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As Valentine’s Day approaches, many men feel pressure to send the flowers, buy the jewelry, arrange and pay for the nice dinner while you seem to hear much less about what women need to be doing ahead of this Hallmark holiday. Valentine’s Day seems to be one of those holidays that embodies gender inequality, with men getting the short end of the stick.
The great paradox about gender equality—a term which strikes fear into the hearts of many men—is that gender equality in practice is an amazing gift for women and men alike. What if men could feel less stress – and greater satisfaction – in their lives? What if they could have a better relationship with their spouses and partners, feel more connected to their kids, and learn to be more effective at work all at the same time? They would probably want to know what could catalyze all these positive changes. It turns out gender equality is the answer.
Gender equality gets a bad rap and is highly misunderstood. Too many men – and women – conjure up visions of militant feminists who are anti-men (not true) and anti-family (so not true). They interpret gender equality as a bad deal for men with less of the good stuff, security, flexibility, and time, and more of the bad stuff, pressure, stress, and expectations. It follows that men are not running to sign up for that.
But men hear far too little of the real story about gender equality from those who actually live it. They don’t learn how gender equality translates to greater career flexibility, more financial security, more time for life outside of work, and often a lot more fun. They don’t learn how gender equality brings parents closer together and contributes to a deep satisfaction with the life they are jointly creating.
The catalyst for writing this article was my participation on a research team for a study of millennial fathers. The Boston College Center for Work and Family (BCCWF) began in 2010 to focus on the experience of modern fathers. The New Millennial Dad publication was its seventh publication in The New Dad series. (Click here to download the pdf report.) The fathers we studied worked in professional roles in large corporations.
What we found in the BCCWF study was egalitarian dads – in comparison to fathers in other family situations – felt less pressure and stress, reported higher job satisfaction, and most importantly experienced greater satisfaction in their lives overall.
These results were consistent with research I conducted for my book The Libra Solution, profiling a highly egalitarian approach for couples raising children to manage caregiving and careers. We know that men in more egalitarian marriages are healthier both physically and mentally, live longer, and report higher marital satisfaction. For all the stigma surrounding gender equality, it has much to recommend it for men, and women too.
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Work-Life Integration and Career Stress
Work-life stress is ubiquitous. Women have long struggled in their efforts to combine their professional lives with their responsibilities as parents. In recent years, men’s reported experience of work-life stress has surpassed that of women as they seek to integrate greater involvement at home with a work world that is only beginning to validate their role as parents and caregivers.
In the study of millennial fathers, men were divided into three categories depending on their beliefs and arrangements relative to sharing childcare. Traditional dads did not believe they should, nor did they share care equally with their spouses or partners. Egalitarian fathers, as the name suggests, reported both that they should and that they actually did assume half of the care for their children. Finally, conflicted fathers struggled with the gap between their aspirations and realities. While they reported thinking they should shoulder half of the childcare responsibility, in practice their spouses or partners provided more care.
Among these three groups of fathers, egalitarian dads reported the greatest ease integrating work into their lives. More than twice as many egalitarian dads strongly agreed with the statement “in my current role it’s easy to combine work and personal life” in comparison to fathers in the two other family situations, traditional and conflicted. Fathers who shared equally in caring for their children were less likely to perceive that consistently prioritizing work over family was necessary in order to be favorably regarded by top management or that working more than 50 hours weekly was required for advancement. Egalitarian fathers felt less beholden to organizational norms and more able to shape their work to fit into their lives. Speaking with several fathers to explore how their egalitarian approach influenced their lives helped to illuminate the study results.
Roger Trombley, an engineer with young school-age children described why he felt less career stress, “I don’t need to feel like I’m THE provider for my family and need to get to that next level. The pressure is not all on me. I don’t need to chase that next milestone.”
He found his egalitarian arrangement served him when his company went through major layoffs. Both he and his wife, also an engineer, worked for the same large corporation and knew if one of them was laid off, they could rely on the other’s job for a time. In addition, they both worked on 80% schedules which were counted as a half-head (as were all reduced schedules) for budgeting purposes. Thus Roger and his wife were a great deal for their respective managers, highly skilled and experienced engineers working close to full-time yet using only a fraction of a job from her or his staffing budget.
Sean Romanoff, a former corporate lawyer who stepped out of the workforce when his first child was born, emphasized the power of choice afforded by his egalitarian arrangement, “I was able to hit the reset button (on his career) and not everyone gets to do that.” As he became clear that he no longer desired to practice law, he felt he had the flexibility to step back and figure out his next career steps, while having the life-changing opportunity to be the primary caregiver for his son over three years. During that time Sean’s wife was the primary earner doing a job she loved in advertising. Sean leveraged his strong writing skills to move into communications consulting and training and later when his wife needed a career break, he was able to easily move from a provider to THE provider while she jumpstarted her next career.
It’s a misnomer that men assuming the career primary role – whether his partner works outside the home full-time, part-time or not at all – provides the greatest flexibility. The thinking goes that prioritizing his career enables the family to respond to whatever demands his jobs requires. Thus if the family needs to relocate or he needs to travel extensively or work long hours on a consistent basis, these demands can be accommodated. The hope is this loyalty and focus will be rewarded with regard to money, position, and job security. And it might. But just as often it may not.
What clearly gets compromised for the man with the primary career is work-life flexibility. It follows that as the primary provider, he will be highly reluctant to push back at work. Rather he will seek to be the ideal worker – able to work long hours, be highly responsive and highly accessible – so as to maximize his chance of financial and positional success. Conversely, men in egalitarian situations have greater latitude to define their terms of engagement at work with the knowledge that the risks are far less.
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Read Part Two Here:
The Valentine’s Day Gift for Men that Keeps on Giving: Gender Equality (Part Two)
Men’s experiences of and satisfaction with work and income
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Egalitarianism Si!
Feminism No!
Not eguality that men fear, but the inequality that is currently woven into the very fabric of society, and the consciousness of many women, as a result of feminist one sided discussion laced with misrepresentation. That is what I hear constantly when I speak with men rather than at them. Truth be told that it is men fighting for equality today, and women resisting because men have lost all semblance of formerly held male privilege, but have not shred thread one of the lace curtain, which is why we still endure such “blinders on” discussions We are finding our voice… Read more »
DJ: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I do agree that in many ways men have been silenced and that true equality demands honest discussion and self reflection for both men and women. I hope to be a good listener.
Its interesting that you start off with this, “The great paradox about gender equality—a term which strikes fear into the hearts of many men—is that gender equality in practice is an amazing gift for women and men alike.” and then proceed to not just ignore the sources of that fear but you actually go out of your way to cast the blame for that fear entirely on men as if feminism and women played no part in it. Gender equality gets a bad rap and is highly misunderstood. Too many men – and women – conjure up visions of militant… Read more »
Danny: It’s interesting that you interpret the article as male blaming. That was not at all my intention. I see gender equality as requiring both men and women to co-create norms that value both the masculine and the feminine. In the egalitarian couples I interviewed, I saw mutual appreciation for what the other person brought to the table. As I said above, I hope to be a good listener.
A dog that has been beaten through the entirety of its existence will wince even when a gentle hand is extended. Lots of water has flowed under that bridge.
Exactly DJ. But for some reason the same people that will be quick to chime in and say that the dog’s abusive past is why it winced will turn right around and act like men haven’t had any experiences that would explain why they are not excited about listening to much less embracing femi nism. No those men must be doing something wrong and/or choosing to believe myths because they hate women or something.
I do appreciate that you are working on such an important Lisa. The reason I get a sense of male blaming is because you seem to be of the mind that the only reason men aren’t already on board is because we believe in myths about feminism and have a bad idea about what gender equality is. You don’t acknowledge the negativity that men experience when trying to participate in those conversations and try to do the work needed. You sound like those negative experiences are somehow not “real” in reference to you saying, “But men hear far too little… Read more »
I reviewed the paper you linked to in your article and you are drawing a ton of conclusions from your decision tree that are highly speculative. You start by the labeling of egalitarian on the “is” branch, yet in the spousal care for family, the woman’s response “on the more care” may be the proximate cause for the “is” branch. Where is the mitigation of the “is” as it relates to earning potential of the two partners? Rather than the label “egalitarian” falling out of the sky on the “is” branch, how about a dose of pragmatism regarding earnings and… Read more »
Elissa: Among the egalitarian families (as defined by the father), the mothers are contributing nearly half of the household income so their ability to earn at that level is clear. In the other household structures, this may not be the case.
I am a big believer in gender equality – not just in the workplace, but everywhere.
That is why I reject feminism (which is about gender equality), and embrace egalitarianism (which is).
Most Americans agree. They support equal rights for women, but reject feminism. Gallup does this polling every year.
If you want to take a look at egalitarianism (as opposed to feminism), Reddit is a good start.
Typo: Meant to say feminism (which is NOT about gender equality)…
Pete: I too am a believer in gender equality not just in the workplace but everywhere, especially in the home where often women dictate the rules of engagement. In my book I have a chapter on the self reinforcing cycle of gender exploring how both women and men contribute to maintaining the gendered status quo. I do believe that feminism has been unfairly mischaracterized but also very much support egalitarianism.
The great paradox about gender equality—a term which strikes fear into the hearts of many men—is that gender equality in practice is an amazing gift for women and men alike. What if men could feel less stress – and greater satisfaction – in their lives? What if they could have a better relationship with their spouses and partners, feel more connected to your kids, and learn to be more effective at work all at the same time? They would probably want to know what could catalyze all these positive changes. It turns out gender equality is the answer. Since being… Read more »
Oirish: I don’t disagree that women enjoy certain privileges because of their gender. And I think men too often feel silenced and that they are not allowed to share their true feelings and struggles. As the mother of sons, I so hope they feel from the gender shackles of masculinity that limit their choices and options. I know men and women deeply listening to one another is important and far too rare.
And I think men too often feel silenced and that they are not allowed to share their true feelings and struggles.
Feel you say? I know you mean well Lisa and I don’t mean to pick on you but why would you say that men “feel” silenced? Do you say the same about women?
I often notice that in gender conversations there is a tendency to gender actions. Men feel silenced, marginalized, harassed, violated etc… and women are silenced, marginalized, harassed, violated etc….
Gender equality … love that term but it’s misleading. We are nowhere near seeing gender equality on homes. When I start to see househusbands having the same footing as “housewives” we can talk, When I go to the store in the middle of the day and see as many men at the checkout as I do women, we can talk. Needless to say, we are a looooong way from gender equality especially since the the focus has been and will continue to be on women and how they are still oppressed. Until we truthfully look at and dispel the inaccurate… Read more »
Speaking of did you see this post from a few days ago?https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/discrimination-against-men-refusing-to-consider-men-when-choosing-a-nanny-wcz/ Spin a yarn about how its oh so terrible to discriminate against black people followed throwing in every reason you can think of to justify discriminating against male nannies. Proceed to lament how terrible that men are treated this way but then follow by saying men only have themselves to blame for it. End with saying you may change your mind one day but proudly proclaim that for the time being you will continue the discrimination you spent most of your article defending and justifying. But yeah anti-male… Read more »
I hadn’t read it but have since… Wow,
Hey Fellas, Hope all is well. Ever go shopping for a used car, Tom, watch the salesmen finesse you? Guy is not there to put you in a quality vehicle (though he will say to his last dying breath that he is), he is there to advantage himself through instilling within you a “buy in” so as to earn a commission. He’ll speak of great mileage, but not tell you that it burns more oil than gas. He’ll show you sleek lines, but not from behind where you can see that the wheels don’t quite line up as the result… Read more »
DJ: In this and your earlier comment you bring up a lot of good information about the inequities that men do face. There are a lot of women who don’t see gender equality from just one side. You should google The Third Path Institute which is all about how couples work together to navigate the obstacles – many gendered – and make more time for life. Having interviewed many egalitarian couples, the mutual respect is evident and they see themselves on the same team, trying to manage the juggle of careers, kids – life.
You don’t feed the bears and you don’t encourage DJ to keep yapping. I am in one such relationship, Lisa. We were long before it became fashionable, but I fully realize that it is a mere illusion. I still do not have the personal rights, freedoms, choices that my wife enjoys. I, as a man, have still not achieved equality with her sex as she has with mine, but continually lose ground. Men are simply acquiescing, not achieving. I am as second class in the home as women were once in society (think in terms of the impetus of women’s… Read more »
What struck me when I checked out the site was that it show cased Professional working couples.
Also known as “smoke and mirrors.”
Danny, All I can tell you is that my husband and I were always looking for male caretakers and they were so difficult to find. One time we needed care for my school-age sons and my husband put a listing in Craig’s list. One night out of nowhere my husband said a Turkish man who was getting his PhD was coming over to interview. I was skeptical (more about Craig’s list as a source than him being a man) but tried to stay open minded. He didn’t have much childcare experience but was so honest and clearly happy to hang… Read more »
That is good to hear Lisa. It just bums me out that excuses that would not be tolerated for discriminating against other groups suddenly become valid when discriminating against men.
Tom: I am in heated agreement with you about the house husband issue. I talk about a model of gender that is a mirror image in which women continue to struggle for a place at the table at work (at least in senior leader roles) while men struggle for a place at the table at home as respected caretakers.
” … women continue to struggle for a place at the table at work (at least in senior leader roles)…” Personally, I struggle with this for one reason I’m 62 years old and the youngest of 7. While growing up I observed 3 of my older brothers work their way through the financial industry. ALL three worked for different financial institutions that were owned by women. So, from the get go, my experiences reflect women in powerful positions. Am I saying that women have not had struggles? Not at all IMO, there is a BIG difference between women struggling for… Read more »