Valentine's Day: Planning to pop the question? If it doesn't work out, who keeps the ring?

Thinking about popping the question on Valentine’s Day? 

It is one of the most romantic holidays of the year and one of the most popular days for couples to get engaged.

Americans spent an average of $6,351 on engagement rings in 2017, according to The Knot’s 2017 Real Weddings Study.

That’s no small chunk of change.

But despite the best of intentions, not all engagements lead to marriage. About a quarter-million engagements don’t end in marriage, according to a 2013 study by The Wedding Report.

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So, if the engagement is broken off and the couple doesn’t get married, who gets to keep the bling?

Different answers in different states

In general, a ring is considered a gift. The law requires three elements of gift giving, according to legal information provider Findlaw: The intent to give it as a gift, the actual giving of the gift, and the receiver's acceptance of the gift.

But an engagement ring generally also comes with the condition of the promise to get married. 

"It is the difference between the ring as consideration for the promise to get married as opposed to the ring as a 'gift', as gift is defined in the law," said Anita M. Ventrelli, senior partner at Schiller, DuCanto & Fleck. The Chicago law firm specializes in divorce and family law. 

"In the case of the ring as consideration for the promise to marry, if one does not perform on the promise to marry, one is not entitled to keep the consideration," she said.

The majority of states take this approach, and the ring is returned to the gifter if there is no wedding, according to research conducted by WP Diamonds, an online buyer of diamonds, jewelry and watches. 

WP Diamonds spoke with leading divorce attorneys in every state to find out what the law required in the case of a broken engagement and in a divorce, said Ella Morgan, head of marketing at WP Diamonds. 

The research, conducted in the fourth quarter of 2017, cites 26 states, including Arizona, Florida, Illinois and New York, as following that approach in the case of a broken engagement. 

But some states also take fault into consideration and look at who broke the engagement. In those states, the person that breaks off the engagement loses the ring. Alabama, Alaska, Kentucky, Massachusetts and New Hampshire are among those states, according to WP Diamonds' research.

Montana is an interesting exception: That state considers the engagement ring an unconditional gift. The ring is kept by the recipient, even if the marriage never occurs and no matter who broke the engagement.

Once the marriage occurs, most states view the gifting of the ring as complete. In the event of a divorce, the recipient of the ring is entitled to keep the gift.

However, a handful of states consider the ring as marital property once the marriage occurs and the value of the ring would be split in a divorce just like all other marital property.

The bottom line: While it may not feel romantic, it's probably not a bad idea to consult a lawyer in your state if you're planning to drop a ton of money on a ring before you pop the question.

But what is the proper thing to do? 

While the law varies on who is entitled to keep the ring, from an etiquette standpoint it is generally considered good manners to return the ring if the engagement is called off. 

That is especially true if the ring is a family heirloom and has sentimental value, said Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post.

"Personal feelings are what is going to direct you," Post said. The question the recipient of the ring should ask, she said, is: "How much do you want to hang onto a ring that is a promise that you are never going to enact?"