Want to Get Closer to Your Romantic Partner? Try Doing This!

When was the last time that you truly gazed into your partner's eyes?

If you want to get closer to your partner, look into the powerful effect of mutual eye contact. Studies including this one in Scientific American, show that the eyes are windows to the heart. .

Many times, my clients groan when I suggest this amazing exercise described in my relationship book, Why Can't You Read My Mind? When they try it, a lot of couples laugh, but after a while, they see why it’s so powerful and how it works. Try it yourself and you’ll see what I mean:

Sit facing one another with your eyes closed. Take some slow, deep breaths to quiet your mind. Visualize something pleasant and relaxing like walking on the beach. Allow yourself to relax. Allow yourself just to sit this way for a few minutes—many people, because they’re uncomfortable or nervous, rush it at first. When you’re ready, open your eyes and look into your partner’s eyes. (No talking!) Look past your partner’s face and personality. What you want to see is the window into his or her soul. Now ask yourself:

What it is about this person in front of you that touches your heart the most?

What qualities attracted you to this person in the first place, and allowed you to rise in love?

What gifts are you receiving from this person?

How has this relationship enriched your life?

Let these questions get you in touch with your deepest feelings of love and appreciation.

Whichever of you is now ready can put these thoughts and feelings into words. Just let the words flow from you without editing them. Be emotional. Be poetic. This can be hard at first, but will get easier each time you do this. Be courageous in your vulnerability. Practice expressing thoughts and feelings about your partner that you have never expressed before. Take turns speaking.

On a piece of paper, write down the positive thoughts you have re-awakened about your partner. Here is what one of my clients, Scott, wrote about his wife Jean:

Scott: “When I looked into Jean’s eyes, I started to crack up. But I stayed with it. Then, while looking at her, I felt a chill. It was kind of weird at first but I felt warm waves of positive feelings come over me. I felt humbled. Humbled by how much this woman—my wife—loves me. I got in touch with what an honor it is to have someone who loves me that much. This can be a lonely world and at times I feel invisible in it—but not when I’m around Jean. In the midst of mindfully looking into her eyes, I felt grateful for Jean’s loyalty to me and how much she believes in me.“

For parenting concerns with difficult children and teens check out my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, completely updated and revised edition (2015), recommended this year by the Wall Street Journal.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 27 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert adviser, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2015), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus, 2007), Why Can't You Read My Mind?, and Liking the Child You Love, Perseus, 2009