It was a boy's name first.
One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.
When I was a boy, I delivered newspapers on my bicycle at 64 below. The worst part is, I wanted to impress the girls, so I had to look good. I couldn't wear a hat with earflaps. I had to sport the wave. So I'd put some water through my hair and push that wave up over my forehead. Then I'd step outside and splicccchhh -- it would freeze.
On the Arctic Circle, where I grew up, laughter is part of the food of the day. Nobody wants to hear you say, "Gee, it's really cold."
There are many lessons my father gave me. But there was one that always stuck with me: He said to me, "Just remember, never say 'That is.' Say 'That's.'"
If you're going fishing, make sure you don't bring your sperm-whale line with you. A sperm whale goes down to twenty-five hundred feet and can hold its breath for eighty minutes.
Even if you did catch a sperm whale, when you put it in the boat, he'd sink it.
It took me a long time to realize that I came from a dysfunctional family. But, you know, at least I had the revelation.
I remember as a young man seeing Death of a Salesman, with Lee J. Cobb. When the play was over, nobody in the audience moved. All you could hear was a little sniffling. The silence was just overwhelming. It was a remarkable demonstration of the power of the theater. I'll never forget that. Never.
Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.
There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.
I have a fart machine that I usually bring with me. I was at a bar once, going down toward the john, and these two guys were in a confrontation and things were getting a little dicey. As I got in between the two of them, I said, "Where's the john? Is it straight back there?" Fffffhpppppffffft. Well, these guys look at each other and then look at me, and they both start laughing. Fight was over.
People ask me, "What would you like to be remembered by?" It really doesn't make any difference. I've done Airplane!, three Naked Guns, Wrongfully Accused, and Dracula: Dead and Loving It. The way I look at it, I've built my own little pyramid and it's gonna be around for as long as people have eyes to see.
You can't be a cop and survive well without a sense of humor.
I've been honored by many police departments, but this story sort of sums it up: I was playing in a celebrity golf tournament with presidents. Clinton was there. Ford and Carter. We're going around as foursomes. There was a stall. I come up with the cart, and this guy walks over, stops directly in front of me, stands at attention, and says, "Ten-hut!" And then he salutes me.
When you're signing an autograph, there are people who want to give you directions. "Will you please write 'Don't call me Shirley'?" When there are a lot of people waiting, people should understand that it takes twice as long.
What happened was that I left my daughter with four friends who were sunbathing by the pool. I said, "Hey, keep your eyes on Maura." She must've been six years old at the time. Well, they started talking. I cross the yard, go up these stairs, and see her at the bottom of the pool. You react instantly. I remember diving into that pool and grabbing her. She spluttered when she came up, so she wasn't drowning. She hadn't been down for that long. After I knew she was okay, two feelings ran through me: I was livid at my friends for not watching her. And, not that I was a hero or anything, but it felt really good to know that without even thinking, I would do anything to save her. The feeling that I had when it occurred is no different than it is now at the thought of it.
I don't like oceans, because you can't see the other side.
The whole trial was about reasonable doubt. My take is, I have a reasonable doubt that no one but O.J. could have done it.
I remember a buddy from the police department was gonna open up the car door to get out, and he pushed against it but it didn't fully open. I thought, He's maybe ten years older than I am. Jesus Christ, is that what they call getting old?
The reason there's a question mark on my front door is just in case I forget my address.
Living in Fort Lauderdale makes me feel like I'm always on vacation.
I can't be around Barbaree without being aware of her love. I remember one time Barbaree looked at me and said, "Are you aware how much I love you?" And I said, "Well, I have some idea." She said, "Do you know, if anything at all should happen to you, I think I would kill myself." There was a long pause. Then she said, "How do you feel?" I'll never forget that one.
I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.
Originally published in the April 2008 issue
