Ask the Counselor: Aging parents, sibling disagreement

Question: My siblings and I visited my parents recently, and I was shocked at how they were confused and weak they had become. I feel like my siblings and I need to do more to help them, but none of us seem to agree how. It’s causing arguments, not only among us, but between us and my parents. How can we navigate this?

Answer: Difficulties with aging in the family is common. In the age of modern medicine and increasingly health-conscious attitudes, many of us live longer. Thus we encounter a two-fold problem: 1) living longer does not necessarily mean the extra years are spent in healthy and productive ways; and 2) the younger generation is not always equipped with knowledge or experience required to make a difference.

Although we cannot easily solve the first part of the problem, we can gain the skills for peaceful,  joyful aging.

Finding that parents are rapidly ailing can be a shock to adult children who live away. Subtle changes can go unnoticed by a constant observer more easily than to an occasional one.

This can be a source of contention between siblings. One sibling is disturbed, worried and full of anxiety by the changes while another is hurt and angry that their parents are not as emotionally available or able to complete tasks in a timely manner.

Arguments typically follow about affording care, who is going to be the one to “break it” to the aging parent and, ultimately, who will be the primary caregiver.

Adult children argue, not from lack of concern or love  for their parent but from the anxiety of the unknown and the inevitability of a parent’s death.

When faced with such a profound, emotional passage, siblings frequently revisit childhood feelings and unresolved conflicts.

As the Family Caregiver Alliance puts it, “Consciously or unconsciously, needs arise for love, approval or being seen as the most important or competent sibling.”

Often the aging parents are aware of the unrest and in danger of increased depression and guilt seeing themselves as the cause of fights.

Becoming a team, not just as siblings, but as a family unit, is key to avoiding these pitfalls.

• Be honest and open about family roles and dynamics over the lifespan.
• Making a genogram, together or with a therapist, can be a good first step to team-building.
• Try not to frame one sibling as “the caregiver.” Parents share responsibility caring for their children; children must share the care of parents.
• Stage a family meeting,  not just for siblings, but where parents and other family members are all welcome to join in the decision-making process.

It is OK to disagree about care and love, but it is important not to prevent family members from sharing that care and love.

Drew Colbert is on staff at Sturgis Consultation Center in Sturgis.