.