Xploding Unicorn: Dads don't need a special day to remind them they're dads
I'm not a big fan of Father's Day. Or of any other holiday for that matter. Any time I could get in trouble for not appreciating someone or for not feeling appreciated enough, I'd rather skip the whole thing and take a nap. That’s how you know I'm a dad.
I can’t speak for all dads — although that won't stop me from trying — but I think most of us would be happier if Father's Day didn't exist. Any time an arbitrary date on the calendar is designated as a “special” occasion, the odds of someone's feelings being hurt go way, way up. Those feelings won't be ours, of course. Most guys traded their emotions for mud flaps and golf clubs when we first crawled out of caves. But the people around us still have feelings, and they'll be crushed if we don't show the proper amount of excitement when we unwrap our fourth set of nose hair trimmers.
For every Father's Day, there's a Mother's Day, and it comes first. Woe unto you, fellow dad, if what you did for her doesn't live up to what she did for you. You'll have eleven months to stew over your failures.
Luckily, my wife is almost as indifferent to special occasions as I am. We set that precedent back in our dating days when we stopped giving each other gifts. She recognized early on that exchanging presents was a pointless triviality. Either that or she figured out I was terrible at it and abandoned the whole thing so I wouldn't let her down year after year. Nobody wants annually scheduled disappointment.
Even if I did get a Father’s Day gift, I wouldn't know what to do with it. Take that hallowed Father’s Day staple: the tie. The last time I wore one, I had to look up how to tie it on YouTube. In my line of work, I don't need one. I barely need pants, but I wear them anyway so I don't emotionally scar my kids.
I could also do without Father's Day artwork. I don't need my kids to dedicate drawings to me. I assume I inspire all their art anyway. All that existential angst has to come from somewhere. As for more substantial gifts like clay pottery, it’s not like I can eat ice cream out of it. That lumpy bowl will just end up in a glass cabinet until someone throws it out at my estate sale. My kids tried to make me a gift, but what they really created was a monument to themselves. A monument to me wouldn’t be a small bowl. It would be a 50-foot tall bronze statue of me riding a T. rex. Not that I've thought about it or anything.
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I'm not a curmudgeon on every special occasion. I make a big deal out of Christmas and my kids’ birthdays, but those have a utilitarian purpose: they're the two days a year my kids get new toys. It's very important that their gifts be confined to those days. That way when they ask me for whatever toy they just saw on a commercial, I can say “yes” two days a year and “no” the other 363. Or 364 if it's a leap year.
Dads don't need a day to remind us we’re dads. Our high blood pressure and receding hairlines do that. We also don't need gifts to let us know you appreciate us. We just assume you do. And if you don't, well, we'd rather not know. That sounds like the kind of thing that might require a family meeting, and that might interfere with watching sports.
In fact, if you appreciate us too much, we dads aren't doing our jobs. Most of being a dad is just being blamed for all the problems in our kids’ lives. If your children aren't using you as a scapegoat anymore, they've probably replaced you with a manlier father figure they saw on TV. Don't feel bad. Cookie Monster has a better job than you. And more chest hair.
Even if I wanted to make a big deal out of Father’s Day, I wouldn't have anything to ask for. My wife already gave me the greatest gift of all: our four beautiful children. I wrote that statement of my own free will and not because my wife is standing directly behind me. Also, I'm definitely not blinking S.O.S.
But what do I know? I'm just the dad who thought Father's Day was last week.
Follow James Breakwell on Twitter (@XplodingUnicorn) or Facebook (Facebook.com/ExplodingUnicorn).