What to Do When Your Kid Is 'the New Kid'

At the end of third grade, my parents announced they had bought a new house. I didn't think too much of it because it was in a neighborhood less than a mile away—and the new house had a pool. It was so close to our old house that my mom didn't even have to change grocery stores. So imagine my surprise at the news that our new house was zoned for a different school district. I was going to be the new kid in school.

Overcome with fear and anxiety, I cried hysterically. There was too much change happening at once—a new house, a new baby sister, and now a new school. I begged and pleaded with my parents to find a way that I could attend fourth grade at my old school, but alas. I ultimately had no choice.

That was a good 37ish years ago. Even though I adjusted fine—and my best friend to this day is still the first friend I made at my new school—the shock and trauma of dealing with such a jarring change still stings.

Amy Mezulis, MD, co-founder and chief clinical officer of Joon, understands my reaction—and the reaction of most children starting a new school. "Even if children anticipated the change, even if they desired the change, it is still a change—and change can be scary and hard," she explains. "And if your child didn't anticipate the change or is not eager to change schools, the transition will be even more difficult. But how you handle it as a parent can soften the blow and smooth that transition."

As soon as you know your child will be attending a new school, you should share the news—with as much honesty as possible. "Buried beneath the actual decision of changing schools is what your child is learning about how their parents handle big decisions and hard news," explains Dr. Mezulis. "Experiencing their parents being honest and forthcoming will maintain their trust in you in having their best interests at heart in the long run."

In most cases, being the new kid won't be easy. But there are things you can do to help your child get comfortable with the idea. Here are expert tips to make the transition go smoothly, not just for your child but for you, too.

Open the Lines of Communication

Encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns about transitioning to a new school. It's normal to feel anxious, so let them know that their feelings are valid and that you understand.

"Encourage your child to talk about their worries and reassure them that you're there to support them every step of the way, offering empathy and understanding," suggests author and phobia specialist Christopher Paul Jones. "Share stories of your own experiences that you may have as the 'new kid' to let them know they're not alone."

Dr. Mezulis recommends asking questions so you can dig deeper and understand what your child is most anxious about. "That will also give you some clues as to what can be managed versus what must be tolerated," she says. "Then work with your child to make a plan. Ask them what they need to feel more prepared for their first day. Acknowledge that you can't make the change itself go away, but ask what you can do to improve the transition for them."

Provide Closure

Saying goodbye to the old school is an important piece of the transition. Leave it up to your child if they want to tell their friends and teachers that they're changing schools or if they want you to spearhead sharing the news. Then make your plans to say goodbye.

"Are there specific teachers they want to give a last hug to? Do they want a last walk through the halls?" asks Dr. Mezulis. "Also, consider a special event or keepsake to mark the occasion. Some kids may enjoy a farewell party with their friends. Some kids may refuse any public acknowledgment, but would cherish a scrapbook of pictures or memories from their school."

Do Your Research

Take some time—with your child—to explore the new school's website and familiarize yourselves with its rules, curriculum, systems, policies, and routines.

"Discuss this information with your child, and answer or research any questions they may have about the school's protocols," says Jones. "This will help them to feel more prepared and can also give them an idea of what to expect.

Find Community

Shana Westlake's kids were entering kindergarten and third grade when they moved from Maryland to New York in 2021, right before the new school year started. She credits joining the PTA as a saving grace.

"Learning the school culture and getting to know other parents helped a ton, because integrating into a community is a full family endeavor," she says. "Pay attention to the events and go to as many as possible. The PTA is motivated to create that school culture, so things like family fun nights and fundraisers are an opportunity to do that."

Westlake made it a point to pick her kids up from school a few times a week because it provided an opportunity to see her children interacting with other kids and get to know their parents. "I have collected many phone numbers to set up playdates and send birthday invites because I'm there at pickup," she says.

Westlake also recommends joining your new school's—or surrounding community's—Facebook groups for parents. "It's the best place to ask questions and find out about events," she says.

And perhaps you'll make some new friends of your own, too.

Role Play

As the first week at a new school looms, role playing about what the first day might be like with your child can be really helpful.

Jody LeVos, Phd, Chief Learning Officer at Begin, suggests using dolls, action figures, or stuffed animals to create a classroom, circle time area, or even an outdoor play area. "Allow your child to practice how they might introduce themselves to new friends, how they might raise their hand if they have a question, or how they might sit next to others during story time," Dr. LeVos suggests. "You can do this before their first day, and repeat it afterwards once your child knows some of the new rules and routines as a way to practice them in the safety of their own home."

Dr. LeVos also recommends doing something special together ahead of the first day to make the transition feel positive, such as picking out a new backpack or getting a haircut. "Use the time as an opportunity for your child to ask you questions, voice any fears they may have, or just take their mind off things and bond with you," she suggests.

Make the First Day Feel Special

The first day at a new school is a big deal and Dr. Mezulis says the best way to honor it will depend on your child's age and personality.

"Some kids would love a special breakfast, a 'Happy First Day' card, and lots of pictures. Others would prefer to keep it very low-key, to avoid too much attention or pressure," she says. "Whatever you choose, make sure it matches what will help your specific child get out of the house on the right foot for their big day. If your child hates attention, dislikes the fuss of pictures, or doesn't want to 'make a big deal of it', try to respect that on this first day."

Overall, most children will do best with a calm, planned day—clothes picked out the night before, a breakfast they typically like and their school bag packed and ready to go.

And personal touches are always a hit. Chaunie Marie Brusie's kids switched to public school after years of attending a very small private school. She bought each of her three daughters matching bracelets so they could wear them the first days and weeks as they adjusted.

"I told them anytime they felt sad or worried, they could look down and remember that I was thinking of them and would be there when they got home!" she says. "It helped me to wear my own matching bracelet and know we had some connection through the day—because I was a nervous wreck!"

Let Friendships Bloom Naturally

In other words, don't push your child into making new friends. At all ages, kids make friends in naturalistic settings. This may be in the neighborhood, in classes, or in activities such as sports, clubs, or community groups.

"The best thing your child can do to be successful in their new school is simply to participate; the rest will follow in due time," says Dr. Mezulis.

Work with your child to identify at least one new activity at the school that they can join. There may be an obvious fit for the active go-getter, but for the shyer or more reserved child it may take a week or two to identify the best option.

"If your child really resists, consider negotiating with them on a trial period," suggests Dr. Mezulis. "They agree to try one new activity for, say, four weeks and if they still hate it after that you'll consider letting them change it."

Practice Patience

Dr. Mezulis understands that it's hard for parents to watch their kids struggle, but it takes time to adjust to a new environment. "We want to make sure our own anxiety over a new school transition doesn't impact our child's anxiety," she says. "You know your child best: Is your child a slow-to-warm up child who needs to observe first and act later, or is your child an active go-getter who will be excited to join lots of new activities? If the former, try hard to be patient. It may take several months for them to feel comfortable and connect with people."

Dr. LeVos concurs that making new friends can be daunting no matter what age. "Rehearse introduction lines such as, 'Hi! My name is Stella and I'm 6 years old. I love basketball. Nice to meet you!' Hearing you say those lines and encouraging your child to say them to everyone in the family—and maybe to all their stuffed animals too—can help to make them feel natural and easy to remember."

It is important to remember that most research shows children need about two months to settle in socially, academically, and behaviorally to a new school.

"If, after that time, there are still struggles with mood, behavior, or social isolation, you might consider some professional support," Dr. Mezulis recommends. "Therapists and school counselors have a lot of experience helping children and teens with adjustment problems."