Thursday afternoon, the freak show that is the Republican primary race came to its conclusion when Newt Gingrich declared himself the party's nominee.
This news sent an electromagnetic pulse through the field—knocking the Cain Train off the tracks, and forcing Mitt Romney to recalibrate all of his positions.
Oblivious to the world around them, Rick Perry vowed to continue fighting for the vote of every 21-year-old well past Election Day, and Michele Bachmann promised to close the non-existent US embassy in Iran.
Meanwhile, at the White House, the response to Gingrich's ascendancy was muted.
But at schools around the country, really poor children loudly cheered at the prospect of being made to clean up after their more affluent classmates, and in doing so, learn the value of an honest day's work.
Morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Obama Campaign Senior Adviser David Axelrod; RNC Chair Reince Prebius; Roundtable: Joe McQuaid (New Hampshire Union Leader), Katty Kay (BBC), Former Rep. Harold Ford, Jr. (D-TN) and Mark Halperin (TIME).
Face the Nation: RNC Chair Reince Prebius; Former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs; Roundtable: John Dickerson (CBS News), Norah O'Donnell (CBS News), Nancy Cordes (CBS News) and Mike Allen (Politico).
This Week: Former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA); Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA); Actress Angelina Jolie; Roundtable: George Will (Washington Post), Democratic Strategist Donna Brazile, Arianna Huffington (Huffington Post) and Major Garrett (National Journal).
Fox News Sunday: Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN); Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND); Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK); Roundtable: Byron York (Washington Examiner), Mara Liasson (NPR), Former RNC Chair Ed Gillespie and Kirsten Powers (New York Post).
State of the Union: Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX); Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN); Sen. John McCain (R-AZ); Former CBO Director Alice Rivlin; Former CBO Director Douglas Holtz-Eakin; Ron Brownstein (National Journal); Reliable Sources: George Washington University Professor Steve Roberts; Jennifer Rubin (Washington Post); Radio Host Bill Press; Mike Wise (Washington Post); Jason Whitlock (FoxSports.com); Vince Doria (ESPN).
The Chris Matthews Show: Joe Klein (TIME); Helene Cooper (New York Times); Gillian Tett (Financial Times); John Heilemann (New York Magazine).
Fareed Zakaria GPS: Former Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou; Former Director of Policy Planning at the State Department Anne-Marie Slaughter; Political Scientist Ian Bremmer; Gideon Rose (Council on Foreign Relations); Nile Gardiner (Heritage Foundation); American-Pakistani Businessman Mansoor Ijaz.
Up with Chris Hayes: Former Chief Economist to Vice President Biden Jared Bernstein; Katrina Vanden Heuvel (The Nation); Rev. Sam Rodriguez; Former Head of the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services Don Berwick; Professional Fire Fighters of Wisconsin President Mahlon Mitchell.
Evening lineup:
60 Minutes will feature: an interview with singer Michael Bublé (preview); and, interviews with two whistleblowers whose warnings to their companies about fraudulent and substandard mortgages were ignored.
On Comedy Central:
Jon Stewart discovered that Mitt Romney has been unfaithful to himself over the years.
The Daily Show
Monday: Photojournalist Ben Lowry
Tuesday: Actor Jonah Hill
Wednesday: Actor Ralph Fiennes
Thursday: Former RNC Chair Ed Gillespie
And Stephen Colbert defended Herman Cain against allegations of his own infidelity.
The Colbert Report
Monday: NASCAR Driver Jimmie Johnson
Tuesday: Band The Black Keys
Wednesday: Ballet Dancer David Hallberg
Thursday: Former Lobbyist/Author Jack Abramoff
Elsewhere:
Freedom fighter Michele Bachmann argued that teaching only evolution is a violation of the First Amendment. Or something.
"I think what you're advocating for is censorship on the part of government. So the government would prohibit intelligent design from even the possibility of being taught in questioning the issue of evolution. And if you look at scientists there is not a unanimity of agreement on the origins of life. … Why would we forstall any particular theory? Because I don’t think that even evolutionists, by and large, would say that this is proven fact. They say that this is a theory, as well as intelligent design. So I think the best thing to do is to let all scientific facts on the table, and let students decide."
But wait! There's more:
At a separate campaign event, Bachmann told a high school student who challenged her views on same-sex marriage that teh gays should settle for marrying people of the opposite sex, just like her husband Marcus has done.
We have to give it up for this girl, who really stuck to her guns in a tough room of people who think that marriage should be between one man and one woman. Seriously, Bachmann's stance makes no sense. She claims that gay people have the same rights as everyone else because they're allowed to get married to a member of the opposite sex just like all other Americans. I can do nothing but shake my head at this. Naturally Bachmann refuses to admit that she has been completely outwitted by a kid who isn't even old enough to vote yet, but whatever. We don't keep Michelle around for her sense-making. Crazy-making? Yes.
And speaking of the forbidden love:
Arapahoe County, Colorado's former GOP "Sheriff of the Year" spent a night in a prison bearing his own name after trading some methamphetamine for gay sex.
Sheriff Robinson said the police had begun an investigation into Mr. Sullivan's activities on Nov. 17 after several individuals alerted the authorities that he might be involved with methamphetamines.
The investigation led the police to a home on Tuesday where they say Mr. Sullivan agreed to provide drugs to a longtime, adult male associate, in exchange for sex. He was taken into custody without incident, Sheriff Robinson said.
According to a probable cause statement filed in court on Wednesday morning, two confidential informants told police they had engaged in sexual activity with Mr. Sullivan before, in exchange for methamphetamines or cash.
Now that's what I call being caught between a rock and a hard place.
- Trix