Kiddie Etiquette with a Kick

Etiquette often falls by the wayside these days when it comes to children’s parties, leading only to complications and hassles. But parents can take control of this — and teach their children right from wrong at the same time.

In the preschool and kindergarten years, kids begin socializing with other kids outside the family circle — for the first time, in many cases — bringing with it some new party-planning “situations.” Does every guest need a goodie bag? Did I forget to invite the child’s siblings? What do I do about the family that will be late — do I hold the cake until they arrive?

Related: Etiquette Excellence for Kids

While there’s no formula for the perfect soirée and so much depends on your family and your goals for your child’s special day, here are some tips to avoid serious party-planning fails — and to help teach your children the etiquette they’ll need for a lifetime.

1.) Set an RSVP deadline — it will help you more than you realize.
To make the planning process easier, always include an RSVP deadline on your invitation via either Evite, email, text, phone, or a return envelope. The more options you give people, the more RSVPs you will get.

Or not! Many guests forget to RSVP altogether — or just don’t. This leaves the party-planning parents to guess the number of guests attending, or worse — to spend an unnecessary amount of time calling those who are not considerate enough to respond.

A friend of mine hosted a private tea party for her daughter at an exclusive restaurant in Aspen, Colorado. One mother and her daughter showed up on the day of the party without having RSVPed — and they were denied entrance because there was no seating left in the private dining room. This caused unbelievable friction between my friend and the mother.

Despite what you tell them, some parents may still show up with their entire family.

Avoid putting “regrets only” on the invitation. Request that people respond at least two weeks before the party.

On the flip side, if your child has been invited to a party, make sure you RSVP as soon as possible — within a week at least. If your initial plan changes and your child can’t attend, quickly contact the host so that food and party favors can be allocated to someone else.

2.) Be specific with your guest list.
Include the name of the invited guest on the invitation. This is one way to avoid the all-too-common question: “Are siblings welcome?”

Online invites are tricky since they don’t always allow senders to specify an invitee. In those cases, a quick email or text with “I’m glad Sarah can attend Max’s party!” can spare the awkwardness later on. Keep in mind, though, that some parents may still show up with their entire family.

Related: Why Disney is Fighting Parents

If a parent challenges you and insists on bringing a sibling, simply say something apologetic like, “If I allow Jenny’s brother to attend, I will have to let everyone else’s sibling attend and I just don’t have enough food and prizes for everyone. I’m so sorry.”

Never assume your child’s brother or sister is invited when RSVPing to a party — always ask if you’re not sure.

If you host a party and don’t mind a crowd, just include a simple note on the invitation saying, “Siblings welcome!”

3.) Inquire about allergies and special diets.
Some children can’t tolerate gluten, peanuts, dairy products, and other allergens, which makes it necessary to serve a variety of foods.

I once witnessed a child at a party who had such severe food allergies his mother had to bring his own food. Simply asking the parents for their child’s allergies helps avoid endangering a child’s life.

If you’re the parent of a child who has food sensitivities, be courteous and let your hosts know ahead of time so they can make the necessary arrangements.

4.) Don’t overdo it!
Skip some stress — and save cash — by focusing on the party details your child will notice and remember.

Establish a realistic budget when party-planning and stick to it. This will dictate how many people get invited, how much food to order, what activities to include, and more. Pick a theme — but don’t go overboard with decorations. Kids either completely ignore them, or they look at them for a few seconds and forget about them.

Related: The Gift of No-Gift Birthday Parties

When in doubt, keep it simple — this is about your child, not about impressing other parents with an over-the-top birthday bash. Also, keep in mind that your child may always have high expectations if you set the bar too high the first time and throw an extravagant party.

You may want to delete the bounce house, band, backyard water slide, clown, face-painter, hula girls, pony rides, petting zoo, and DJs. One or two main activities, with a quieter option such as crafting or coloring, can be festive without feeling over-the-top.

By only including entertainment that can reasonably fit into a two-hour party, your guests will stick to a timeline and not overextend their welcome.

5.) Skip those silly goodie bags.
The last thing most parents want is more sugar that will keep their child wired long after the party is over. Save their sanity and save some money for yourself while you’re at it.

If you enjoy giving party favors, consider giving a copy of your child’s favorite book, or some other educational gift. A party favor that promotes the love of literacy can be passed down, shared, and appreciated for years.

6.) Don’t forget the thank-you notes.
Show your appreciation with a handwritten thank-you note. You may have the responsibility to write and send the notes of gratitude if your child is too young. This will leave a lasting impression and teach your child good etiquette skills for a lifetime.

If your child is old enough to write them, teach him to send a note to each and every guest who attends the party, whether they gave a gift or not.

These suggestions may seem out-of-habit for you, but you’ll find that they make your life a whole lot easier.

Jacqueline Whitmore is an international etiquette expert, a bestselling author, and the founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach.