From Destruction to Construction
By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.
Addiction is death. It is the death of dreams and hope, of the real self and self-esteem, of genuine relationships with others, and of the motivation, courage and ability to create a full, healthy, spiritual life. We run from ourselves in pursuit of whatever works when we’re in a sick environment. This is understandable if we know of no other options. The greater problem is when we lie to ourselves that sickness is acceptable. The emptiness and depression that result from these deaths and their denial, leave desperate longings to connect with something or someone that can save us from absolute destruction.
Participating in a destructive relationship with drugs doesn’t prepare us to participate in constructive relationships with ourselves, our Higher Power, others or life itself. We are so used to the immediate gratification of drugs, that we miss the subtler, softer signs of genuine contact. We are used to denying painful truths and recalling the euphoria of the honeymoon period, so that fantasy overrides reality. We are defensively self-centered and looking for something outside ourselves to fix us inside. We are used to pretending to be who we are not, to manipulate others, gain acceptance and to fulfill our needs. Understanding how and why we developed these defenses, decreases their power and allows us to internalize new attitudes and behaviors.
Relationships in addiction all lack a core component; the depth and wholeness of our self. We split off the truthful, vulnerable, real part of ourselves because it carries too much pain. When our environment fails to provide healthy, mature bonding, we are left with intense needs and equally intense frustration. The only resort we have is to adopt defenses and bury the part of us that knows the truth. Yet it is the truth that determines success or failure in life and we must reveal ourselves deeply and absolutely, in order to transform the addictive mind.
Addiction denies pain and in so doing denies us access to real joy as well. We must distinguish between past and present experiences that trigger similar feelings and thoughts so that current problems become more bearable and easier to resolve. Disruption of denial allows us to experience the full impact of our experiences, so that we might better understand them. We can be inspired by those who have lived through similar tribulations and now embrace reality with resilience. As we work through difficult feelings and change behaviors in a positive direction, the real part of ourselves emerges. Pain and shame become courage and humility, and the false self no longer dominates without the support of denial and fear.
Spiritual principles are the new blueprint from which to construct healthy attitudes and behaviors. We must make use of a support system that fosters rigorous and deep self-examination, insight and growth. We need role models that embody integrity; who live higher principles in all aspects of their lives. People who embrace truth and wholeness in themselves and their life can guide us to do the same. This is how we learn the lessons of humanity and the blessings of Heaven.
Recovery brings balance to replace excess. It fosters compassionate understanding instead of condemnation and brings solutions to problems. The fear generated compulsions and need for immediate gratification, can be replaced with patience and tolerance. The sense of emptiness, loss and despair that led to fantasy and delusions of grandeur may be transformed to comfortable self-acceptance and positive esteem. Deceit and manipulation can become direct, honest, open communication and dependency can mature to interdependence. Small minded selfishness may be replaced with serenity and service to others.
The desperation and oppression of addiction feeds the false self. Courageous self examination and healing reunite us with our core essence. This is where we find truth and internal strength. Recovery reminds us of our connection to all that creates life and inspires growth. Through dedicated work on ourselves and our lives, the hard shell around our hearts dissolves and we feel a part of the whole of life. And in this heart centered place, deep rooted destructive habits transform into lives of grace, serenity and wonder.
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WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM Mary Cook is the author of Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity, available from Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, etc. She has 36 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. Mary is a national speaker and has a private practice in San Pedro, CA. She is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, speaking engagements and in-service training. Contact her at MaryCookMA@att.net and see her website for further information.
