Dear Liz,
I admire your outlook and you give great advice! I could use some today. I had my annual "not performance review" with my boss Gina.
Gina is the Business Development Director for our company. I'm a Senior Account Manager.
I'm the only Senior Account Manager our company has. I've been working with our clients for ten years while the business has grown. Gina got here two years ago and for the most part we get along, or probably more accurately stay out of each other's way.
She invites each of her direct reports to an annual "not performance review" dinner and it's not a bad idea. Gina says that it's not a performance review and that she expects us to critique her performance as a leader as much as she critiques us.
Gina doesn't realize that she does not operate like a leader.
She doesn't have a vision, she doesn't make plans and she doesn't communicate.
Honestly I don't really know what she does. She spends a lot of time in meetings. She doesn't have her own accounts -- I understand that.
I would expect someone in her role to mentor and help the five of us who work in Business Development, but that's not what Gina does.
We went to dinner and Gina said "You already know what you're getting for a raise, so we don't need to talk about that."
I appreciate the fact that our annual pay bumps are handled separately from our performance reviews, but all I got was an email message from Payroll that told me what I'm going to be paid for the next year. Gina never mentioned it.
Gina said "You know what you're doing, so I don't need to give you a lot of feedback." I asked her if we could dig into the 2016 planning process early and get a jump on it. I asked her about the new strategic partnerships we've been trying to roll out for two years.
She had very little to say on those topics but she said "I'd love to see you take a more active role in training the newer members of the team."
That's when I gave Gina some unsolicited leadership advice. I didn't mean to. It just popped out. First, she labels this dinner "not a performance review" and then gives me performance feedback although she has no idea what I do.
Then, she tells me that she'd like me to take our two most junior employees under my wing, although I have literally never seen her talking to either one of those employees privately. She also doesn't meet with them together.
Our whole team meets once a month and Gina gives Pawel and Marta no special attention at all. I am trying to help them but they are basically training themselves.
"I'm confused," I said. "I spend hours every week with Marta and Pawel, our two newest members. I'm always available to everyone who has questions. Your office door is closed. You are their actual boss.
"You are the person charged with developing them. I have accounts to manage. You don't. You are Marta's and Pawel's direct manager. You hired them and I haven't seen you talk to either one of them since.
I would be happy to collaborate with you on training plans for both of them, but I'm not going to take that on myself with no support and no extra compensation."
Gina asked a reasonable question. She asked me "Why are you so angry?"
I said "I am upset because you delegate your job away and don't seem to even know it. I don't feel that I am following a leader. I know my job, but I could still use someone to encourage me from time to time or dig into account situations with me.
"I don't get that support from you, and now you're asking me to be a mentor to Marta and Pawel? I know so much more about both of them than you do."
Gina said "Well, maybe you should be their manager, then." She didn't seem angry but she seemed very sad. The rest of the dinner was bleak. The next morning, Gina acted like nothing had happened.
My partner Grace said "If Gina were going to fire you, she would have done it already" but I'm not so sure. Sometimes people can lie in wait. I'm sorry if that sounds melodramatic but Gina is not a straight shooter.
Was I wrong to speak up? What should I do now?
Thanks,
Katherine
Dear Katherine,
My question is "What can you learn from this?" I imagine by now you've had the "Aha!" that in the future, you may want to address your burning issues before angry words start popping out of your mouth unbidden. Most of us feel that way at times!
You may not have been aware that your resentment of Gina's management style was building up, until it came shooting out of your mouth. The question "Was I right or wrong to speak?" is not a useful question in my book.
You had pent-up feelings and they came out, so that's good. The way your feelings burst forth at dinner was probably not what you would have hoped for, but I believe in naming the elephant in the room whenever possible and you certainly did that.
Whatever your feelings toward Gina, I give her credit for asking you "Why so angry?" rather than playing the Boss Card right there at the table and slapping you down.
What's most interesting for me in your story, however, is Gina's observation "Maybe Pawel and Marta should work for you."
Maybe Gina doesn't want to be a manager at all. She certainly doesn't seem to take to leadership naturally. She may have no more support in her job than Pawel and Marta have had in theirs.
In any difficult situation it is useful to ask "Why am I here? Why did I choose this training ground?"
You opted to stay in your job when Gina arrived and you stuck it out a full year after your initial "not performance review" dinner.
You tolerated Gina's hands-off management ways and didn't speak up about the problem. It is important for you to own the situation you're in.
That's when you will open yourself up to seeing new possibilities that can relieve the tension that's been building.
Maybe you really should become Marta's and Pawel's boss. That was a brave thing for Gina to say, especially if her role rests on her management of your Business Development team. I think Gina confessed herself to you at dinner.
I think she was saying "I don't know what I'm doing. if you can take any parts of this job description away from me, I'll be grateful."
The dust-up with Gina is a nudge back on your path. Now is a great time for you to ask "What do I want to do with the rest of my career?"
Gina has nothing to do with your decision. You can stay or go, take a bigger role in your company or do something entirely different.
We tend to create bad guys and bogeyman to shield ourselves from having to look in the mirror and take responsibility for our choices. Gina with all her faults makes a great villain, but now that she has showed you a bit of her vulnerability, you can let her off the hook and go back to focusing on the central question "What do I want for myself?"
All the best,
Liz
