Gaining OR Losing Weight Can Hurt Your Relationship

Sitting on my boyfriend's lap at a bar in our hometown of Toronto a few months ago, I was feeling a little sassy and started whispering sweet (and by sweet, I mean salaciously dirty) nothings into his ear. Playing along, he went to give my ass a flirtatious squeeze—a move he's favored since we started dating a year ago—but instead managed to grab a handful of my ample lower back. Yep, definitely not my butt.

Admittedly, by swapping yoga classes for cocktails with my man, I had put on some "happy weight"—those pounds people add when they're blissfully head over heels (or what Channing Tatum calls "fappy," for fat and happy). My guy said he adored my new curves, but they were making me self-conscious. And that love-handle grab didn't help.

Insecurities are nothing new, but as Sarah Varney reveals in her new book, XL Love: How the Obesity Crisis Is Complicating America's Love Life (Rodale), new evidence suggests that when one half of a couple gains or loses a considerable amount, the shift can push a rock-solid bond onto shaky ground. But not always: Research also shows that lots of couples manage to remain tight in the face of weight change. Follow these strategies to stay hot and heavy with your man...no matter what the scale says.

Team Up
Love can send emotions—and pant sizes—soaring. Experts blame spousal concordance, the phenomenon in which partners gradually adopt the same rituals, for better or for worse. (Have you submitted to his Sunday TV binge-watching routine? Joined his late-night taco runs? You've fallen prey to spousal concordance.) Melding your worlds creates intimacy, but it's also one reason why happy couples tend to gain weight, per a Health Psychology study.

While adding a few extra pounds isn't so bad, starting unhealthy habits is. "Couples should be lifting each other up, not helping each other be complacent," says Jenn Berman, Psy.D., host of VH1's Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn. Her advice also applies to twosomes who are pushing themselves to lose in dangerous ways because they think their partner won't be attracted to them otherwise—which is just as troublesome. If you both need to get back on a healthier track, Berman suggests setting small goals you can achieve together: Commit to taking a 15-minute walk or run together every weekend morning, or forgo takeout (whether fast food or green juice) twice a week for a home-cooked dinner.

Own Those Curves
Unfair but true: Relationships can get extra tricky when one partner expands but the other doesn't—especially if the gainer is the woman. A study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that husbands and wives are both more content when the wife's BMI is lower than the husband's—even if she's not thin, per se. "A less-heavy wife could make a man believe that he's done well on the mate market," says study author Benjamin Karney, Ph.D., a professor of social psychology at UCLA and codirector of the UCLA Relationship Institute.

But what if you're the buff one and he's a (totally lovable) weakling? Take heart: Size isn't the only predictor of relationship success; sex and communication count too. In fact, what's far more important than your comparative proportions is how you feel about your body. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that whether women were tiny or voluptuous, those with a poor body image were less sexually fulfilled, likely because they were too hung up on how they looked during the deed to actually enjoy it.

Since that's no fun (for anyone!), it's crucial to work on improving your confidence. "Every time your guy compliments you, thank him and repeat the compliment in your head, even if you don't believe it," suggests Jessica O'Reilly, Ph.D., author of The New Sex Bible. Then keep those good vibes going in the bedroom. "Everyone looks hot from behind, and there's no such thing as a bad close-up of boobs," insists O'Reilly, so try reverse cowgirl: Get on top, facing his feet, and roll your hips in a circular motion to get you both off.

Support His Weight
Dudes don't have it that much easier: They often care about their weight as much as we do. Bread Foster, a 27-year-old from New Jersey, gained 20 pounds while dating his now-ex. "I found myself wondering why anyone would want to have sex with me," he says.

It can be easy to pin your guy's weight troubles to a preexisting problem you have with him (men can be guilty of this too). E.g., what was once a peeve about his messiness or lateness can morph into "He's lazy. And it's showing."

On the flip side, if your guy is slimming down, you might interpret that the wrong way too—is he getting ready to leave you for someone else? Not necessarily, says Isabeau Miller, a contestant on the fourth season of The Biggest Loser. After dropping 113 pounds, she stayed with her partner for seven years and swears the change made her even closer to him. "I felt sexier, so we were intimate more often," she says. "I became open to having new adventures with him, like traveling and hiking."

Rather than take his shape-shifting as a sign that you're growing apart, think about what else he's been dealing with that might have caused it. And try to be supportive—just as you'd want him to be if you put on some extra padding.

For more eye-opening facts about how sex is changing in America as the shape of Americans changes, check out XL Love: How the Obesity Crisis Is Complicating America's Love Life by Sarah Varney, available here and wherever books are sold.

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