Do You Know The Four Pillars of Attraction?

Growing up I always had the idea that I had a vocation to the priesthood, so I never dated in high school or college. I was determined to give the Lord the first choice. If He wanted me, I would be a priest, if not, I would get married. Eventually, I discerned that I did not have a vocation and after I left seminary, I was resolved to date and find that special woman.

My dating life post seminary was awkward mostly because I was awkward and unattractive. I had avoided the dating scene for my entire teenage and young adult life, and didn't really know what I was doing. I assumed that dating was similar to making friends since I was looking for the woman that will be my close friend and companion through life's journey. I assumed that friendship would just naturally evolve and become the romantic relationship that the movies are so good at portraying.

But I was wrong, dating is more than just making a close friend. Dating is more than attracting a suitable companion that will be your helpmate to heaven. Dating is about building and fostering that special relationship that will keep you attracted to your spouse regardless of life’s struggles.

The Mystery of Attraction

So, what is attraction? Attraction is simply building an intrigue or curiosity about yourself, and this curiosity isn’t necessarily romantic. Attraction makes you become approachable. When you are attractive, you spark a curiosity in a potential mate and that person feels comfortable enough to to approach you and explore that curiosity.

First impressions are king when it comes to attraction. Before you even open your mouth you are building attraction or a curiosity about yourself. Attraction is certainly built by your physical appearance but also by your body language, your beliefs, and your overall persona.

Caveat Lector: Attractiveness is a two sided coin and both sides must be polished. Both physical attractiveness and interior beauty must be fostered in every Christian lest we become like the pharisees whom Christ accused of being “whitewashed tombs” (Mt. 23:27).

We do not want to work on our physical attractiveness to the detriment of our interior beauty and vice versa. Both are necessary to being an integral human person. In this article, I will focus on developing physical attractiveness.

There are four key components to building physical attraction in a dating relationship. Some, you have control over and can change or improve upon, while others were given to you by God and and you are going to have to work within those God-given parameters. What are these four components to building attraction?

1. Static Qualities

Your static qualities are given to you by God and are things you cannot change about yourself.  These static qualities are generally physical like our height, eye color, hair color, body build, etc. Growing up my mother used to exhort me to eat my spinach to grow big and tall and strong. Sadly no matter how much spinach I eat these days, I’m stuck at 5'7"!

While you can’t change some of your physical attributes, you can maximize the features that the Lord gave you by caring for the body that the Lord gave you. Am I getting enough sleep at night or living off coffee? Am I exercising enough despite my desk job? Am I eating healthy foods or filling myself with garbage processed foods? “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you?" (1 Cor. 6:19).

I’ve read many profiles of ladies who say that looks don’t matter. Guys, it's just not true. Looks do matter because they tell a lot about yourself. Men who take care of themselves have a positive outlook on life and are more attractive. And ladies, looks are very important for guys too. Guys are wired differently than women and we are attracted by the physical appearances of women. It doesn't necessarily make us shallow, it's just who we are.

We can make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex simply by caring for ourselves, or at least looking like we care for ourselves.

2. Body Language

The second component of attraction is our body language. The way we carry ourselves tells a lot about how we view ourselves.

Someone who is sad or anxiety-filled might be walking around with slumped shoulders and a frown.

While someone who is filled with joy or confidence is walking straight, with squared shoulders and head held high. They might even have a smile. Unlike our physical features, our body language is definitely something that we can improve upon to help build attraction.

Try walking around with a smile for a day and tell me in the comment section what reaction you received. Did you become more approachable...dare I say, more attractive?

3. Self Presentation

Your style and self presentation express who you are. I am personally a man who has many styles and different looks. Some days and in some circumstances I am total hipster. I have the trimmed beard, black rimmed glasses, and a nicely pressed seersucker suit. Other days (particularly in the fall during hunting season) I dress like a mountain man, wearing my woodland camo and boots. When I am teaching a class, I look more professorial with my tweed coat and elbow patches.  I encompass all these different attitudes, and I dress the part.

Showcase your body and personality with an appropriate fashion. Make sure that your clothes are properly fitting and they reflect who you are. Make sure that your presentation is genuine, and don't be someone you are not.

4. Surroundings and Circumstances

If a guy or gal is to be attracted to you, they need to be able to see you first. The surroundings and circumstances we place ourselves in is important. Am I going out and trying to meet new people? Am I hanging out with good Catholic friends? Am I spending time at church and trying to plug into to my parish community?

I heard it once said, “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future." But, you may wonder, what if my surroundings stink? I’m not the kind of person that enjoys the typical singles city nightlife. What if I live in a rural small town where there are more cows than people? The online dating scene and CatholicMatch can help with that. Set up a profile and keep your account active. Upload current pictures and update your info regularly.

Being attractive is about being approachable and being approachable is something that all of us can be. So chin-up, put on a smile, and be attractive!