If My Horse Could Talk...
What Would He Say?
If my horse could talk to me, this is how I imagine it would go...
"First off, let's talk about my groceries. Do you remember last year when you switched my feed to try and save a few bucks? Don't ever do that again. EVER. Sweet feed is non-negotiable. If there's no molasses, I'm not interested.
Second, dressage? Really? You picked a sport where we trot in circles. Do you know how bored I get trotting in circles? Let's jump more. At least in hunters I'm getting judged on how handsome I am, and Lord knows I'm handsome!
What's all this I've heard about you getting a project horse? Oooooh no, I'll have none of that. I prefer that all of your time and energy be free to devote to moi. And for Heaven's sake, don't buy your kid a pony. I hate ponies, which brings me to my next point.
Don't pasture me with the ponies. They are bossy, irritable and they pick on me. Put me with the mares. They tell me I'm charming, which I am. I don't get why the ponies don't get that.
Goats are SCARY. It's like God crossed a troll and a horse to make a goat. They walk past my stall and make faces at me. I hate them.
When I'm scared, I would like to sit on your lap. You let your kids do it, so why not me? You do love me, don't you? When I see scary things (like goats), I like to walk very, very close to you. Don't push me away. This is as close as I can get to your lap, so let me do it. It makes me feel better.
What's with the cribbing collar? You have a cocktail after a hard day; I like to chew a little wood. What's the big deal?
Put down the chocolate chip cookies. It wouldn't hurt you to lose 5 pounds. Seriously, go for a run.
I want a massage every time you get one. You think you're sore after a ride? How about you pick me up and carry me over some jumps next time! Then we'll talk about sore.
You should take me to more shows. My favorite part is when I come off the trailer like a wildcat and make everyone think I'm a wack job, and then I settle down and everyone comments on how polite and well-behaved I am. I also like the part where they pin a ribbon to my bridle and say I'm a pretty mover. I am pretty. I like to hear people say it. Do you remember when that lady at the show offered you a whole buncha money for me right in front of your husband? You said I'm not for sale and I thought your husband was going to make manure in his pants. I pinned my ears at him and stepped on his foot just to remind him I'm not going anywhere. That was awesome.
You should let more kids ride me. I like kids. They are so light and they ride with loose reins. Most importantly, they are properly in awe of my majestic beauty. I won't buck them off, I promise. I only buck with you because I know you can take it. And when I see a goat. I hate goats.
Tell your husband to stop calling me "it." I'm a proud son of Secretariat, not an it. He's just jealous because you love me more. I'm sorry, what? I'm a WHAT? You GELDED me? That's it, this conversation is over. I'm never speaking to you again."
